


When The Rain Falls

by Coby_Thinks



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: :P, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Foster System, Geez, Gender Exploration, He's just a flawed human, He's not, Human AU, I destroy my characters lives, Its an angsty one, Logan sells plants and flowers, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Self Harm, Multi, PTSD, Roman is a youtuber, The title and all chapter titles are based on a song, adoption au, because I say so, because Im a NERD, car crashes, etc - Freeform, injuries, its just what I do, mentions of past character death, selectively mute Janus, so calm down, take it easy, there are times when virgil seems unsympathetic, yeet, you know the drill by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24103024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: Logan wants the people he cares about to be happy.Roman wants to look forward instead of back.Janus wants a family to work out for once.But while you can't always make people be happy.And you can't always choose the direction you face.And you can't always get what you want...Things might just work out for them.It'll just be a rough journey until they get there.Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, child neglect, etc. Mentions of past death, mentions of past suicide, minor self-harm, self-deprecation, food mentions, car accidents, jumping to conclusions about a person, and other angsty things to do with the foster system and life.I will put warnings before each chapter as well! <3
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 87
Kudos: 171





	1. I Can See

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for this chapter: food mentions, self-deprecation, emotional abuse/neglect, PTSD
> 
> Enjoy this if you dare...

“I feel obligated to tell you that Janus isn’t like the other children.” Roman and Logan glanced at each other as the woman spoke, folding her arms in her lap.

“What do you mean by that?” Logan adjusted his glasses and Roman bit back a grin as he realized his husband was readying for a debate.

“He’s been in and out of the home since he was six years old,” she reached for a file and started flipping through it. “He doesn’t get along with the other children, and he can become violent at times. Whenever someone takes him in they always have some reason to bring him back in a few weeks.”

“That’s horrible!” Roman felt a sinking in his stomach. This poor kid… and the way she was talking made it sound like his fault.

“He refuses to get along with anyone else,” she said, deepening the ache in Roman’s chest. “We’ve tried therapy and things, they don’t seem to have an effect on him.”

“The time we spent with him makes me feel otherwise,” Logan said, then cleared his throat. “Janus seems to be a troubled boy, but what child in this situation isn’t troubled? What he needs is a stable home, a family that will be able to care for all of his needs. My husband and I are prepared to give that to him.”

“I just thought-” Logan spoke over the woman with an irritated expression on his face.

“We’ve already met him and been approved by your superiors, we are simply here today to finish the paperwork and pick him up. There is nothing to change our minds on, and there is no way we are leaving today without Janus. That, and if you continue to speak about him like you are I’ll be forced to send a complaint regarding your reliability in caring for these children.” 

Roman did grin this time at the look on the woman's face. Logan adjusted his tie and looked at her expectantly.

“So, if you don’t mind, both I and my husband would like to finish this quickly so we can take Janus home.”

“Oh, yes of course.” She scrambled through the papers and pulled out the packet they needed. 

After only a half-hour of reading and signing, the long process was finally complete. Roman had been looking forward to this for a while now, and he was sure Logan felt the same.

“Would you like to wait in the lobby while I retrieve Janus, or-”

“We’ll accompany you if that’s alright,” Roman said quickly, standing up. He didn’t want that woman around Janus any more than possible. And especially not alone. She was just awful.

“Alright, if you’ll follow me.” She walked briskly out, and Logan gently took Roman’s hand before they followed, heading toward the bedrooms of the children's home.

He could hardly believe this was happening. They were finally going to bring their son home.

* * *

Janus sat on his bed, staring at the door in anticipation. He had a small duffle bag parked next to him, filled with everything he owned, and a head full of doubts and anxieties that the long wait did nothing to soothe.

He wanted this to work. He wanted this one to work out. It wouldn’t, of course. No one ever liked him enough to keep him, but he could still want it. Especially this time. The Princes were cool. They seemed to genuinely enjoy when they hung out a few times, and now they’d decided to take him home. That was more than Janus had dared hope for after meeting them.

As soon as he heard the footsteps and voices outside the door, Janus was on his feet. Two swift knocks preceded the doors opening, and Ms. Bean stood there with Roman and Logan.

“Hey, Janus.” Roman beamed. “Ready to go?”

“Yes sir.” Janus nodded, grabbing his duffle bag. Roman chuckled.

“You don’t have to call me that.” Janus shrugged and walked over to the door, not looking back at the room he knew and hated so perfectly.

“You have everything?” Ms. Bean asked. Janus opted to ignore her, make her mad one more time before escaping for a while. She just sighed, closing the door.

“It’s good to see you again, Janus,” Logan said, one of his rare smiles appearing. 

Janus felt proud to have made him smile, but knew in the back of his mind this could all fall apart at any time. This time, though, Janus didn’t want it to.

“Everything’s in order,” Ms. Bean said as they all made it to the front door. “Janus…” Janus didn’t look at her but listened anyway. “Be good.”

Janus winced and nodded, turning to the door that Roman opened. He didn’t say goodbye, and neither of the men asked him to.

“You excited?” Roman asked once they were in the car, Logan driving.

“A little.” Janus lied, trying to seem nonchalant. He’d done this quite a few times, sure, but he hadn’t wanted those as much. “You guys live outside the city, right?”

“Yes, closer to the edge.” Logan chuckled. “I think you’ll like the nursery.”

“The what?” Janus couldn't help but wrinkle his nose. What was Logan talking about?

“It’s a glorified flower shop.” Roman declared, laughing at the look on Logan’s face.

“Oh.” Janus nodded, then reached up to push the hair from his face. “You live near a flower shop?”

“I own it,” Logan said. “And I sell more than flowers, as Roman very well knows.” Roman laughed again. “It’s a garden center, we have trees and vegetables and tools for gardens.”

“And flowers,” Roman said, just to make Logan roll his eyes. 

“That sounds like a fun job,” Janus said softly, fiddling with a hole on the knee of his pants. 

“Mine is funner.” Roman declared.

“That’s not a word, dearest.”

“Shakespeare,” Roman said randomly. Janus glanced from him to Logan, who rolled his eyes. “Dr. Suess.” Roman was gesturing wildly with his hands. “All these people will be remembered for creating new words and stories. You can’t tell me it’s not a word.”

“That was only two people.” Janus pointed out. Logan smirked and Roman pouted, folding his arms.

“They’re still famous,” he said.

“I know, Roman.” Logan relented. 

“Thank you.”

“Funner is still not a word.”

* * *

“Janus.” Janus groaned, pushing the hand away from his arm. Stifled laughter met his ears as he woke up. “Janus, come on buddy.”

“Huh?” Janus rubbed his eyes, opening them to find he was slumped in the back seat of Logan and Roman’s car. Logan stood at the open door, smiling fondly. Roman was behind him, holding back laughs.

“We’re here,” Logan said unnecessarily. Then Janus remembered. They’d taken him home! This was the one chance he had to be adopted by people he actually liked! By people who would understand him. He just had to not screw it up like he screwed up everything else.

“I’m awake.” Janus sat up, rubbing his eyes again. “Sorry I fell asleep, I-”

“It’s alright, Hijo,” Roman said cheerfully, taking Janus’s bag from him. “Let’s give you the grand tour, yeah?”

“Sure!” Janus was quick to agree, following Roman up the sidewalk toward the house. 

The front yard was big, so big that Janus couldn't see all the way to the end of the driveway because of a row of trees. There were flower gardens everywhere, bursting with more flowers than he’d ever seen. The house itself seemed small, but not tiny. 

“You wanna go first?” Roman asked, stopping at the door. Janus hesitated, glancing between him and Logan. Then he nodded and joined Roman, gently gripping the handle. “Go for it, mi Tesoro.” 

Janus reminded himself to look up the meanings of the words Roman kept saying. They felt like they could be another language, but he wasn’t sure. He took a deep breath and opened the door, letting it swing open into the front hallway.

Roman led him inside, flicking on the light. Immediately, the house seemed less threatening. It seemed to be bigger inside than it looked outside, and Roman led them toward the staircase.

“The bedrooms are upstairs,” Logan explained. “I suppose it would be simpler to show you yours first, and then the rest of the house?”

“Sounds good.” Janus smiled at him, still taking in everything he saw. There were a few pictures on the walls, but they ranged from what looked like a graduation picture to a picture of a dog - the picture looked professionally taken for some reason. Janus bit back the question and followed Roman to a door at the end of the hallway, where he halted.

“Ready to see your new…” he paused for effect before flinging open the door. “Abode?”

“You need to stop doing that to the doors.” Logan murmured as Janus looked inside. Roman just chuckled, following Janus inside. 

“What do you think, Janus?”

The room was as big as the one Janus had shared with three others at the children's home. But this one was all his. There were no ‘sides’ and no other boys who left within a few weeks only to be replaced by others. The walls were a cheerful yellow, and one wall had a window almost as big as the wall itself that showed what appeared to be an orchard of some kind. A desk, dresser  _ and _ closet, and bed only took up about half the room. The rest was dedicated to floor space.

“Roman wanted to decorate more,” Logan spoke when Janus failed to find his voice. “But we figured you would want to help pick most of it.”

“We can repaint the walls, too.” Roman turned and Janus recognized for the first time a hint of anxiety in his voice. “If you don’t like yellow, I mean-”

“I love it,” Janus said softly, looking to the ground to hide the way his chin trembled. “Thank you.”

A beat of silence followed. Had he done something wrong already? Disappointed them somehow? God, Janus didn’t think he could handle going back to the home on the same day. Not  _ again. _

“You want to take some time in here, or see the rest of the house?” Logan finally asked. “It’s been a long day, I’m sure you’re tired.”

“I was going to start cooking dinner soon anyway,” Roman agreed as he put Janus’s bag on the bed. “Why don’t you get settled, okay mi Tesoro?”

“S-sure…” Janus swallowed thickly and nodded. 

“We’ll be just downstairs if you need us.” Logan touched his shoulder briefly and Janus fought against the urge to lean into the touch. Roman said something else - some kind of goodbye in what Janus was almost sure was Spanish. Then they’d left, leaving the door barely open behind them.

Janus waited until he heard their footsteps reach the bottom of the stairs before he moved to close the door.

This all seemed too good to be true - and too good to last more than a few weeks. Logan and Roman might want him now… but what about tomorrow? What about a week from now? They were bound to get tired of him eventually. That or Janus would screw it up as he had in the beginning. There was a reason no one had ever wanted him for more than a month in the past six years.

Janus shook his head, forcing himself to remember that this time it was different. Most of the other times, the people who took him in weren’t right. They were too annoying, too religious, too sure that Janus was something broken they needed to fix. Roman and Logan weren’t like that, right? They’d see that Janus wasn’t broken.

God, Janus hoped he wasn’t broken.

* * *

“This is really good,” Janus said softly, glancing up from his plate to Roman, who beamed. 

“I’m glad you like it! This is the dish that made Logan fall in love with me!” he declared, gesturing to his husband. Logan looked back at the two of them, face between amused and completely stoic looking.

“Oh yes,” he nodded. “Nothing to do with the circumstances of the food, really. You never do tell the same story twice about why you were standing at a bus stop in the rain holding a cake pan full of homemade enchiladas.”

“It’s a family recipe,” Roman said in a way Janus assumed was supposed to be an explanation. At a loss of what to say, Janus took another bite.

“How are you feeling, Janus?” Janus looked up in surprise when Logan spoke. “I know it must have been an interesting and long day.”

“Uh…” Janus swallowed quickly, forcing a smile. “Yeah, I’m good. Maybe a little tired, that’s all.” Was he acting strange? Did Logan think he was hiding something? “Why?”

“Simply wondering.” Logan stood, picking up his plate. 

“Leaving so soon?” Roman chuckled. “We’ve still got more food. Janus and I can’t finish all this!” Logan sighed, smiling slightly as he leveled his gaze at Roman.

“Tupperware, my love.” Was all he said before leaving for the kitchen with his dishes. Roman laughed, running a hand through his hair.

“...so,” Janus glanced at Roman curiously. “You fed Logan enchiladas in the rain?”

“Exactly.” Roman beamed over the edge of his cup as he took a drink of water. “Someone understands me!” he called toward the kitchen. Logan didn’t reply, but Janus could have sworn he heard a chuckle. Still confused, he decided not to ask any more questions. Too many would get on their nerves, and that was the last thing Janus wanted to do.

“They’re very good enchiladas,” he said instead of asking.

After dinner, Janus wandered the halls a bit more in an attempt to become familiar with them. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he really was going to try and stay at this house. Maybe not be adopted, but at least until he was eighteen. That was only six years or so, it shouldn’t be so difficult to stay somewhere. Yet, somehow, he’d failed to stay anywhere for very long.

The kitchen and dining rooms both connected to a living room. A tv, couch, and wall of bookshelves took up most of the space. It was crowded but seemed more cozy than cluttered. Roman was sitting on the couch watching cartoons when Janus poked his head in.

“Hey there! Up for some tv before bed?” Roman paused the show to talk to him and Janus flushed, stepping into the room.

“Uh… are you… sure? I don’t wanna bug you or anything.”

“You could never bug me!” Roman waved the words away with a grin. “Come on, the episode’s just starting.”

“Okay then.” Janus sat nervously on the couch next to him, trying to seem at ease but also keep his guard up at the same time. He had to be careful not to react badly to anything. Anything at all. Half the reason people didn’t like him was because of how he reacted to things. 

As he got more comfortable, though, Janus found himself not even thinking about that. He didn’t know how long it had been since he could watch cartoons away from noise and people who’d make fun of him for it, and soon found himself dozing off on the couch. Something he’d sworn never to do again.

* * *

Roman looked over at Janus, smiling fondly when he saw the kid had once again fallen asleep. He made it through a good two episodes, though, and it was pretty late, so Roman wasn’t surprised.

“That will not be good for his neck.” Logan sighed, hugging Roman from behind. Roman hummed, taking Logan’s hand.

“He’ll be okay.”

“Are you?” Logan raised an eyebrow, turning so they could face each other. Roman nodded, rolling his eyes.

“I’m not made of glass, Logan.” he reminded his husband and booped his nose. “It’ll take more than Janus to wear me out.”

“You know what I meant,” Logan said softly. Roman nodded.

“He’s here now.” he finally declared. “That woman, Logan. Did you hear the way she spoke about him? I can’t… I don't understand why people are like that.”

“I know,” Logan sighed and shook his head.

“I mean, it’s not Janus's fault he wound up in this situation,” Roman said, glancing over at the sleeping boy. “It’s never the child's fault. They… we never did anything…” Logan listened silently, nodding as Roman continued to stumble over his indignant words. “No one deserves to be talked about like she talked about him!” He finally managed to say. “I just don’t understand, Logan.”

“I know,” Logan said softly. “Neither do I, but it’s alright. He won’t ever have to see her again, you know. None of us will.”

“You’d just think,” Roman said bitterly, glaring at the ground. “That they’d figure out how to take care of kids by now. It’s just as bad as when I was growing up, Logan. If not worse, and I was lucky. I-”

“Roman.” Logan smiled, meeting Roman’s gaze. “It’s alright.” Roman sighed, leaning into his husband's embrace.

“I know it is,” he mumbled into Logan’s shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Your feelings are valid.” Logan declared, running a hand through Roman’s hair. “But how are we supposed to move a sleeping twelve-year-old upstairs?” 

“Oh yeah…” Roman smiled sheepishly, turning to look at Janus. “I forgot about that.” They stood there for a moment, silently trying to decide how to handle the situation before Logan spoke.

“He seems comfortable.” he finally stated. “There is no reason not to leave him be for tonight, is there?” 

“As always, mi amor, you are correct.” Roman stood on his toes to peck a kiss onto his husband's lips. “Genius.”

“Let’s get him a blanket,” Logan said in an amused voice. “You always get too romantic when you’re tired.”

“I’m always this romantic, dearest,” Roman said, being overly dramatic as Logan went to the closet and pulled out a blanket. Logan chuckled - just the response Roman had been hoping for. 

“You still need sleep,” Logan pointed out. “We have a lot to do tomorrow.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Roman sighed loudly, then smirked. “As always, I believe I’ve said before.”

“Come on before we wake him up.” Logan laughed. Roman smirked and followed him toward the stairs, turning off the light as they left. He kept the hall light on, though, as they started up the stairs. Waking up in unfamiliar darkness was always a bit terrifying, no need to give Janus a reason to be scared.


	2. Every Tear You've Cried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm blown away by how many of you guys already like this fic lmaoooo you're gonna hate me XD  
> But here's the second chapter, for all you lovely people.
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, panic attack, selective mutism, food mentions, mentions of abuse, and angst.
> 
> Enjoy!!

Janus woke up slowly, unsure where exactly he was. It wasn’t the home, he was sure, as this was not the lumpy mattress he’d had for the past few years. It wasn’t even a mattress, now that he realized it. There was a blanket thrown over him, yes, the weight of it comforting. But the surface itself wasn’t like a bed. It was colder, not quite…

Janus’s eyes snapped open and he found himself staring at the back of a couch. He was curled up across two cushions, the blanket was thrown over him like it always was. But that didn’t make any sense.

Why was he here? Why was he on the couch? How had he even gotten here?

Janus listened intently to the sounds around him, locating soft voices in a room nearby along with the sound of something sizzling. Bacon. He could smell it now.

But why was he back on this couch?

Janus closed his eyes, willing himself to melt away and wake up in his bed. Or even the floor in the closet, for that matter. He didn’t want to be on the couch. The bed meant he was in the home, where no one really meant to hurt him even if they ended up doing it anyway. The closet would mean he was in trouble, but that no one would lie to him or hit him, or do anything at all except unlock the door in a few hours. The couch, however, was not a safe place to be.

So why was he back on the couch? They promised he’d never go back. They promised he would never come back to this house, let alone the couch. Had Ms. Bean lied, like she always did? Had the past few months really been just a dream? A fantasy? If so, he had to get out. He didn’t care what happened next, he just had to get out.

Janus shoved himself off the couch, wincing as he hit the floor. But he stood quickly, looking around to try and get his bearings. He didn’t recognize the place, even though he knew where he was. He was in  _ that _ house again, and he wanted to leave.

He tripped over the blanket as he started toward a doorway, the one opposite from where the voices had been. The voices had fallen silent, now, but he didn’t have time to worry about that.

“Janus?” Janus flinched, spinning around to push the attacker away. They let out a gasp and stumbled back, eyes wide in shock. Janus tripped again and fell, catching himself with his elbows on the ground.

“...Janus?” 

Janus’s eyes widened as he suddenly recognized the person there. Logan. He looked around, the living room in the Prince's home reappearing in his memories. Shit. He hit Logan. He  _ hit Logan _ ! He opened his mouth to apologize, only for no sound to come out. No, he hit Logan! That was bad!

“What’s going on, Lo?” Roman’s voice asked as he entered. Janus shrunk away from them both, clamping his eyes shut. He hit Logan. How could he hit Logan? They would send him back now, no question about it.

“Janus-”

“I’m sorry.” Janus choked out, bracing himself for the worst. Yelling, hitting, threats. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t. Please give me another chance - don’t send me back already!”

“Hey,” Janus opened his eyes to see Roman had knelt between them. “Janus, what are you talking about?”

“I’m so so sorry,” Janus said again, looking over Roman’s shoulder to Logan, who still stood there with a worried expression.

“Why would we send you back?” Roman asked, sounding genuinely confused. “We wouldn’t ever do something like that. Okay?”

“But…” Janus let himself fall the rest of the way to the floor and covered his face with his hands. He was so stupid. What was even going on? He’d hit Logan, and Roman didn’t even sound mad. Neither did Logan. They both just seemed worried, which didn’t make any sense. Nothing had happened to Janus, anyway.

“I shouldn’t have surprised you.” Logan finally said into the silence. “My apologies, Janus. Why don’t we go eat breakfast?” Janus nodded in agreement, not meeting either of their eyes. He let Roman help him up, quickly moving away from his touch once he was. 

“You like bacon?” Roman asked cheerfully. “We’ve got a busy day today!”

“Yeah, it’s okay,” Janus said softly, following them into the kitchen. 

He still felt disoriented. He hated sleeping on couches, and the first night he was here? What had he been thinking? He knew waking up on couches freaked him out. He couldn't keep letting his guard down just because he liked these guys. That would just result in more things like what just happened - and they’d send him away.

“We have a few things to do today,” Roman said to fill the tense silence as they ate. “Logan wants to show you his flower shop -”

“It’s a garden center.” Logan corrected quietly. Roman chuckled and continued.

“We wanted to head to the mall and get you some things for your room, and maybe some new clothes if you’d like. What d’you want to do first?” Janus hesitated, glancing between the two of them. He really wanted to make it up to Logan. Not only had he not hit Janus back, but he hadn’t told Roman about it. That must be the only reason Roman wasn’t upset.

“...I’d like to see the garden center,” he mumbled softly. “We can still do both, right?”

“Yes, we can,” Logan said, beaming. “After breakfast, we’ll get ready and I’ll show you around the rest of the property, I think you’ll enjoy it.” 

Janus nodded, tearing a piece from his bacon to avoid talking. Luckily, Roman kept up his cheerful speaking. He was talking about something to do with decorations - oh yeah. Janus forced himself to try and pay attention, even though Roman kept switching between Spanish and English and was talking really fast. All Janus could understand by the time they were finished was that Roman was excited about something - which didn’t tell him a lot.

“D’you wanna go get in some clean clothes for the day?” Roman asked when Janus brought his dishes to the sink. “You and Logan can get a head start while I finish this up.”

“I can wash-” Roman smiled, already taking Janus’s plate. Janus nodded, wishing Roman would let him clean at least his own. He didn’t say that, though. “I’ll go get dressed,” he mumbled, turning and hurrying up to the room they’d given him.

This wasn’t going as well as he’d have liked. He’d already been violent, at least that’s what Ms. Bean called it when he got confused. He didn’t mean to hurt anyone - he just didn’t want to get hurt himself. It was hard, even though Janus knew he had to put everyone else before him now. He wasn’t a kid anymore - he had to be a good person.

Janus threw on his last set of actually nice clothes, then ran a comb through his hair with a wince. It was pretty tangled, he’d have to figure it out when he was able to shower next. Then he hurried down the stairs, finding Logan in the kitchen drying dishes as Roman washed them.

“I can help,” Janus said immediately, going to Logan’s side. “Where do they go?”

“This cupboard.” Logan pulled it open and Janus nodded, hiding back his disappointment. 

He was short - but he could reach that one if he tried. He picked up the plates Logan had already dried and stood as tall as possible, sliding them onto the shelf. Logan chuckled softly, handing him a frying pan. 

“This is in the one under the toaster,” he instructed. Janus nodded and found the right cupboard, listening idly to Roman’s continued chatter. He’d moved on to talking about Disney movies, it seemed. After a few minutes, the dishes were all washed and in the cupboards. Logan turned to him, smiling.

“Ready to go?”

“Yep.” Janus smiled - and it felt more genuine. He really did want to see Logan’s garden center. And he wasn’t fond of clothing stores, anyway. That, and he didn’t want to give Logan any more reasons to hate him. 

“I’ll catch up in a few minutes,” Roman said, drying his hands. Logan nodded, and Janus followed him out to the front yard.

“Would you like to walk or drive?” Logan asked. “It only takes a few minutes to get there either way.”

“We can walk.” Janus decided. He wanted to get to know the area better, anyway. In case he needed to get around quickly. 

Logan nodded and started walking down the driveway. Janus followed, falling into step beside him after a moment. They walked in silence for a few minutes, and as they rounded the trees blocking the view Logan spoke again.

“I apologize again,” Janus looked at him in surprise. “I came up behind you when you were disoriented. It must have been anxiety-inducing.”

“O-oh…” Janus shrugged, looking away as he thought of what to say. “I’m sorry I hit you, Logan, I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t. I was just-”

“It’s alright.” Logan insisted gently. “Are you sure you’re feeling alright? We don’t have to go shopping this afternoon if you feel tired.”

“I’m not tired,” Janus said as they approached what looked like a giant greenhouse - not to mention the area covered with plants on tables and benches in their pots. “Is this your work?”

“This is it.” Logan agreed, smiling wider again. “The flowers are closer to the front, which is what you see now. Vegetables are closer to our house, and I’m sure you saw the tree farm around the back of us.”

“You own all this land?” Janus asked, eyes wide. Logan chuckled.

“Yes. it took quite a while to get everything the way we wanted, but we finished the renovations last spring.”

“It’s huge!” Janus declared, turning to look around. The plants were beautiful, too. And it smelled like pollen - like springtime. “You do all this yourself?”

“I have a few employees I trust,” Logan said, shaking his head. “Good friends of ours, actually. You’ll meet them soon. Not today, but soon.”

“What do you actually do?” Janus asked as they walked up a row of flowers. He squinted at the label. “Bleeding Heart? Who names a flower bleeding heart?”

“The blossoms.” Logan chuckled, gently tugging a branch forward. “Not quite in bloom, but this one’s early.” Janus nodded, seeing how the blossom did look like a heart splitting in half.

“They’re cool.” He decided, looking around. “You know all the flowers here?”

“I do.” Logan nodded. “I’m the owner of this place, but I help with everything. Watering, selling, moving the plants. Roman helps when we need more hands, and we have a few teenagers hire on during the summer.”

“I can help,” Janus said immediately, standing as tall as he could. They’d have less of a reason to get rid of him if he helped with Logan’s job.

“If you wanted to, after you’re settled, that would be fine.” Logan gently touched his shoulder, not even long enough for Janus to pull away. “I’ll show you the trees, then we can go inside and get a drink. It’s warm today.”

“Sure.” Janus followed him happily, head turning almost faster than he could actually look at the plants. “How many trees do you have?”

“Over three hundred,” Logan said, grinning at Janus’s shocked expression. “We have many different kinds. Fruit trees, landscaping, etc. I’ve been meaning to plant a new one in the backyard - would you like to help choose it?”

“Really?” Janus beamed as they approached the first rows of trees. “Are you sure?”

“I am.” Logan smiled. “Do you want a fruit tree or another kind?”

“...I dunno.” Janus frowned. “I never thought about that.”

“We don’t have to choose today,” Logan promised, turning to look. “This section is our fruit orchard. Pears, Apples, Apricots, Plums. We have almost everything.”

“Wow.”

“Let’s go meet Roman in the shop.” Logan turned. “We can get something to drink and talk about shopping.” Janus nodded, following Logan closely as they made their way back through the maze of plants to the ‘flower shop’.

A bell rang as they stepped inside, and Logan chuckled. Roman was leaned against the counter, chatting to the person working it.

“That’s Patton. We’ll have a more formal introduction another time.” Logan said softly. “Roman!” he called. Roman turned, face lighting up.

“My favorite people are here!” he cheered, hugging Logan tightly. He didn’t hug Janus, which the twelve-year-old was grateful for. “Enjoyed the flowers?”

“You guys have over three hundred trees!” Janus said, spreading his hands. “That’s crazy!”

“So it is.” Roman laughed, walking behind the counter where he pulled out a few water bottles. “Here. Hydrate or Diedrate.” Janus looked at him in confusion but accepted the drink.

“Did you bring the car with you,” Logan asked Roman. “Or will we walk to the mall?” Patton chuckled, then turned to help a customer. Roman laughed out loud.

“I brought the car, specs. I’m not as into exercise as that.” he winked at Janus, then sighed and jumped over the counter. Logan frowned.

“Roman - “

“Let’s go!” Roman declared, tossing the keys to his husband. “No time to waste, not when decisions will be made!”

“What decisions?” Janus asked curiously as they went to the car.

“Decorations, clothes, what to get for lunch,”

“We ate breakfast half an hour ago.”

“We’ll be deciding a few things today, that’s all.” Roman finished. Janus nodded, climbing into the backseat. This was going to be an interesting day.

* * *

“You guys don’t need to get me this stuff,” Janus said softly, face a light pink as Roman examined a rack of shirts. He hated clothing stores. He always felt so vulnerable, even when he was just looking at stuff. “My old stuff is-”

“We want to,” Logan said gently, hand lingering on Janus’s shoulder just a moment longer than the last time. Janus couldn't help but admit he liked it - not sure why as it was just someone touching him. But not a lot of people had ever touched him in a loving way, so maybe that was it.

“Blue or yellow?” Roman asked, spinning around with two shirts in hand. He looked at Janus expectantly. Janus resisted the urge to shrink away or find somewhere different to be.

“I…”

“Sorry.” Roman stepped back, smiling apologetically. “I’m being a bit too obnoxious, aren’t I?” Janus’s eyes widened slightly and Logan chuckled. “You alright, mi Tesoro?”

“Yeah…” Janus shrugged and rubbed his arm. “Uh, the yellow one is cool.”

“Excellent.” Roman beamed, turning back to the rack. “We’ll just get you a few more okay?”

“Okay.” Janus shrugged again, staring at the floor. He’d forgotten how much he hated places like this. Clothing stores especially. They were almost always crowded and loud - though not as much today thank goodness. That, and it was hard to be perfect when there was so much going on. He could try, but there would always be something that-

“Oh, what about this one? I think green would look nice on you!” Roman declared, pulling it from the rack. Janus paled when he saw the shirt, shaking his head.

“No.”

“Awe, it’d bring out your eyes…” Roman trailed off when he looked up to see Janus’s face - which Janus was sure didn’t look calm or collected in any way.

“Not green,” Janus mumbled, kicking the floor lightly. “I uh… I just don’t like it as much as the yellow ones.” 

This was a lie - Janus wasn’t partial to yellow at all. But he didn’t have a lot of time to find an excuse for not getting the green shirt. In all honesty, he was sure it would bring out his eyes like Roman claimed. He might even look nice in it. But just the words coming from Roman’s mouth had put Janus on guard, mentally scanning the area. It was just him, Roman, and Logan. But that didn’t seem to make him any calmer.

“A yellow one, then.” Roman switched out the shirts and draped them over his arm. “Anything you see you wanted to look at?”

“Not really.” Janus breathed out, relieved they seemed to be done. The sooner they left, the sooner he’d be able to shake the uneasiness he felt and move on. 

“Let’s go, then,” Logan said, leading them to the desk. “We can take a break and get something for lunch.” Janus nodded, staring at the floor as he walked with them.

“Are you sure you’re feeling alright?” Roman asked gently, standing next to him while Logan paid. “We could head home after lunch if you’d like. Get the decor another time.”

“I’m fine,” Janus said, a little too quickly. A little too defensively. A little harsher than intended. He winced, waiting for Roman’s annoyed reply. But it never came. Roman just nodded, gave him a one-armed hug, and started talking to him and Logan both about what they should get for lunch. 

Janus found himself leaning into Roman’s embrace as they walked - not at all caring that Roman hadn’t moved his arm. He wasn’t fine. Today hadn’t been everything it could have been, and he couldn't help but feel responsible. 

First, he’d woken up and panicked because of the couch, and just then he’d nearly bolted when Roman offered him a green shirt. The worst part was, Janus knew exactly why both of those things set him off. Knowing why just made it all the easier for those memories to come forward, making Janus more anxious every second he let himself dwell on them.

“What do you think for lunch?” Roman asked, drawing Janus out of his thoughts.

“Oh,” Janus looked around at the different restaurants in the food court. “Cheeseburgers? I can smell them, which place has those?”

“JCW’s,” Roman said, grinning as he took his arm from around Janus’s shoulders - almost like he hadn’t noticed it was there. “Excellent choice.”

“Not the healthiest,” Logan noted in amusement. “But none of these would be.”

“Who needs health?” Roman scoffed sarcastically. 

Janus chuckled, forcing the memories to the back of his mind. If he had to think about them, it wouldn’t be right now. At least, that was what he wished he could do. But as long as he managed to distract himself, it might be easier to handle. At least so that Roman and Logan didn’t notice he was upset - because that was the last thing he wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't know why I love hurting my boys this much. I just do. I'm not sorry.  
> Janus has a big storm coming. *snaps*  
> Thoughts? Theories? Questions? hit me up in the comments if you like!   
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	3. All The Pain And The Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lol Janus really isn't okay in this why do I do these things? Ah well, you guys like to read it for some reason so I won't stop >:)
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, injuries, blood mention, yelling, self-hatred/deprecation, self-doubt, selectively mute Janus (he doesn't know that's a thing yet tho), a few swears, food mentions, crying

Roman couldn't help but feel his worry grow as the day wore on. Janus insisted he was alright after lunch, so they continued to get him some things for his room. This was where Logan really helped - he was obsessed with getting office supplies and that kind of thing. That only made it so Roman could observe more instead of being involved, and he wasn’t sure what to make of it.

By the time they were leaving, Janus was incredibly quiet. Even more so than usual, not replying to their questions except to nod or shake his head or shrug. He even seemed to be walking quieter, as if making the slightest noise would be bad. Roman had been there, and he’d been around when his brother was, of course, but he hated seeing Janus like that. He wasn’t happy, that was for sure. 

It wasn’t until they were driving home, however, that Janus snapped.

It wasn’t a long drive, fifteen minutes maybe. Roman had been trying to fill the time by talking about a book idea he’d had. Unfortunately, it wasn’t well developed and it was awkwardly silent during the last couple minutes of the drive. Then Logan spoke.

“Anything you want to do tonight, Janus? We have some time before dinner.” Janus didn’t reply, and Roman glanced worriedly at his husband. Logan sighed. “Janus.” This time Janus mumbled something incomprehensible. “Janus, please speak up a bit. It’s okay if you don’t really want to do anything.”

“Lo-” Roman began softly, wincing, but was interrupted when Janus finally replied.

“No! I don’t know what I want to do! Can you please just shut up and leave me alone?” 

Logan’s eyes widened and he fell silent. Roman bit his lip, glancing in the rear-view mirror to see Janus curled up in his seat, face bright red as he stared out the window. What was going on? As soon as Logan stopped the car in the driveway, Janus scrambled out and took off on one of the small cobblestone footpaths that wove through the yard.

“What did I do?” Logan asked, looking over at Roman with tears in his eyes. Roman felt his heart break and wrapped Logan in a hug.

“You didn’t do anything, mi amor,” he said softly. “We didn’t know Janus felt so upset, alright? Why don’t you bring the stuff we got in and I’ll go find him. Wouldn’t want him to get lost in that big forest you’ve given us.”

“It’s a garden.” Logan sniffled, then nodded and adjusted his glasses. “Alright. I’ll see you in a bit then.” Roman nodded, then started down the path Janus had taken.

The paths were confusing, but unless Janus left them he would be easy to find. They all connected to the backyard after going through the ‘garden’.

Now that Roman thought about it, as he listened intently for any noise that could be Janus, the kid had been acting off since even before lunch. Roman just had no idea what was bothering him, and he hated that. Reasonably, Roman knew Janus wasn’t going to trust them completely for a while. Roman himself had never fully trusted any of his foster parents - the only parents he really considered his own were Logans. But that was why he wanted Janus to trust him.

He found Janus a few minutes later. The boy was sitting against one of the bigger trees, arms wrapped tightly around his knees as he stared at the ground. Roman sat down a few feet away, taking in the situation as he picked clovers for a flower crown.

Janus was crying completely silently, which only helped to break Roman’s heart further. His knuckles were scraped up, and a few of the scrapes had started to bleed slightly. He’d punched a tree - more than once. Roman averted his eyes, getting worked up about blood wouldn’t help right now. His face was still red, and there was a hostility in his eyes Roman hadn’t quite seen before. In all, Roman decided it would be best to just sit quietly for a while, so he worked on the flower crown and waited for Janus to speak first.

After a while - it may have only been a few minutes but Roman was almost done with the first flower crown - Janus did.

“Why are you here?” He asked darkly, glaring at the ground.

“This is one of the best areas for flower crown flowers,” Roman said, holding up his nearly finished project. “Logan and I planted them a few years ago, and they’ve been spreading ever since.”

“That’s not what I mean!” Janus said angrily, punching the ground with his already scraped up hand. “Why haven’t you called Ms. Bean to take me away? Why aren’t you yelling at me? Don’t you hate me? Didn’t Logan tell you everything?” Roman sighed, setting the flower crown aside.

“Janus, I could never hate you. I’d never yell at you, not on purpose. As for calling Ms. Bean, do you really think I’d voluntarily contact that old hag again?” Janus’s eyes widened, his tears had stopped and his mouth fell open. Roman smirked. “What, never thought you’d hear me call her a hag? That’s what she is.”

“You called Ms. Bean a hag.” Janus reached up to wipe the tears off his face. “You don’t want me to leave?”

“Of course not.” Roman shook his head, picking up the crown to finish it. “Why would I ever want you to leave?”

“I yelled at Logan,” Janus said softly. 

“I yell at him all the time.” Roman waved a hand, holding out the flower crown with his other one. “Yellow suits you.” 

Janus stared at it for a moment, then took it and perched it on his head, a small smile in place of the frown he’d been wearing. Roman started the next one, humming a Disney song under his breath.

“Is Logan mad at me?”

“No.” Roman shook his head, searching for a flower with the right sized stem. “He’s worried. He didn’t mean to make you upset by asking questions.”

“It wasn’t Logan’s fault!” Janus argued, folding his arms. “I’m just being a selfish asshole.” Roman looked up, eyes wide.

“What?”

“That's…” Janus looked away. “That’s what Ms. Bean always said, anyway.”

“Listen, Janus,” Roman shook his head. “You aren’t any of those things. Ms. Bean doesn’t understand you, and she probably never will. But that doesn’t matter, and she was wrong. You’re a good kid, and you have a right to be selfish sometimes. Besides that, being upset isn’t selfish. Understand?”

“Yes.” 

Roman was sure Janus just said that to make him stop talking, so he finished his flower crown in silence before putting it on and standing up.

“Wanna come inside? We can put all your things away in your room if you like.” 

“Sure.” Janus stood up as well, not meeting his eyes. Roman nodded, eyes trailing to the boys scraped up knuckles. He’d have to help him with that when they got to the house.

* * *

Janus didn’t know what to do. He’d been trying so hard to be good, and he hadn’t even lasted a day. It didn’t make any sense. He wanted to stay at this house, he was sure he did. He didn’t want to get mad and yell and hit things, those are the things that got him sent back. That, and he hated the feeling. So why had he gotten mad anyway, when Logan hadn’t even done anything? Did he not actually want to be here? He couldn't imagine that. He’d never wanted to stay in a home more than he did right now.

“Can I see your hands?” Roman asked when they stepped into the kitchen through the back door. Janus frowned, lifting his hands grudgingly. Roman inspected them with a frown, then nodded. “Goodness… doesn’t it hurt? It’s still bleeding, what if-” Janus stared at him in surprise as Roman seemed to be… panicking? “Is it alright if Logan helps us out? I don’t wanna freak out if it’s not... that bad.”

“...sure.” Janus nodded curiously. Roman didn’t seem to be the kind of person to freak out about injuries, yet he just had. Maybe Janus just hadn’t seen that from him before. After all, he’d never seen Roman help anyone with any kind of injury.

“Logan, you in here mi amor?” Roman walked and poked his head out of the kitchen. Janus heard Logan reply, and then Roman said something in what must have been a mix of Spanish and English. Janus didn’t know what he said, but Logan must have understood because he walked in after a moment holding a small first aid kit.

“Roman has a fear of blood.” He explained. Roman scowled playfully, but leaned against the counter. “Can I see your hands?”

“Yes.” Janus held them out carefully, not meeting Logan’s eyes. 

He still wanted to help him after Janus yelled at him like that? Sure, in the home and some of the other placements he’d had, the adults grudgingly helped him out. But not gently like Logan was, cleaning tree bark and dirt from the scrapes. And they usually lectured him or were rude while they did it, too. Not to mention the uncle, who didn’t care what happened to him at all.

“They should be alright,” Logan said after rubbing antibiotic cream across them. “Roman gets worried easily about things like this.”

“Oh, lay off, nerd.” Roman laughed, shaking his head. “I simply don’t like blood, is that too bad?”

“I suppose not.” Logan chuckled and stood up. 

Janus glanced worriedly between the two, but relaxed a bit when Roman leaned to give his husband a kiss. They must not be too mad at each other, then. 

“I’ve brought all of the things we purchased up to your room,” Logan said to him. 

Janus stood up slowly, still looking at the ground instead of them. He didn’t know what he’d see if he looked into Logan’s eyes. Anger? Resentment? Sadness? That, and he was too ashamed to even try and find out. He had not had a great start with Logan today, and he hoped he could convince them he really was trying.

“Do you want any help decorating?” Roman asked excitedly as they moved toward the stairs. Janus bit his lip, then nodded.

“If you want to.” He said softly, glancing up just long enough to see Logan wearing that small little smile again. Maybe he wasn’t upset - though that had to be impossible. Janus would have to try and be as perfect as he could, show them he could be a perfect son.

“Let’s go!” Roman bounced up the stairs, Janus followed. Everyone seemed to have forgotten what happened. How angry Janus got. How he’d yelled at Logan. How did they get back to normal so quickly? If Janus had ever talked to his uncle like that, he wouldn’t have heard the end of it for days. Weeks, maybe.

“What to do first?” Roman turned and looked at Janus expectantly when they reached his room. Janus looked up in surprise.

“It’s your room.” Logan chuckled. 

“That’s right!” Roman beamed. “So, mi Tesoro, where do we begin?”

Janus frowned, looking around the room critically. Apart from clothes, they’d gotten some posters from a few ‘nerd stores’, glowing stars to stick on the ceiling, and things for his desk like a pencil holder and organization things.

“Let’s start with the stars.” Janus decided, searching through the bag and pulling them out. It was a huge pack, Logan had explained that there was enough to cover his entire ceiling if he wanted. 

“Excellent choice.” Roman looked to Logan, grinning. “Wanna help with constellations, specs?”

“What does that mean?” Janus asked, frowning in confusion. Logan chuckled, adjusting his glasses.

“Constellations are groups of stars that people believe to resemble things.” He explained. “Hercules, animals, objects. I have a lot of them memorized, if you’d like me to help you place them.”

“Like the big dipper!” Janus nodded, ripping the pack open. “I didn’t know there was more than one.”

“There’s a lot.” Logan chuckled, looking up at the ceiling. “Now, which way is north?”

Janus wasn’t sure if he needed to answer, because Logan turned toward the window and nodded, looking as if he was already planning the stars out in his head. 

“D’you wanna put them up?” Roman asked, walking to stand next to both of them. “I could help you reach - or Logan could do it himself because he’s a giant.”

Janus hesitated, glancing between the two. Logan had finished his scan of the ceiling and was waiting for Janus’s answer. Roman, Janus noticed now, was much shorter than his husband. He’d have to pick Janus up to help him reach, Janus realized with a jolt.

“Could Logan?” Janus mumbled softly, looking at the floor.

“Of course I can,” Logan said warmly, accepting the pack of stars Janus held out. “Why doesn’t Roman help you put your new clothes away?”

“Oh, yes!” Roman clapped excitedly. “Fashion show!”

“Roman…” Logan sighed, smiling. 

“A fashion show…?” Janus followed Roman to where the bags from the clothing stores sat on his bed. 

“We don’t have to,” Roman explained. “But if you wanted, I always find it fun to try on all my new clothes right away!”

“...can we just put them away?” Janus asked softly, pulling one of the yellow shirts from the bag. Roman nodded immediately, turning to the dresser.

“Alright, how do you want this organized?” He put his hands on his hips. “What do you want in the dresser and closet?”

“Uh…” Janus looked between Roman and the pile of clothes, shaking his head. “I’m not sure…”

“That’s fine, Mi Tesoro.” Roman chuckled, voice growing a bit softer. “Let’s start by dividing it, yeah? Day clothes, pajamas, and nicer day clothes.”

“Sure.” Janus emptied one of the bags and started piling the shirts together, separating the ones with collars and the t-shirts. That had to be what Roman meant by ‘nicer’ day clothes, right?

“That’s a lot of yellow, alright.” Roman said as they sorted. Roman was folding the clothes Janus piled together. “Logan’s more organized than I am, but I like to have a certain order to my wardrobe.” Logan snorted from where he was inspecting the ceiling thoughtfully. Roman grinned. 

“I never really had a dresser and closet at the same time.” Janus explained softly. “So I dunno how to split it up.”

“Well,” Roman frowned thoughtfully, folding another shirt. “Why don’t we put the shirts with collars in the closet and your dress pants?” There weren’t a lot of those, but Janus nodded. “And you can add more nice things and costumes as you get more. We can sort the rest of your stuff in the dresser.”

“Sure.” Janus turned and pulled open the top drawer, dumping all the socks and underwear into it before he closed it again. “Pajamas in the bottom, pants in the second one up, and shirts in the second one down…” he frowned as he realized there were five drawers instead of four like his old one. “Oh.”

“Well, you can sort pajamas by shirts and pants too.” Roman suggested, noticing his pause. Janus nodded, turning to grab the pile of t-shirts from the bed.

“Sure.”

“You already had a system, Janus.” Roman laughed as he crammed the shirts in and closed the drawer. Janus shrugged.

“The closet threw me off.”

“As it does to everyone.” Roman sighed. Janus frowned.

“Did you just make a closet joke?” he tilted his head slightly. “Because you’re gay?”

“Roman you didn’t.” Logan groaned from where he was sticking a star up. Roman laughed.

“Yes, I made a closet joke. You can’t stop me.”

“Unfortunately.” Logan chuckled, shaking his head. “I’m sorry you had to hear it, Janus.”

“It was funny,” Janus said, balling up a plastic bag to store it in the larger one. 

“Thanks,” Roman said, tearing the cardboard off a pack of hangers to put the shirts on it. “Do you have a desire to color code these?”

“...they’re all yellow. And white.” Janus said in confusion, looking at the pile of shirts. Roman nodded.

“Just thought I’d ask.”

“Oh.” 

Janus watched him for a moment before turning to the last bag, filled with what Logan had called ‘miscellaneous’. Inside was a sketchbook, pencils, a few notebooks, and a set with a ruler and other tools he thought had to do with math or something. He’d tried to tell Logan he wasn’t good at drawing, but Logan had just shrugged and put the sketchbook in anyway. 

“That didn’t take too long,” Roman said, putting the clothes he’d been working with into the closet. “How’s it going up there, Specs?” 

“Almost done,” Logan said, now in another corner of the room. “There weren’t enough stars to do the most complex versions of the constellations, but the simple outline and most notable stars are there. Not to scale, or anything, but-”

“It’s fine.” Roman waved a hand. Janus watched them curiously from his desk chair as Roman took Logan’s hand and spun him around, making Logan drop the empty package for the stars in surprise.

“Roman!”

“What?” Roman asked innocently, hugging Logan around the chest. “You seemed like you needed a hug.” 

Janus spun the chair around, picking up a poster and pulling it out of its tube. He wasn’t sure what it was for, but he’d liked the colors and art style when he saw it.

“D’you want me to use poster putty or tacks?” he asked, dumping the other supplies out on the desk. They’d gotten both, but he wasn’t sure if he could poke holes in their wall.

“The putty, if it’ll work,” Logan said, laughing when Roman started to dance with him again. “Roman, we are in the middle of something.”

“It’s okay.” Janus grabbed the putty and went to stand on his bed, spreading the poster out on the wall above it. “I can do this.”

“See?” Roman giggled, leaning on the wall once he stopped spinning. “So what do you think, Janus? A little more like home?” 

Janus looked around the room. He wasn’t sure what Roman meant, exactly. The room felt more lived in, more personal. And seeing Logan and Roman smiling at each other had made him feel safer than he had in years. So he nodded.

“Yeah.” He jumped off the bed to put the remaining putty away. “Just like home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww, Janus is trying so hard T-T I am so mean to him, but at least this chapter had a nice ending.  
> No such promises for future chapters, though. mwahahahha.  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	4. Every Fear You Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HOwdy folks! Ready for some more angst? Ready to hear some about Janus' past? Ready to meet Virgil, Patton, and Thomas?  
> You've come to the right chapter!!!!!!!  
> Warnings: panic, PTSD, violence mentions, food mentions, anxiety, mention of past neglect, ANGST ^-^
> 
> Enjoy!

Janus swung his legs anxiously, staring down Roman and Logan’s long driveway. After that first day, when it felt like everything was going wrong, he’d been doing better. He hadn’t yelled once, and he’d only had one nightmare. He’d been here a week already. Janus grinned at the thought. A whole week, and they hadn’t once threatened to send him back. That wasn’t why he was anxious, though. Janus looked back up at the driveway, then around at the garden.

They’d invited friends over, which Janus had agreed to at the time. But now he was nervous. He knew it was just Patton - the man from the flower shop, his husband, and their son, but he was still nervous. He hated meeting new people. What if they didn’t like him? What would Roman and Logan do? Would they send Janus back, or would they lose their friends?

“What are you doing out here?” Roman laughed as he joined Janus on the porch. Janus shrugged.

“Just waiting. They’ll be here soon.”

“Yeah, Patt just texted.” Roman nodded. “They just had to stop at the nursery for something.” Janus nodded, swallowing nervously. They were almost here, and he had no idea what they’d be like.

“Don’t worry, mi Tesoro,” Roman said after a moment of tense silence. “Patton and Virgil are really sweet, they’ll love you. And I’m sure Thomas will, too.”

“Right.” Janus watched as a car pulled up behind Logan’s. 

He recognized Patton in the driver's seat. Virgil was tall - maybe taller than Logan - and had purple hair and makeup on. It looked cool. Then, the back door opened and someone stepped out onto the driveway. Janus felt the blood drain from his face as he recognized the boy. They made eye contact for a split second, Thomas’s eyes showed just as much surprise and Janus felt. Then Janus jumped off the railing he was sitting on and darted inside, ignoring Roman’s confused look.

“Janus?” Logan stepped out of the kitchen as Janus tried to reach the stairs. Janus stumbled to a halt, tears pricking his eyes. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

“Y-you…” Janus took a deep breath and shook his head, pushing past Logan despite his head screaming it was a bad idea. “You didn’t say you knew Thomas Sanders!”

“Thom-” Janus ran up the stairs before Logan could finish, closing and locking the door behind him. He flung himself onto the bed, finally letting the tears soak into his pillow.

Of course, it had to be Thomas Sanders.

* * *

“Roman, what happened?” Logan stepped outside to where his husband stood with the Fosters. Roman shrugged, mystified. 

Logan sighed, looking over at Thomas, who had a strange expression on his face. Then it hit him. Of course. Thomas had been adopted by the Fosters two years ago, but he was only ten and Janus was twelve. He hadn’t even thought of the possibility Janus might know him.

“Thomas,”

“Hm?” Thomas looked up at him, forcing a smile.

“Thomas didn’t do anything!” Patton protested. “We barely got out of the car before Janus-”

“So it was Janus.” Thomas sighed, looking at the door with a frown. “That was Janus Lyde.”

“What?” Roman frowned and looked between Logan and Thomas. “What are you two on about?”

“Come inside, we should at least sit down.” Logan sighed. Virgil took Patton's hand and nodded. They went into the kitchen, where Logan turned down the heat on the sauce he’d been watching.

“Thomas, do you know him?” Virgil asked once they got settled. Thomas nodded.

“We’re best friends!” he declared, looking up at the ceiling. “At least we were. Before he pushed me down the stairs.”

“What?” Virgil asked in alarm. Logan and Roman looked at each other, Roman obviously just as surprised as Logan was. “Thomas, what are you talking about?”

“When you adopted me,” Thomas muttered softly. A few seconds of silence followed this.

“Ms. Bean said you fell,” Patton said. “You were fine, you’d just been excited and…”

“I was excited.” Thomas folded his hands and looked at them, causing the impression they were in some kind of meeting. Logan smiled. “Janus was mad.”

“It’s been two years, though.” Roman finally said softly. Thomas nodded.

“Yeah, I know. I never said I was upset. Janus wanted to get adopted, too.” he explained. “When we were friends, we promised we’d always have each other…” a crestfallen look crossed Thomas’s face. “But I forgot when I met you and Pop.”

“Where is he now?” Roman asked. Logan frowned, then realized Roman meant Janus.

“In his room,” he said, turning to stir the sauce. “He seemed scared, I thought I would give him a few minutes to calm down before I went up there.”

“Scared?” Thomas asked in disbelief. “Janus never gets scared!” Logan glanced at Roman, who shrugged.

“I’ll go,” Logan said, turning off the stove. “The sauce is done, Roman.”

“Excellent!” Roman put on his beaming smile and took the spoon from Logan. “Thomas, I’m going to show you and your dad's the best way to eat alfredo!”

Logan shook his head in amusement, leaving to walk up the stairs to Janus’s room. He paused outside the door to listen. At first, it seemed silent, but then he heard a few sniffles. At least that meant Janus hadn’t snuck out and run away, Logan thought to himself. He knocked lightly.

“Janus?”

Silence.

Logan tried the handle, finding it locked. He knocked again.

“Janus, it’s Logan. Could I come in?” Logan waited a few minutes, not wanting to knock or talk again until he got an answer. 

He was about to turn and give Janus more time when the lock clicked and the door swung open. Janus stood in the doorway with his head down, hair hanging uncharacteristically over his face.

“Janus,” Logan knelt and put his hands gently on Janus’s shoulders. Janus lifted his head, and Logan felt his heart break when he saw the tears rolling down his face. “Janus… it’s okay.” Logan said, taking a deep breath in hopes Janus would mimic him. “I know I don’t really understand, and I know it’s probably hard to deal with whatever’s going on in your head, but I promise it’s going to be okay.” 

“I…” Janus’s voice broke and he clamped his mouth shut, staring at the floor.

“Would you be… averse… to a hug?” Logan asked awkwardly. Janus stepped forward and let Logan hug him gently, leaning his head on Logan’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Janus whispered. Tears soaked through Logan’s shirt in less than a minute, but he paid them no mind. 

“There’s no reason to be sorry, Janus,” Logan promised. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Yes, I have!” Janus said, bursting into loud sobs. Logan was surprised but held Janus just a little tighter to his chest. “I’m a… I… I’m horrible!” Janus choked out after a few minutes. “An… and… Th… and Thomas probably hates me, and you and Roman are…. You’re both gonna be mad… and you… you’re gonna send me back!”

“Oh, no, Janus.” Logan shook his head. “Roman and I won’t ever send you back to that place. You know that.”

“Everyone says that!” Janus sobbed. “They don’t know me, they don’t… they don’t realize what a bad person I am…”

“There’s no such thing,” Logan pulled Janus back so he could look at his eyes. “As a bad person, Janus. Especially a twelve-year-old.” Janus stared at him, eyes red and still filled with tears. Logan sighed, standing up. He walked with Janus into Janus’s room and sat on the desk chair - Janus sad on the edge of his bed, wiping the tears away with his sleeve.

“Can I tell you something, Janus?” He asked. Janus looked at him worriedly, eyes flickering over to the door they’d left open before nodding. Logan made a mental note of that before he continued. “When I met Roman, I thought he was the most annoying person I’d ever met. We were not friends. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hated him a few times.”

“What?” Janus asked, too shocked to keep crying. Logan nodded.

“We went to the same college, and he was loud and obnoxious and I didn’t appreciate that at all.” He chuckled. “Then, I got stuck in the rain after my car broke down. I went to the bus stop, and do you know what I found?”

“Enchiladas,” Janus recalled, rubbing his eyes again. Logan nodded.

“Roman was sitting at the bus stop in the rain, a cake pan full of warm enchiladas with him.”

“And then you fell in love.” Janus finished. Logan laughed, shaking his head.

“Oh, no, Janus. Before I fell in love, I lost my mind.” He said. Janus frowned. “I’d had a bad day, and the last person I wanted to see was Roman. Let alone be stuck with him in the rain for half an hour. I went off, and I yelled at him for almost ten minutes before he got a word in. I can’t even remember everything I said, but once I was finished I noticed he’d put a serving of enchiladas on a paper plate and was holding it out to me.”

“After you yelled at him?” Janus asked in surprise. Logan nodded, smiling.

“I’d said awful things to him,” he said sadly, shaking his head as he remembered it. “I told him he was annoying, and he was an idiot for bringing enchiladas to a bus stop in the rain. And I felt like a real jerk for a long time afterward, but Roman wasn’t going to give up on me.”

“Did he make you more enchiladas?” Janus asked, picking up a pillow and smashing it with his hands a few times before hugging it. Logan laughed, covering his face with a hand before nodding.

“Oh, Roman made me a lot of enchiladas before I realized I loved him.” he chuckled. “The thing is, Janus, no one is perfect. Not even Roman, even though he wants to be. Not Patton, not Virgil, not Thomas, not Me. But none of us are bad, either.” Janus frowned, and Logan spoke before he could protest. “You aren’t a bad person either, Janus. You’re still a kid. Kids make mistakes.”

“But…” Janus hesitated. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Even Ms. Bean says I’m a bad person.”

“She’s an idiot,” Logan said.

Janus smiled. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses.

“Thomas told us you two were friends.” He finally said. Janus shrunk in on himself, hugging the pillow tighter. “And he told us what happened when he got adopted.”

“He lied,” Janus whispered. Logan raised an eyebrow and Janus shook his head. “He lied to me, Logan! We promised we wouldn’t leave each other behind! We promised we’d refuse to leave without each other! He broke his promise, he lied!”

“He mentioned your promise.” Logan nodded.

“I hate him!” Janus yelled, throwing the pillow across the room. It landed in the doorway and he stared at it unhappily. Logan just watched him, and after a moment Janus’s face crumpled and he started to cry again. “I’m sorry…”

“It’s-”

“I don’t hate him!” Janus flopped backward and pulled the other pillow over his face. “I don’t hate Thomas!”

“I know that,” Logan said softly. Janus fell silent, or at least as silent as he could with the hiccoughs rising from his chest. “We all know that, Janus.”

“I told him I hated him,” Janus whispered after he pulled the pillow off his face. “I hurt him, Logan. What if he… what if he hates  _ me _ ?”

“He doesn’t,” Logan promised.

“How do you know?” Janus sat up, taking deep breaths to calm down. “How do you know he doesn’t hate me?”

“I suppose I don’t know for sure.” Logan sighed and stood up. “Do you want to go ask him?” Janus’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“Do you want to go ask Thomas if he hates you?” Logan repeated, holding out a hand. “I’ll be there, and so will Roman.” Janus stared at his hand, and Logan was sure he’d reach up to take it. He even lifted his hand halfway, but then snatched it back and shook his head.

“No.” Janus held the hand close to his chest and looked at the floor. “I don’t want to see him.” Logan nodded slowly, putting his own hand down.

“Do you want me to stay with you, or-”

“Can I be alone?” Janus asked softly. “I mean, I-”

“Of course.” Logan gently touched Janus’s shoulder before turning. “Door opened or closed?”

“Open, please,” Janus said, Logan picked up the pillow and put it on the desk chair, nodding.

“Well, if you change your mind, we’re having alfredo for dinner. If not, I’ll bring some up in a little bit. Okay?”

“Kay,” Janus said. Logan sighed, walking back down the stairs wondering how he’d explain to Roman all that had happened up there.

* * *

Janus waited until he heard Logan leave the stairs to get up and go to the doorway, poking his head out to listen. He could hear Roman talking. And Thomas. Then Logan, and a voice he didn’t recognize but must be Patton or Virgil. None of them seemed angry, just calm or worried. He backed up after a few minutes and went to the window, staring out at the orchard. 

Logan hadn’t been angry. Janus leaned his head on the glass to think. He hadn’t even sounded like he wanted to be angry. He was just worried, and calm. Calm most of all. He’d talked like he knew exactly what was going to happen. Like everything really was going to be okay. He’d left the door open to talk, and he hadn’t forced Janus to come downstairs.

He was nothing like Janus’s Uncle - or anyone Janus had ever met. And, Janus could barely get his head around it, he wasn’t perfect. Not only that, but he wasn’t bad either. That had to mean he was somewhere in the middle, a neutral kind of person, but Janus had never imagined there could be a place in the middle for him. 

Janus jumped when he saw movement in the garden below his window, then realized it was Thomas. He ran along the paths that covered the area, chasing butterflies. Janus smiled, stepping back so Thomas didn’t see him. He did miss having a best friend. He hadn’t had a best friend since the day he pushed Thomas.

Deciding to act before he thought better of it, Janus wiped his eyes once more and crept out of the room. The grownups were all in the living room, leaving the kitchen and back door completely empty. He walked through silently, glad the back door had been left open to catch a breeze and stepped out onto the grass.

What was he doing? Janus bit his lip worriedly, but shook his head and started off down the path he and Roman had walked on the day they went shopping. If he found Thomas, he found Thomas. If not, well, that was fine with him. Janus soon found himself in the flower crown spot he’d escaped to before. Instead of punching the tree this time, Janus just sat and picked one of the flowers, wishing he knew how to make a crown like Roman did.

He sat there for a while, zoning out to ignore his rumbling stomach. When he finally did bring himself back to his senses, Janus looked up to see that same person staring at him again.

Thomas stood on the path a few yards away, Hands stuffed in his pockets. Janus stared back, surprised, and terrified that Thomas might yell at him. After a moment, during which neither of them spoke, Thomas lifted a hand and waved.

“Hi, Janus.” Janus jumped up and ran over to him, hugging Thomas before he could escape. Thomas laughed and hugged him back.

“I’m sorry I pushed you down the stairs,” Janus said, trying not to cry again.

“It’s okay,” Thomas replied. “It gave me superpowers.”

“No, it didn’t.” Janus stepped back and scowled. “Superpowers aren’t real.”

“What?” Thomas waved a hand. “I’ll show you. My superpower is getting people to do whatever I say. Come on.” 

Janus hesitated, then shrugged and followed Thomas back down the path. They slowed down approaching the back door, and Janus realized that while he’d been outside, all the grownups had moved to the backyard table with the pasta Roman and Logan made.

“Stay here and watch.” Thomas giggled, then ran over to the table and started to talk loudly. “As the four men got ready to eat, one of them jumped on the table and started to sing!” 

Janus watched in amusement as the adults paused, then Roman clambered up onto the table and started singing Disney songs. Thomas laughed, looking over at Janus with a thumbs up.

“Then, another of them fell asleep, only to be awoken by true loves kiss!” Thomas continued, to which Virgil lay his head on the table. He only stayed there for a moment, though, because Patton wrapped him in a hug and kissed him. Thomas laughed, running back to where Janus was hiding.

“I guess you do have a superpower,” Janus said as Roman got back off the table, laughing with the other adults. “You’re welcome.”

“Very funny.” Thomas elbowed him lightly. Janus shrugged. “What’d you do to your hands?”

“I got attacked by a bear,” Janus said, gesturing to the trees and bushes around them. “But I won, so it’s okay.”

“Right.” Thomas nodded. “Did I tell you about the time my foster parents were raccoons?” Janus shook his head, relaxing as they started their old game again. They’d played it constantly when they were friends, making up weirder and weirder stories about why, how, when, and where they were in foster care. Janus was pretty sure neither of them had ever told the true story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a really mean person when it comes to fictional characters. Anyways, hope y'all enjoyed!  
> Take care of yourselves!  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	5. All The Lies That You've Been Told

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sup my dudes! Here's another chapter! It's an angst fest!
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, yelling, self-harm, transphobia (implied), food mentions, anxiety, self-deprecation, mentions of neglect, mentions of therapy 
> 
> Enjoy!

“I’ll be at the nursery almost all day,” Logan said as he got up to wash his cereal bowl. 

“Can I come?” Janus asked, looking up from his own breakfast. Logan thought for a moment, then nodded. “Really?” He hadn’t expected Logan to say yes.

“Sure, I can show you more about how it works and you can look at all our trees.” Logan chuckled. “We still need to choose the one for out back.” 

“Well, you two nerds have fun.” Roman stood up and stretched. “I’ll have to be in the office editing, but holler if you need me.” Janus watched him leave curiously.

“What’s editing?” he asked, bringing his bowl to the sink. Logan chuckled and took the bowl, rinsing it out.

“I forgot you didn’t know what Roman’s job was.” He said. Janus shook his head. “Roman’s a YouTuber, he makes and edits videos.”

“Oh.” Janus nodded, though he still wasn’t sure what that meant.

“Ready to go?” Logan asked, drying his hands on a towel. 

“Yeah!” Janus punched the air excitedly. “To the Nursery!” Logan smiled, picking up his bag from the table. 

“You’re cheerful today.” He noticed. Janus shrugged as he skipped down the front steps.

“I like the nursery.” He announced, putting his hands on his hips. “Plants are cool. I wish I was a plant.” He’d only just now considered that, but being a plant did seem like a better life than being a person.

“Why do you wish you were a plant?” Logan asked as they started up the path. Janus shrugged.

“It’d be easier. I wouldn’t have feelings, and I would get to live in the same place most of the time. That, and I couldn't hurt anyone.”

“Well,” Logan adjusted his glasses. “I hope you don’t mind being a person with me. We have to get some work done.” Janus winced anxiously.

“I do like being a person with you!” he promised. “And I wanna help you, I’m sorry it sounded like I didn’t, I-”

“Everyone wants to be a plant sometimes,” Logan said as they approached the store. “It’s alright.” Janus nodded, rubbing the scabs on his knuckles absently.

“What do we need to do first?” Janus asked, trailing behind the counter with Logan. Logan put his bag down and turned on the computer screen.

“First we need to open,” Logan explained. “Then I’ll show you a few things before it gets busy. It’s not usually busy on Mondays, so we’ll see what happens.”

“Ok.” Janus nodded, looking around the room to try and memorize it again. 

“Patton comes in at ten to help with the register,” Logan said as he logged on. “Until then, I have to keep my work in the building so that I can help any customers. Do you want to turn on the open sign?”

“How do I do it?” Janus asked, looking over at the sign in the window that was currently not lit up.

“There should be a switch on the bottom left corner,” Logan explained. “Closest to the door, just flip it and it should work.”

“Okay!” Janus hurried out from behind the counter to the sign, finding the switch where Logan said it was.

“Thank you.” Logan chuckled, unlocking the door and ruffling Janus’s hair. Janus beamed. Logan showed him a few more things, like the brooms and emergency phone and the water cooler. Then they were sitting behind the counter, Janus trying to finish a crossword while Logan did paperwork, and Logan cleared his throat awkwardly. Janus looked at him.

“Roman and I were wondering,” Logan said slowly, putting Janus’s nerves on edge. “If you would try going back to therapy.” oh. Janus relaxed slightly and shook his head. “I know Ms. Bean had you seeing a therapist, but we quite frankly don’t trust her.”

Janus shook his head more resolutely now, looking back down at the crossword. The last therapist he’d gone to was worse than Ms. Bean, he said that Janus was never going to amount to anything and that his confusion about gender and morals proved that. Janus didn’t want it to be true, and he didn’t want more people to have to tell him that.

“Are you sure?” Logan seemed sad that Janus was so against it, and Janus didn’t know what to say. He most certainly wasn’t going to tell Logan any of this stuff. “Roman’s therapist is a very kind man, I think you’d like him.”

“Roman sees a therapist?” Janus couldn't help but be surprised. Roman was so put together, and happy, and… Logan nodded with a chuckle. “Why?”

“It's healthy,” Logan explained. “Everyone needs someone to talk to, Janus. Good, real, trustworthy therapists help you understand yourself and the world better and help you feel better about yourself. Roman’s come a long way since seeing Dr. Picani.”

“Do you see a therapist?” Janus asked, looking up at Logan again. Logan seemed surprised and adjusted his glasses. “Are you healthy without one?”

“I’ve attended a few sessions with Roman,” Logan mused softly. “And Roman has suggested it to me before, I just never get around to scheduling anything.”

“Oh.” Janus rubbed the scabs on his fingers. “Why don’t you trust Ms. Bean?”

“Because she doesn’t deserve it.” Logan put a comforting hand on Janus’s shoulder. “We won’t make you do anything, Janus. Just promise you’ll think about it for me.”

“Alright.” Janus nodded, though he knew he wouldn’t be going. He had enough people telling him different things about himself, he didn’t need one more.

* * *

“Hi, Patton,” Janus said, wiping sweat from his forehead as he walked behind the counter. He’d been helping Logan move flats and water plants, but Logan was making him take a break. To his surprise, Patton was wearing a floral sundress and a lot of bangle bracelets. It looked awesome.

“Hey, kiddo! Get water, you look hot!” Patton gestured to the fridge. Janus nodded, climbing up onto the chair he’d pulled behind the counter so he could see the store better.

“I like your dress.” He declared after making sure it was just the two of them. Patton beamed.

“Thanks! I wasn’t sure about the length before, but now I think it’s perfect!” Janus nodded, pulling his crossword book out again. He couldn't help but keep glancing over at Patton, who seemed so happy and just himself. He was definitely better at being a person than Janus was.

Janus felt bad for staring, he knew clothes were just clothes and gender didn’t matter, but he hadn’t really seen it in action like this before. His old therapist and his Uncle had always been so strict about colors and styles, even when Janus wanted to wear other things. Patton was the Prince’s friend, and it was obvious he didn’t put any care into society's normalities.

“Can I ask you something?” Janus finally asked after a moment of silence, still no customers or Logan entering the store. Patton nodded, turning to smile at him. Janus sighed and stared at the floor, picking at the scabs on his hand again. 

“What’s up kiddo?”

“It’s just…” Janus felt sick with worry. Should he ask this? What if he offended Patton or he was wrong? “An older kid at the home told me that some people are boys sometimes, and that other times they’re a girl or even something else. Have you heard of that…?” 

He clamped his eyes shut and awaited Patton’s response. There was a beat of silence, and he was sure he’d hurt Patton’s feelings or been wrong about something. He shouldn’t have asked, Patton was going to say the same thing his therapist and uncle and Ms. Bean had said. He was going to tell Logan and Roman and they’d send him back. Then Patton clapped and Janus jumped, eyes snapping open.

“That’s genderfluid! Or non-binary, where’d you hear about it again?”

“Just…” Janus stared at Patton’s elated expression. “Just one of the older kids.” He whispered, leaving out the context. “Is it really a thing?” Patton nodded.

“It sure is! Those people are so special and brave for being themselves, y’know? But also just people, regular people like us and they deserve respect. Y’know?”

“Yeah.” Janus breathed, listening to Patton ramble about different things in relation to the question, but felt simply overjoyed. Non-binary. He didn’t know exactly what that meant, but he liked the way it sounded. That was another thing he was going to have to look up, along with all the Spanish things Roman kept calling him and Logan.

“Did you drink some water?” Logan asked, entering through the employee door. Janus nodded quickly, turning from where Patton was talking about one of his old friends, who was something called bi-gender. Another word to research.

“Yeah!” Janus jumped down from his chair. “What next?”

“Next, you head home.” Logan smiled apologetically. Janus frowned. “You need some lunch, and you’ve been out in the heat all day.”

“What about your lunch?” Janus asked curiously.

“Yeah, Lo,” Patton asked with a giggle. “Don’t tell us you’re skipping again.” Janus looked at Logan worriedly and Logan sighed.

“If I stay you won’t leave me alone, will you?” he asked. Patton shook his head. “Alright, I’ll be back in an hour. Let’s go, Janus.” Janus grabbed his crossword book and nodded, following Logan back outside and down the path toward their house.

“Do you not like eating lunch?” Janus asked softly, staring down at the path in front of them.

“I do, I just forget to,” Logan explained. “Or I get busy, and I procrastinate.” He chuckled. “It drives Roman crazy, he’ll be glad I’m returning with you for lunch.”

“Oh yeah, Roman’s there.” Janus cheered up at the thought of the other man. They made their way to the house, where Roman was at the kitchen table with a computer, writing.

“We’re here for lunch, dearest,” Logan said, kissing Roman’s head. Janus smiled.

“Hey you two,” Roman got up and closed the computer. “What’ll it be? Sandwiches? Ramen?”

“You guys have Ramen?” Janus asked, putting his book on the table.

“That’s fine with me,” Logan said, amused. Janus grinned and went to get a pot from the cupboard, Roman going to the pantry where Janus hadn’t let himself explore yet. He was too worried about Roman or Logan thinking he was going to steal their food - which he knew was silly but couldn't get himself to ignore it. He had enough to worry about without adding the extra guilt of being wrongly accused.

* * *

Janus scowled down at the page before him, then down at the list of different possible spellings, he’d figured out for the words Patton said to him. Logan asked him to stay home after lunch so he didn’t get sick from the sun, so Janus had found a student's dictionary on the bookshelf and gone up to his room to look up the words. The only problem was, they weren’t there.

Nonchalant. None. Nonexistent. Nonfiction. Nonsense.

But there was no ‘nonbinary’.

Janus read the entire page again, sure that he’d somehow missed it in the spine or underneath one of the longer definitions. Still, he couldn't find it. He sighed, then flipped toward the front to try and find one of the other words, but his unhappiness and frustration only grew when he found that there was no ‘bigender’ or ‘genderfluid’ in there either. All he could find was ‘gender’ which was defined as being only male or female - but that’s not what Patton had said. Patton had been so sure that there was more than that, so happy about it. Could it have all been a lie? A joke? Like the ones from the other kids at the orphanage? 

Janus slammed the dictionary shut and threw it across his room where it hit the wall and fell with a thump to the floor. It was a paperback, and the thump wasn’t nearly as satisfying as Janus would have liked. He sighed, grabbing his hair irritably to tug on. 

It wasn’t fair. He liked the word nonbinary. But it wasn’t real, and Patton had lied to him. Janus felt raw anger in his chest when he thought about it. Why did everyone just lie to him all the time? He hated it. He hated his Uncle, he hated Ms. Bean, and now he hated Patton, who he’d liked a whole lot before.

Janus jumped to his feet, tears rolling down his face as he pulled all the blankets off his bed and threw them across the room, only receiving a small amount of satisfaction from it. It wasn’t fair. Why did everyone only lie to him? Why did this always have to happen? It was like as soon as the world started to make sense, the entire thing was just ripped out from underneath him and he just wanted to know what a simple word meant.

“Janus?” Janus didn’t know who was there, but he threw a pillow toward them anyway.

“Shut up! I hate you!” the words fell from his mouth the way they always did and he wanted to scream in frustration, instead turning to punch the side of his dresser with his still healing hands.

“J- hey, Janus!” Roman grabbed his arms and Janus growled, turning to push Roman away from him. “Mi Tesoro, what’s going on?”

“Shut up! Don’t call me that!” Janus yelled. He didn’t know what it meant, he hated that he didn’t know what it meant. “Let go of me!”

“I’m sorry,” Roman let go of him and Janus shoved the man away, searching the room for something to attack other than Roman. There was none, but he couldn't get himself to intentionally hurt the guy, even with the anger he felt. Roman hadn’t been the one to lie. So Janus just turned back to his dresser and slammed his head against it, drawing a terrified gasp from Roman’s mouth.

* * *

“Janus stop it!” Roman yelled, grabbing him despite the fact that Janus obviously didn’t want to be touched. He pulled the kid away from the wall and dresser, hugging him tightly to his chest. “Please, just…” Janus sobbed, pulling against Roman’s grip and Roman’s throat tightened sadly. Of all the things he might have expected to find after hearing some thumps, this wasn’t it. Janus had been doing so well, what happened?

“Let go of me!” He yelled again, voice already growing hoarse from it. He was tired, he’d been helping Logan outside all day and now was using all his energy to try and get away from Roman. Roman kept him tightly in the hug, not sure what on earth to do without having to let go and let Janus hurt himself again. He’d hit the dresser so hard his knuckles were bleeding again, and Roman could see a lump forming on his head.

“Janus, I’m sorry,” Roman said softly, hugging him tighter. “Please just take some deep breaths with me, please…”

“Shut up shut up shut up!” Janus tore himself from Roman’s grip and Roman gasped, falling back a bit. 

Seeing the blood on Janus’s hands made him feel sick, and seeing the despair and anger in his eyes made him feel like bursting into tears. But he had to keep it together. The two stared at each other for a moment, wide-eyed and breathing hard. Then Janus surprised him and took off out of the room. 

Roman scrambled to his feet to follow him, tripping over the blankets strewn across the floor. Janus had already run out of the house and into the paths by the time Roman reached the kitchen, and Roman had no idea what to do. He pulled out his phone to call Logan, taking a moment to recover from what had happened.

“Roman? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Janus,” Roman said quickly, trying to block images of Janus’s hands and tear-streaked face from his mind. “I don’t know what happened and he freaked out and now he’s gone, and-”

“What?” Logan asked in shock. “Gone?”

“He ran out the back door and I lost him, and he hurt his hands again and he hates me,” Roman felt tears start to roll down his face as he heard Janus’s angry words in the back of his mind.

“Janus doesn’t hate you,” Logan said quickly. “I’ll be right there, Roman, just try to find him please.”

“Okay…” Roman nodded and stepped into the backyard, wiping his eyes as he looked around. “There are so many freaking trees, Lo, I dunno where he went, I…”

“Deep breaths, we’ll find him,” Logan repeated. “Do you want to wait for me so we can give him a moment to calm down as well?”

“Sure,” Roman mumbled, straining his ears for any sign of the twelve-year-old. He heard nothing but birds and his own breathing, and then Logan was there wrapping his arms around him.

“There,” Logan wiped Roman’s tears and smiled. “Now, what happened?”

“I heard some weird noises in his room,” Roman said softly, holding Logan’s hands up by his face for comfort. “I went to check on him and he was really upset - like, really really upset. He was throwing things and he was hitting his head on the dresser, and he’d already hurt his hands again and they were bleeding and… and he said he hated me. I tried to get him to breathe and calm down but he didn’t let me and he ran off, and I don’t know what to do…”

“Alright…” Logan looked around the yard and took a deep breath. “We’ll look for him, hopefully, he hasn’t gone too far. Then we’ll get him some rest and clean up his hands and talk to him about it when everything’s taken care of. Sound good?” Roman nodded, letting Logan hold just his hand as they hurried toward one of the paths. Then he forced himself to let go and turned toward one going the opposite way.

“We’ll find him faster if we split up,” he mumbled, wiping his eyes. Logan nodded, offering a small supportive smile before they both hurried down their respective path. Roman loved the forest aesthetic, but it really was starting to cause some worry with the habit Janus had of running off into it.

But as Logan said, it’d be alright. They’d find Janus soon. They had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahahahahaa I'm a very mean person. But I freaking love cliffhangers, so.... I'm not gonna apologize.
> 
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	6. When The Sky Falls Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright I've left you on a cliffhanger for long enough lol
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, self-harm, slightly unsympathetic Virgil, mentioned transphobia, food mentions, panic attack, angst
> 
> enjoy!

Janus woke up and knew he was in trouble. He sat up, eyes wide as he saw the darkness around him. It was nighttime, and he was still outside. Tears welled up in his eyes, spilling over and following the dried tear tracks on his face. He’d run away from Roman, through the orchard to wherever he was now, near a fence he’d been too exhausted to try and climb over. He’d fallen asleep, and now it was the middle of the night. The moon was directly overhead, and as Janus got more used to being awake he found that he could see a little bit better. That, and he could see flashlights bobbing through the orchard - nowhere near him, though. They were closer to the nursery and the road.

Janus shakily got to his feet, stretching his sore muscles with a wince before inspecting his hands. They had dried blood on them and had scabbed over again, but they were alright. He was mostly worried about Logan and Roman. They were going to be so angry at him, they were bound to send him back now. But it's not like he could just stay out here forever, he hated being outside in the dark.

So Janus grudgingly started through the trees toward the nearest flashlight, hugging himself tightly as he tried not to cry too loudly. The closer he got to the light, the more anxious he became. He could hear Logan calling his name, and he could almost see the man as he searched a few rows over. Then Logan turned, flashlight shining toward Janus, and Janus froze uncertainly.

“Janus?” Logan ran toward him and Janus didn’t move, just stared down at the dirt. “Oh my god, Janus where have you been?” he sounded so upset, so not like Logan. Janus didn’t answer, just stepped forward and pressed his dirty, tear-streaked face into Logan’s abdomen for comfort. Logan hugged him back immediately, letting his flashlight fall to the ground.

“Janus, we were so scared.” He breathed, holding Janus tighter than anyone ever had, in any context. Janus melted into the touch, body shaking with sobs. Logan pulled out his phone with one hand, still holding Janus tightly with the other, and Janus heard him talking to someone on the other end.

“I found him - he was in the orchard near the northwest edge,” he said, voice trembling. “No - it’s alright. Just head home and tell Roman we’re on our way back. I know. We’ll see you there.” then he hung up and held Janus with both arms again. After a few moments, he spoke again and it was clear this time he was addressing Janus.

“We need to go home, now. Will you walk with me?” Janus nodded, not daring to speak as he stepped back and let Logan stand up from where he’d been kneeling. Logan wrapped an arm around Janus’s shoulders, but it didn’t feel like it was to keep him from leaving. It felt like Logan just wanted to hug him while they walked. Janus didn’t believe that, though he let Logan hug him anyway as they walked back toward the house.

The closer they got, the sicker Janus felt. They were going to send him back or hit him, and they’d certainly yell at him. He deserved it. He’d made his room a mess, he’d hurt Roman, and he’d run away for who knows how long. Logan seemed to notice his terror and slowed down as they approached the back door.

“Janus?”

“Y-yeah…?” Janus felt like he couldn't talk - his throat was all tight and he was scared.

“It’s alright.” Logan murmured softly. Janus swallowed, nodding even though he knew it wasn’t. The light was on in the kitchen, and he could see Roman, Patton, and Virgil through the back door. He stared at the ground as he and Logan approached, not even looking up when Roman grabbed him in a hug, holding him tight.

“God, we were so worried, Mi Tesoro, I’m so sorry…” Roman mumbled softly, his rambling dissolving into a mixture of Spanish and English that Janus couldn't understand.

“It’s alright, Roman,” Logan said softly. “Let’s let him sit down so I can check on his hands, alright?” Janus pulled his hands to his chest, cheeks burning. Roman nodded and let go of him, kissing Janus’s forehead gently before standing up. 

“I’m sorry,” Janus whispered, letting Logan take him to the kitchen table and sit down. Logan just shook his head, taking Janus’s hands gently and inspected them.

“Is it bad?” Roman asked worriedly, hovering a few feet away and not looking at Janus's hands. Janus felt bad, he knew Roman didn’t like it when he got hurt.

“You should be fine,” Logan gently cleaned the dirt and dried blood from Janus’s hands with a warm wet cloth. “But if you keep reopening the wounds every few days, you’re going to have a scar. Or worse.”

“Right,” Janus said softly.

“Now, drink this because you’re dehydrated,” Patton said, putting a glass of water on the table in front of him. Janus nodded, taking the glass with the hand Logan wasn’t currently rubbing antibiotic cream across. The room fell silent as Logan finished wrapping Janus’s hands in gauze, then he stood up.

“Time for bed, Janus.” Logan murmured softly. Janus nodded, following him up to his bedroom. To Janus’s surprise, everything he’d thrown around had been put back into place. His face flushed more at the thought, but he was too exhausted to apologize again. He just crawled into the bed and pulled the blankets over his face, not caring if Logan left the door open or not.

* * *

“Where was he?” Roman asked as soon as Logan arrived back in the kitchen. Logan sighed, rubbing his forehead tiredly.

“He was in the orchards, near the very edge in the northwest. He came to me, I don’t think I would have found him for a while longer if he hadn’t. Judging from the dirt on his face and arm, he fell asleep in the grass somewhere.”

“Awe, Janus…” Roman looked at the stairs as if he wanted to go and hug the boy again. Logan took his hand and smiled gently.

“Did you find anything when you cleaned his room that could tell you why he got upset?” He asked. Roman nodded, turning to the counter where he’d placed a few rumbled papers and an old students dictionary Logan recognized from their bookshelf.

“Look at this,” he said softly, handing a paper to Logan. Logan looked down at it, adjusting his glasses. It was a list. Each word on the list was repeated several times in different spellings. Non-binary. Genderfluid. Bigender.

“Non-binary?” Logan asked, baffled. “Was he looking it up in the dictionary?”

“It’s not there, Lo,” Roman mumbled. “I checked, none of them are there.”

“Of course not.” Logan sighed unhappily, putting the paper back down. “This dictionary is from 2008, it’s what they used to give to third graders in my hometown. Unfortunately, schools are still too bigoted to include those definitions here, they most certainly wouldn’t have had it back then.”

“He was looking up Non-binary?” Patton asked in surprise. Logan looked at him. “He was talking to me at the Nursery before lunch,” Patton explained, glancing at Virgil before looking at the floor. “He said someone once told him about people who are different genders at different times, so I explained about Genderfluid and a couple of different labels.”

“Ah.” Logan nodded, rubbing his eyes. After that conversation, Janus would still not know how to spell the words, hence the list. And Logan knew Janus always hated feeling lied to, as Logan had learned when they found he and Thomas had been friends. If Janus had found the words in the dictionary, none of this would have happened. “Thank you, Patton. I’m starting to understand.”

“I’m not.” Roman pouted.

“Janus, as I explained about Thomas and his agreement a week ago, strikes out when he feels lied to.” Logan gestured to the book and papers. “He felt Patton lied to him, made up the labels and identities because he didn’t find it in the dictionary.”

“Seriously?” Virgil’s eyes widened. “You don’t think Janus is… maybe?”

“It's not up to me thinking or not thinking that.” Logan shrugged. “It’s up to Janus. We’ll talk to him tomorrow after he gets a good night's sleep.” he checked the time and winced. “Speaking of which, you two are welcome to stay the night if you like. It’s late, and Thomas is undoubtedly asleep at your parent's house already.”

“Alright.” Patton nodded and Virgil pulled out his phone to text Thomas’s grandparents about the development. “I’m glad you guys found him.”

“So am I.” Roman wrapped Logan in a hug. “Thanks, Lo.” Logan returned the embrace, but his thoughts were still with the child that slept a floor above. If only they could get Janus to trust them with questions like that, he could understand the world a little better.

* * *

“He’s still asleep,” Roman said, the last of the four friends to wake up and enter the kitchen that morning. Logan got up and nodded, retrieving another bowl from the cupboard Roman giggled sleepily. “I can get it myself, mi amor.”

“I’m aware,” Logan said, though he still didn’t go to hand Roman the bowl until Roman raised his eyebrows. “I’m going to ask Janus again if he’d like to see your therapist, just once.”

“That’s a good idea.” Roman sighed, kissing him on the cheek and nodding at his friends at the table.

“Are you guys… sure?” Virgil asked suddenly. Roman looked at him quizzically. “About Janus, I mean. I know you don’t want to believe what Ms. Bean said, but this whole thing was an example of his ‘violent tendencies’ and we know he pushed Thomas down the stairs, what if she’s right?” Roman froze, a sinking in his stomach.

“Virge!” Patton pouted, taking his husband's hand. Logan frowned.

“What do you mean, if she’s right?” he asked the emo. Virgil shrugged, looking at the ground. “Right about what? Everyone gets upset, Virgil. Janus has not been taught how to express his emotions. He’s been neglected, and that’s why Roman and I are doing this. We didn’t want a perfect child because such a thing does not exist. Thomas has his fair share of problems, too.”

“I know, Logan. Geez.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “I just mean… what if he doesn’t stop? What if he never gets over this thing where he attacks himself and you guys and runs off? What are you supposed to do, stay in the same room as him for the rest of your lives?”

“What is your problem?” Roman demanded, getting to his feet; cereal forgotten. Logan hugged him gently.

“Look, I’m just saying, maybe there was a reason Janus-”

“Don’t you dare say what you’re about to say,” Roman whispered dangerously, pulling out of Logan’s embrace. Virgil hesitated, falling silent. “Don’t you  _ dare _ .” his voice shook dangerously, but Roman didn’t care like he usually would. He was too angry.

“Ro-”

“Nobody.” Roman hissed. “Nobody deserves to be treated like Janus’s been treated. Nobody deserves to be that confused and neglected. So you better think really hard before you try and tell me how to feel about my own  _ son _ , Virgil.”

* * *

Janus stood with his back to the wall, tears rolling down his face as Virgil spoke. Virgil hated him. He wanted Logan and Roman to send him back. After the day before, Janus was sure that was what was going to happen. After all, they’d known Virgil longer than they’d known Janus. He slowly backed toward the stairs, not wanting them to know he heard them when Roman snapped. His eyes widened hearing Roman call him his son.

His son? Janus shook his head and rubbed his eyes, trying to wrap his mind around it. He wasn’t Roman’s son, was he? He was just a kid they wanted to take care of. Sure, they’d told him they wanted to adopt him and everything but… did they mean it? They didn’t know Janus was there, there was no reason for Roman to lie about how he felt for Janus’s sake because as far as he knew, Janus was still asleep.

Janus stepped silently into the kitchen doorway, realizing he must have missed what Virgil said now because Roman was wrapped tightly in Logan’s arms, and Virgil looked embarrassed.

“... Roman?” Janus asked softly, wondering how it would feel to call the man ‘dad’. Roman gasped, pulling away from Logan to smile past teary eyes.

“Oh good, you’re awake!” he chuckled. “For a second there I thought you’d started hibernating.” Janus nodded, wringing his hands. 

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he said softly, staring at the ground to avoid looking at Virgil and Patton.

“Awe, it’s okay.” Roman ruffled his hair. “Want some breakfast?” Janus nodded, climbing into a chair while Roman poured a bowl of cereal.

“How are your hands?” Logan asked from where he was doing something on his computer.

“They’re ok,” Janus said, not mentioning the stinging pain he felt whenever a scab stretched with his knuckles. They didn’t need to know that.

“We should probably get going,” Virgil said. He and Patton stood up. “We promised Thomas we were going to the zoo today.”

“Have fun,” Logan said, giving them a thin smile. Janus watched them go, feeling worse than ever. They didn’t even want to be in the same room as him. Would Roman and Logan really choose Janus over their own friends? The thought seemed impossible, but Roman’s defensive voice still ran in his head.

“I’m really sorry,” Janus whispered again, staring down at his cereal.

“We forgive you, little guy,” Roman said, sitting down where Virgil had just been. He hesitated and Janus felt his stomach tighten with fear. Then Logan spoke up.

“We just want to ask if you know why you got so upset.” He said, adjusting his glasses. “We want to help you, but if you don’t tell us what happened then we don’t know how.”

“Oh.” Janus’s shoulders sagged in relief and he stared at the table, biting his lip for a moment. Logan and Roman stayed silent, obviously awaiting his response. 

“W-well… I don’t like it when people trick me.” Janus finally explained, messing with his spoon a bit. “A lot of people tell me things and I don’t know what they mean, or if it’s true. And yesterday…” 

Janus stopped. Should he tell them about Patton being in on the trick? No, Patton was their friend. 

“I was trying to look up some words I heard at the home before I came here; and they weren’t real words even though I wanted them to be real.” He finally said, then shoveled cereal into his mouth to keep from having to explain anymore. 

Roman and Logan nodded, and Logan held out Janus’s paper and the dictionary he’d borrowed. Janus’s eyes widened and he swallowed quickly, fighting the way his vocal cords wanted to freeze.

“I’m sorry I borrowed the book without asking!” he blurted out, looking up at Logan. “I was just-”

“Janus, I don’t mind,” Logan said, smiling. Janus frowned but felt relieved knowing Logan wasn’t mad. “I wanted to tell you about this, and about what you were looking up. Is that okay with you?”

“...okay.” He sounded so genuine, so nice. Not like any of the other adults in Janus’s life.

“So, non-binary people are in the LGBTQ community, like Gay people and Transgender people,” Logan said. Janus frowned, nodding and biting back his questions for when Logan was done. “A lot of people, though, don’t think they exist and don’t like them at all very much. People have recently gotten a lot nicer about it, and started adding those words to the dictionaries, but this one…” Logan put the dictionary down on the table. “This one is old. It was written by people who don’t believe that Non-binary people or Genderfluid people or even Transgender people exist.”

“Oh.” Janus scowled at the book. “So how do we know what the words mean? How do we know if they’re real or not?”

“By using newer books, or the internet,” Logan said. Janus nodded slowly, stirring what was left of his cereal around the bowl. 

“Why don’t they believe those people exist?” he finally asked. “They don’t get to decide what color eyes people have or anything, why do they get to decide who they are?”

“You’re right,” Logan said softly, ruffling his hair gently. Janus smiled. “Some people just don’t understand.”

“Sounds like you understand, though,” Roman said, getting up with his bowl to wash it. “You’ve put a lot of thought into this, mi Tesoro.”

Janus flushed, staring down at the table.

“If you have a question about things, you can ask us,” Logan said softly. “And you can use my computer if I’m around, as long as you ask first. Learning is an amazing thing, you don’t have to keep it secret.”

“Alright.” Janus sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I really am sorry I ran away, Logan…”

“I know you are.” Logan chuckled, getting to his feet. “But as much as I want to stay here and do more research with you, I have errands to run. Will you be alright with Roman? We can do some research tonight if you like.” Janus nodded.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” The answer, while immediate and rehearsed, was also genuine today. Logan was smart, and Janus was glad he wanted to do research with Janus. That, and Janus still hadn’t figured out what a ‘YouTuber’ was. Maybe he’d find out by hanging out with Roman.

“I’ll be back in a few hours.” Logan said, kissing Roman and waving as he put everything in his bag and started out. 

“Bye, Logan.” Janus watched him go, then got up to wash his bowl. That hadn’t turned out like he expected it to. They didn’t hate him, and better than that, Patton hadn’t lied to him about non-binary being a thing. 

Maybe things would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I told you it would be mostly okay...  
> and before you freak out just know Virgil's gonna get his priorities in order by the time I finish the book alright he's a mess right now.  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	7. I Will Show You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newwwww Chapter! ^-^
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, mention of suicide, mention of abuse, mention of neglect, food mentions, anxiety, angst.
> 
> Enjoy! Lol

Logan did not want to go back to this place. When they’d signed the papers and taken Janus home, he’d sworn to Roman that they wouldn’t go back until the time came that they might adopt again. Yet here he was - without Roman or Janus of course. Logan didn’t want to let Ms. Bean near either of them. He didn’t want to go near her either, but he had to.

“Mr. Prince?” The secretary asked in surprise when he walked in. “oh no… do you have a problem with Janus too?” Logan was silently thankful for the dismay in her voice as she mistakenly realized this. He shook his head.

“Where is Ms. Bean?” He asked. The secretary hesitated, looking around, before leaning forward to whisper.

“She was fired. Someone sued the home in regards to her being negligent and emotionally abusive to some of the children.” Logan’s eyes widened in surprise and the secretary nodded, eyebrows almost to her hairline. “Our boss was furious when they found out how she treated some of them. Why did you need to see her? I’m holding her role as caretaker until they find someone better.”

“Well,” Logan adjusted his glasses and smiled. “I wanted to look at Janus’s file again.”

He’d read through it once before, of course. He and Roman had skimmed it together, but Roman was upset easily by most things it contained and Logan hadn’t gotten a good chance to study it. The way Janus reacted to some things made Logan feel useless, and he wanted to help the boy as much as he could. 

“Of course!” The secretary turned to a file cabinet. “Did Ms. Bean not give you a copy? She was really awful at doing things right, I can’t believe she wasn’t fired earlier.” Logan nodded, feeling his hatred for the woman grow every time he thought of her. But, she was gone now due to someone taking action. He’d wanted to, but Janus had been a priority over that for the past two weeks.

“Here we are!” The secretary pulled out a file, painfully thick to be that of a twelve-year-old boy. “Do you want a copy to take with you for Roman to read?”

“Perhaps.” Logan accepted the file. “I’ll take a look and see if anything he’ll want to read is there.” She nodded, gesturing to the chairs against the wall of the lobby.

“Take all the time you need, Mr. Prince. Just let me know and don’t walk off with that.” She laughed, and Logan nodded with a thin smile, taking a seat to open the file.

All of Janus’s history. All of the known trauma he’d suffered, right here on paper. It seemed cruel, possibly inhumane, but it was the only way they could keep track of everything.

The first part, Logan knew well. It was what they’d initially heard when learning of Janus on the website. Taken from an abusive and negligent home at five, in an out of homes until now. Some longer than others, Logan noted with the small chart of dates on another paper. The one before Roman and him had lasted almost a year, and Janus had been back in the home for four months between the two.

The records and reasons for repeated removals were another baffling mystery, Logan noted. They all explained how Janus would mouth off, express his hatred for the families and the foster system, and eventually either demand to be removed or be such a handful that the families couldn't handle it. That was certainly nothing like the Janus Logan knew. 

He made his way through the papers, recognizing each of them as he worked his way through the stack. And then he reached a thick packet, one that he knew for certain they hadn’t had when reading through the first time. He scowled, noting the date and description of this placement of Janus’s.

He’d been placed there nearly a year and a half ago and removed only a few months before Logan and Roman met him. That, Logan was already aware of. But the words ‘kinship placement’ were new. Of course, Logan recognized the term. That meant whoever had taken him in was related to Janus, in one way or another, and wanted to take care of him.

Reading through the packet made Logan feel sick, and he scowled down at it wondering what on earth this man had done to get approved to take care of the boy. Other than being Janus’s uncle, it was clear the man had no attachment to him. Instances of violence, abandonment, and cruelty filled the packet.

Logan had to put the papers aside and pulled off his glasses, wiping tears from his eyes. What on earth? Why hadn’t they had that packet beforehand? Why hadn’t they been informed that Janus was often refused a bed, forced to sleep on the couch without any privacy? Had Logan known, he would have moved Janus to his room that first night to help him feel safe. 

“Are you alright, Mr. Prince?” Logan lifted his head in surprise, replacing his glasses. He nodded, taking a shaky breath.

“Yes, er,” he retrieved the packet. “This was not in Janus’s file the day Roman and I read through it. Do you know why?”

“Hm?” the secretary took the paper and frowned. “It should have been. There was a huge investigation into Janus’s uncle after he committed suicide and left Janus alone again… this should have been in there.”

“He committed suicide?” Logan sighed, covering his eyes to breathe. “I’d like a copy of the file if you please. Roman and I weren’t aware of this entire history of Janus’s trauma, I feel we could have been more understanding the past few weeks if we had.”

“Of course!” The secretary put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I’ll grab you a tissue as well if you’d like.” Logan chuckled and nodded.

“Thank you.” 

He helped the secretary gather up the file and once she’d left to get a copy, he pulled out his phone to text Roman but halted when he saw Roman had sent him a picture of himself and Janus in costume, and he noted the bright smiles on both of their faces. Logan put the phone away and sighed. He could talk to Roman about what he’d found in person, perhaps after Janus was in bed. For now, he’d leave them be.

* * *

Roman hadn’t been in the kitchen or living room when Janus came downstairs after getting dressed. 

“Roman…?” Janus called anxiously, poking his head down the small hallway.

“In the office, buddy, come on in!” Roman called. Janus bit his lip and went to the doorway, pausing just outside. His Uncle never let Janus in the office, even when it made sense. Then he looked in and his eyes widened. It was nothing like his Uncle’s office.

Roman’s office was big, and half of it was like a costume store. Racks of fun costumes and weird clothes filled the space. The other half looked like a tiny living room, with a tripod and two giant light things. Roman was sitting cross-legged on the floor, reading through a notebook.

“...what is your job?” Janus asked, unable to stop himself. Roman looked up, grinning.

“I thought Logan told you, I’m a YouTuber!” Janus sighed, timidly stepping into the room.

“I don’t know what that means,” he explained, going to sit beside Roman restlessly.

“Oh, well hold on.” Roman reached over and grabbed his bag, pulling out his laptop. Janus watched curiously as he pulled up a webpage and pressed play on a video. The video was of Roman, midway through explaining some kind of makeup thing. “This is my channel. I record myself doing makeup and cosplays and tell people how I’m doing it, in case they want to try. I also do some skits, but it’s mostly tutorials.”

“Do people watch?”

“Yeah.” Roman chuckled softly. “I’m not famous or anything, but I have quite a lot of subscribers. It helps pay the bills and everything.”

“Cool.” Janus was still watching the Roman on the laptop, mystified at how he was somehow transforming his face to look like, in this case, a skeleton. It was scarily accurate - despite Roman having rich brown skin. “How do you do that? Can you show me?”

“Of course!” Roman beamed, setting the laptop to the side and grabbing a big red case. “What do you want me to show you first?”

“Just regular,” Janus said, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Maybe how to cover up my scar?” Roman glanced up and frowned.

“What scar?”

“This one,” Janus said, reaching up to trace one cheekbone. “What other scar is on my face?”

“Oh.” Roman leaned closer. “That’s not too bad, bud. I didn’t even realize that was there.”

Janus didn’t believe that - it was all he could ever see when he looked in the mirror.

“Can you show me how, though?”

“Of course.” Roman opened the case and pulled out a handful of brushes and a few big flat boxes. Janus winced when Roman took his chin in his hand, but let Roman look at his face before he opened one of the boxes - it was filled with smaller squares of makeup. 

“This is a neutral palette,” Roman explained. “A lot of it is darker to match my skin, but this one should work for you.”

“Okay.” Janus nodded, then held still as Roman started to gently brush across his skin, explaining softly what the ‘foundation’ did and why they put it on first.

Sometime later, Roman sat back and held up a mirror. Janus grinned, leaning forward a bit. He could hardly see the scar at all now, and maybe he only could because he knew it was there. Roman had brushed yellow and green eyeshadow around his eyes as well. It looked cool!

“Thank you!” Janus surged forward to give Roman a hug and Roman laughed, patting his back gently. Janus flushed, sitting back hurriedly. “Sorry. I love it.”

“Don’t apologize, mi Tesoro,” Roman said. Janus shrugged. “What do you say we look at costumes?”

“Sure.” Janus got to his feet as Roman packed up the makeup supplies. He walked over to a rack of clothes and ran his hands along the fabrics. Roman had so many costumes! That made sense if he did it for his job, technically, but Janus was pretty sure he’d only seen that many when he went to a costume store in October once with his Uncle.

Janus shook his head to force the memories of his uncle away, pulling a box from under the rack to reveal it was filled with hats.

“How many costumes have you made?” he asked curiously, digging through the box.

“I don’t keep track,” Roman said, walking over to join him. Janus pulled a hat out of the bottom of the box and put it on, enjoying its velvet texture. “The bowler hat suits you.”

“The what?” Janus pulled it off again and frowned, inspecting it. “Why is it called that?”

“Y’know what?” Roman shook his head and pulled a crown out of the box, balancing it on his head. “I have no idea.” 

Janus stuffed it on his head again and stood up, looking around for something that could match. He found it on a rack near the wall, looking much more organized and unused than the ones near the middle where Roman was still rifling through. A cape with yellow inside. Before moving in with Logan and Roman, Janus hadn’t really had a favorite color, but it was growing on him ever since they went to the mall. He pulled it on, spinning around a bit to make it fly out in a circle.

“Well what do you know?” Roman laughed when Janus emerged a few moments later, adjusting the hat carefully. “You look pretty snazzy there. Almost like a real-life Disney villain!”

“Is that bad?” Janus glanced down at the cape on his shoulders. Roman shook his head.

“That’s fine, Janus. I know you’re not a villain.” Janus looked up and grinned at Roman’s costume. He’d kept the crown and thrown on a white shirt and sash.

“And you’re a Disney prince, right?”

“That’s right.” Roman laughed, striking a pose. “It’s almost time for lunch, want to take a selfie with me before we have to put these away? Logan doesn’t want me wearing the costumes around the house. He thinks it’s too messy to bring them outside of the office.”

“Sure!” Janus grinned when Roman crouched and pulled out his phone, taking a few pictures with a different silly face in each.

“Alright, put those back on a rack and we’ll go get something to eat,” Roman said, pulling off his crown and sash. 

Janus nodded, taking off the cape and hat, not quite wanting to put them back in Roman’s mass of articles. 

“You know what?” Janus looked up in surprise when Roman spoke. “I hardly ever use those. Go ahead bring them up to your room, if you want. Just don’t eat wearing the cape.”

“Really?” Janus asked incredulously. Roman nodded. “But this is part of your job! What if you need them?”

“Will you let me borrow them if I do?” Roman asked with a grin. Janus nodded immediately. “Sounds like a plan then. Go ahead, take them upstairs, and meet me in the kitchen.”

“...okay.” Janus nodded and stuck the hat back on his head, holding the cape tightly. Then he hurried out before Roman could change his mind, unable to keep a grin off his face. Roman gave them to him? He hadn’t expected that at all. And now Janus had a cool costume to wear whenever he wanted - except for eating apparently. 

Janus carefully hung the cape in the closet and put the hat on a shelf before returning to the kitchen where Roman was at the stove.

“What are you making?” Janus walked over to look inside the pot.

“Just some mac n’ cheese.” Roman chuckled. “I might know some good recipes, but sometimes you just need something simple and easy. Y’know?”

“Yeah.” Janus nodded, though he wasn’t completely sure he knew what Roman meant. “Can I help?”

“Of course!” Roman ripped open the box and took out the cheese packet. “Once the water’s boiling, we’ll need to stir it, and then it’ll take a few minutes. Want to grab us bowls while you wait?”

“Sure!” Janus nodded, not unhappy to be leaving the hot water behind. He grabbed a chair and pulled it to the cupboard, standing on it to reach. “I hate being short.”

“Awe, what’s wrong with being short?” Roman laughed. Janus shrugged. “You’ll grow, mi Tesoro. You’ll probably be taller than I am when you're older.”

“What does ‘mi Tesoro’ mean?” Janus asked, not looking at Roman as he waited for an answer. Roman laughed softly.

“I forgot you don’t know Spanish,” he said sheepishly. “It means ‘my treasure’ - is it okay if I keep calling you that?” Janus’s face flushed and he nodded, putting the bowls he’d found on the counter before closing the cupboard.

“Uh, sure. You can call me that if you want,” he mumbled softly. Roman laughed and ruffled his hair.

“Sorry, you didn’t know. Ask me if you don’t know what I mean, alright?”

“Okay.” Janus breathed out slowly, then looked up at Roman and smiled. Roman returned it, then turned to the stove and dumped the noodles in.

“You want to stir?”

* * *

Roman looked up when the door opened and Logan stepped inside, looking first into the living room where Janus was watching a movie before joining Roman in the kitchen.

“Resisting Disney?” Logan asked, kissing Roman’s head. “What are you up to?”

“Just writing.” Roman shrugged, gesturing to the piles of papers around him. “I’m trying to perfect this but I can’t seem to figure it out.” Logan hummed, picking up the most recent copy and reading over it.

“You’re using too complicated of words.” he finally decided. Roman frowned. “It’s a simple concept, Roman. You don’t need to make it complicated.”

“Thanks, teach.” Roman laughed and took the paper back, shaking his head. “How did it go with the H-A-G?” Logan visibly brightened, to Roman’s surprise.

“She’s been fired,” he said cheerfully, sitting across from Roman and clearing a few of the papers away. “Someone sued the home because of how she treated the kids. And according to the secretary, she was supposed to give us a copy of the records all along.”

“Well she wasn’t very good at her job,” Roman said, though he felt just as cheerful about this turn of events as well. Logan nodded, though he was quickly growing somber again. Roman frowned uneasily. “Lo? What did you find?”

“The records she showed us before weren’t complete,” Logan said softly, pulling a packet from his bag. “I don’t understand how that could have happened, but all the information about his Uncle we were supposed to have wasn’t there last time.”

“His Uncle?” Roman scowled. That didn’t make sense, Janus had been removed from his parents. Hadn’t he?

“Kinship, about a year or so ago,” Logan explained, holding the packet out. Roman took it, biting the inside of his lip as he read the summary of the incident. What on earth? This guy was horrible, why had Janus been allowed to live there for so long?

“Why didn’t we have this?”

“No idea.” Logan sighed, taking off his glasses and rubbing his temples. “But it does explain some things. The couch, for example.” 

Roman nodded, turning the page to read a bit more. He felt sick just thinking about this - why on earth did Janus have to go through all of that? He was just a kid, people should be better at taking care of kids now. They should always have been, yeah, but it’d been quite a while since Roman was growing up in the system and he’d gotten his hopes up that they’d have their crap together by now.

“Well,” Roman put the packet down, unable to keep reading. “Now we know.”

“Yes.” Logan sighed. “But what are we supposed to do with the knowledge?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Logan just wants his boys to be happy T-T he's so sad in this fic I'm so sorryyyyy  
> they're all so sadddddddd  
> Thanks for reading!  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	8. Way Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who wants to get hurt?
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, mentions of neglect, mentions of abuse, sadness, angst, food mentions, mentions of transphobia/homophobia, and more angst.
> 
> Enjoy!

“There’s so many!” Janus stared at the list Logan had found online, names and descriptions for different genders (or lack of).

“Yes.” Logan laughed softly. “There are quite a few labels out there, and some people don't even use labels.”

“They don’t?” Janus scowled. Why would anyone do that? It was important to know things, and to know what to call them, right?

“Look at it like this.” Logan pulled a paper out of the printer and put it on the desk, drawing a large umbrella shape under the word ‘non-binary’. “Non-binary simply means that someone does not fit completely into male or female - or even those sections at all. The other labels narrow it down.”

“Oh.” Janus looked back up at the list. “Like Bigender is two, like bicycle?”

“Exactly.” Logan beamed. “I’m no expert - I went to school for plants for goodness sakes, but I’ve done my fair share of research.” Janus’s eyes widened.

“Are you non-binary?”

“I don’t believe so.” Logan shook his head. Janus’s shoulders fell a bit. “A few years ago, I was exploring that a bit, but nothing felt better than the identity I’ve had since I was born. That’s not always the case.”

“Oh.” Janus looked down at the simple diagram, then up at the list. “What does ‘Demigender’ mean?”

“Ah,” Logan adjusted his glasses. “That one is lesser-known. Demi is a prefix meaning ‘partly’. A Demi boy, for example, feels as if they are partly a boy or a boy sometimes, sort of like genderfluid but more specific.”

“Oh.” Janus ran the words around inside his head, nodding. “Okay. Thanks, Logan.” Logan smiled.

“It’s no problem. What else did you want to look up while we were here?” Janus hesitated at the question, did he have anything else right now? Well, he did have something that wasn’t quite research.

“Can I watch more of Roman’s videos?” he asked, moving to kneel on the chair to see better. “He showed me one today, and it was awesome!” Logan laughed out loud at that, but nodded and pulled up youtube.

“I suppose you can. Just stay on Roman’s videos, alright? I don’t trust what everyone posts and we should talk before you watch something new.”

“Sure.” Janus accepted the headphones he offered and slipped them on, clicking on a random video from Roman’s channel.

“Roman and I will be making dinner, then.” Logan laughed, getting up from his own chair and squeezing Janus’s shoulder gently. Janus nodded, mind already absorbed in the way Roman was talking about his cosplay - which Janus had figured out was just like dressing up for Halloween, but very specifically and just for fun.

He’d made his way through three of Roman’s tutorials, and one of his music videos, before he heard it.

At first, Janus thought it was still part of the video - but the screen faded to black and the singing was muffled. He pulled the headphones off, surprised to hear the same voice he just had from the computer, coming from the kitchen.

Realistically, Janus knew that Roman had been the one singing in the video. But that was in a video. He put the headphones down, softly padding to the doorway to look across into the kitchen.

Roman was singing, switching easily between English and Spanish and he and Logan were dancing slowly. Logan was smiling, that smile that Janus knew was rare and only meant for someone Logan really cared about.

Something about watching them made everything else seem… different. Less important. Janus slowly sat on the floor, not moving closer to the kitchen, even though they fell out of sight every now and then behind a wall.

He didn’t remember a lot of things about his birth parents - but he did remember dancing.

Years ago, when he was three or four years old, his parents had loved him. They’d loved each other, and they’d loved him. Janus remembered once, sitting on the couch in their tiny apartment, watching them dance to music the way Logan and Roman were dancing now.

Neither of them could sing, though Janus’s mother had hummed him to sleep most nights, and so they turned on the radio and danced for hours after they thought he’d fallen asleep watching movies. He never had, though, faking sleep in order to watch them dance and smile like that.

It seemed so long ago, now. Like a scene from a movie that he’d forgotten, and had just seen again without warning. Janus almost didn’t believe that he’d been the kid sitting on a couch - unafraid to doze off and sleep - watching two adults smile at each other like that. And now, here he was again. Roman’s song broke off into his loud, booming laugh when Logan tripped and they stumbled, almost falling. Janus tensed when it happened, but Logan caught them both, and they laughed softly.

Roman leaned up to kiss Logan, then turned to the oven and opened it, looking inside.

“Just about finished,” he said breathlessly - and the moment was over.

Like a spell was broken, the peace fled from Janus’s chest and it tightened sadly like his parents had left him all over again. 

He quietly stood and made his way back to the computer, putting the headphones on, but not selecting a video.

He liked to hear Roman sing - they way he’d been singing to Logan. In his videos, it was different. Too perfect. Like a recording, which is what it was. With Logan, he’d laughed during parts, or messed up words and redid them, and had faded off to humming during the chorus. 

“Janus, time for dinner.” Logan walked in, ruffling his hair. Janus forced a smile, sliding off the chair yet again. “How were the videos?”

“Awesome!” Janus beamed, happy for a distraction. “Roman can look like so many things, it’s crazy!” 

“He’s talented alright.” Logan agreed as they went to the kitchen, where Roman was pulling plates from the cupboard.

“Talking about me?” Roman beamed.

“You’re too conceited.” Logan scoffed. Roman just laughed again, winking at Janus.

“What does conceited mean?” Janus asked, going to get silverware.

“It means Roman likes himself too much,” Logan said, laughing softly. “But I was just joking, anyway. It's good to like yourself.”

“Okay.” Janus wasn’t sure what else to say. That thought had never occurred to him before. Like himself? How was he supposed to like himself when he didn’t even know how to be himself? Or, the himself people wanted him to be.

“I made our favorite!” Roman said grandly, putting plates of his enchiladas on the table. Janus smiled when he saw them, remembering Logan’s story about Roman at the bus stop, in the rain. Roman was good, he decided then. Roman was a very good person.

* * *

“Logan.” Logan looked up, surprised to see Virgil walking up behind him. He straightened, wiping sweat from his forehead.

“Patton is inside,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “He-”

“I know.” Virgil sighed, looking to the ground. “I need to talk to you.” 

Logan turned off the hose he was holding, setting it aside warily. They hadn’t really spoken to Virgil much since the morning after Janus ran away, and he knew Roman still didn’t plan on it. But something in Virgil’s voice made Logan want to listen.

“What is it?”

“We…” Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I’m sorry, Logan. I know, I’m an asshole. And I know Roman’s still pissed off at me, but I need to tell you something.”

“Alright…” Logan felt worry start to creep into his mind. “What’s going on, Virgil?”

“It’s about Janus,” Virgil said softly. Logan sighed. “Just… listen, okay?”

“I’ll listen.” Logan decided. What could Virgil possibly need to tell him? He’d barely even spoken to Janus since learning he pushed Thomas down the stairs years ago - and Logan knew that Janus had noticed his hostility.

“After we met Janus, the first time, we.. we asked Thomas if there was anything else he hadn’t told us about Ms. Bean, and the orphanage.” Virgil finally muttered, taking a deep breath. Logan raised an eyebrow. “And he got… really quiet. Like, you think you know how loud he gets? You haven’t seen him at home with just me and Patton. He’ll talk about anything for hours.” Virgil was fidgeting, running a hand through his hair and pinching his fingers together.

“He wouldn’t say anything,” Virgil whispered, and Logan was shocked to notice he was close to tears. “And after a few minutes, he just shook his head and walked away, and he wouldn’t talk about Ms. Bean or anything to do with that.”

“Alright…”

“But,” Virgil sighed, looking up at Logan, at last, a deep unsettled pain in his eyes. “Last night he came and talked to Patton and me, and he said… god, he said that she - that…”

“Hag.” Logan supplied, and Virgil laughed, half crying.

“She was awful, Logan. Not to Thomas - he insisted she never hurt him - but Janus…” Logan’s eyebrows furrowed, and he glanced toward the trees hiding the house from view - where Janus had decided to stay once more to help Roman.

“What about Janus?”

“Thomas hates saying mean things.” Virgil sighed. “And he was so upset, Logan. Just repeating things that happened, or that he was told, or that she said to him. This woman… god, she was determined to make Janus some kind of outcast. Thomas is only ten, Logan, and he was only eight when he left. But he knew exactly what she was doing, and… that’s why he never said anything about the stairs. Or Janus, at all. Because he knew it would only give her more reason to keep him from being happy.”

“What?” Logan’s heart had broken many times since he met Janus - but this was ridiculous. On top of everything that had happened, the person meant to take care of Janus had gone that far? He’d known she was awful, and that she didn’t care for him, but to actively abuse him?

“I don’t know, Logan.” Virgil sighed. “Maybe it's gotten magnified as he remembered it, or maybe it hasn’t. Thomas seemed so sure, so positive that he knew what happened. And I know I’ve screwed things up already, with Janus, just because I jumped to conclusions, but I really thought I should tell you.”

“I appreciate that,” Logan said softly, taking a deep breath, eyes closed. He’d known there was a lot they didn’t know about Janus. Things Janus refused to share, or things missing from his file. He’d known this would be hard, especially learning more. “How is Thomas, by the way?”

“He’s okay,” Virgil mumbled softly. “He was pretty upset - probably still is - but he’s gonna be okay. We’ve got Dr. Pic working with him, and he seemed glad once he told us.” Logan nodded, rubbing his forehead.

“Well, thank you.”

“I really am sorry for being a dick,” Virgil said again. Logan nodded. “Roman’s still pissed, right?”

“Yes,” Logan answered honestly. “I’m not quite over it myself, but I believe your heart is in the right place. I know you get anxious.” Virgil seemed relieved, but Logan held up a hand. “However, I also know you decided not to like Janus as soon as you learned about him and Thomas. They were children, Virgil. They still are children. And Thomas has long since forgiven this.”

“I-”

“I just need to think, Virgil.” Logan picked up the hose again, shaking his head. “I know you’re doing your best - but I think you should take a step back and think about things before trying to talk to Roman. He is much angrier than I am - and you know why.”

“Right.” Virgil’s voice was soft again, and he turned away.

“Virgil,” Logan added quickly, remembering. Virgil turned, eyebrows raised. “Ms. Bean was sued for emotional abuse to the children. She’s been fired. I thought I should tell you.”

Virgil nodded, a smile crossing his face.

“I appreciate that.”

And he walked back to the store, and Logan watched him go. Half of Logan’s mind still on the tension between them and their friends, and half of it on Janus - whose childhood up till now had been nonexistent. 

Just as he had, years earlier upon learning Roman’s past, Logan ached to change it. He longed for a way to go back in time, find a way to save every person who had ever been harmed by a loved one - something Logan had never thought to imagine until meeting his husband. But he couldn't, and it might just drive him insane. All he could do was work through the past in the present - no matter how much he wanted to change it.

* * *

“...Roman?” Roman looked up from his papers, surprised to see Janus standing in the doorway to his office, already clad in bright yellow pajamas. The boy hid slightly behind the doorframe, fingers tapping it anxiously.

“What are you doing up, Mi Tesoro?” he laughed, setting the papers aside. “I thought you were asleep.” Janus bit his lip. “It’s alright, what’s the matter?” Roman added quickly - not wanting to come off as angry.

“I can’t sleep,” Janus said softly, face reddening with every word. “And I… I was… I was wondering if you know any…” his voice trailed away to a soft mumble, and Roman missed the last part of his question. He frowned, moving to crouch before the small boy.

“Janus?”

“If you would sing for me,” Janus said, voice barely discernible, as he seemed terrified to ask this question. Roman’s heart broke at the look on his face, but he smiled anyway.

“Of course I will!” he held out his arms, and Janus stepped into them, burying his face in Roman’s t-shirt. “Want me to sing you to sleep, or just a song?”

“To sleep,” Janus said softly. “My…I can’t sleep.” his voice caught, and Roman knew he deliberately redirected the sentence away from what was on his mind. But he nodded anyway, stepping back so they could head to Janus’s room.

“I’ll do my best,” he promised, heart soaring as Janus gripped his hand silently, following him up the stairs.

Once in the room, Janus let go and hurried to the bed, burying himself under the blankets. Roman chuckled, smoothing them out, and took a deep breath.

“What kind of song?”

“Any song,” Janus said, seeming more confident now that he was under the covers. Then he hesitated, glancing at Roman. Roman raised an eyebrow. “Or… the one you sang to Logan.”

“Wh- sang to Logan?” Roman laughed. “What do you mean?”

“Yesterday, in the kitchen,” Janus explained softly, propping his hands behind his head. Oh. Roman chuckled. Of course, Janus must have heard that. It was a song he was writing - and hadn’t perfected quite yet. But he wasn’t going to say no. Roman sat on the desk chair, clearing his throat.

He started off by humming, reminding himself of the tune, and softly beginning the song. He didn’t look at Janus for a few moments - knowing how much the boy hated to be stared at. But when he did, he found that Janus was already drifting off to sleep, a small smile on his face that Roman had never, ever seen before. 

He’d seen Janus’s loud smile when he was excited. And he’d seen his fake smile when he knew he was supposed to be happy. And he’d seen so many variations of those, but this was different. It graced his face gently, the scar on his face that Roman hardly ever noticed seeming to grow more prominent. He just seemed so comfortable, Roman never wanted to stop singing.

Soon enough though, Janus was asleep. The smile stayed, a little smaller, but there, as he slipped deeper into dreamland. Roman let his voice continue for a few more minutes, worried he’d wake Janus up if he stopped. Eventually, he let it fade away, growing aware of Logan standing in the doorway, listening.

Roman stood up gingerly, making his way across to the door and leaving it open just a crack, joining Logan in the hallway.

“Your voice is, as always, magnificent,” Logan informed him, smiling - though Roman noted it was forced. He cleared his throat, smiling sheepishly as they went down to the kitchen.

“He couldn't sleep,” Roman explained. “And he heard me singing to you yesterday before dinner - god, he was so adorable, Logan. Did you see his cute little smile, in his sleep?”

“Yes.” Logan wrapped Roman in a hug, burying his face in Roman’s shoulder. Roman held him tightly, knowing exactly why Logan felt so upset.

Roman - for all his weaknesses, and flaws, and consequences of childhood trauma - had grown somewhat used to the awful range of human emotion and reactions to stress. 

Logan - raised with perfect parents, perfect siblings, perfect everything - had always had a much harder time dealing with things he learned.

“It’s alright, mi amor,” Roman promised softly. “We’ve got him now, and he’ll be alright.”

“I know.” Logan sighed, sniffling slightly. “Virgil came to the nursery, today.”

“Oh.” Roman didn’t know how to feel about that. The thought of Virgil judging Janus so easily - so similarly to the way Roman had been - and saying it to Roman’s face when he knew, made him angrier than he cared to express. 

“I know.” Logan sighed. “I told him we’ll have to work through that. But he didn’t come to talk about that - not really. He came because of something Thomas said.”

“What now?” Roman asked, bracing himself to hear more about Janus’s ‘violent tendencies’.

“Janus is so hurt.” Logan choked out, on the verge of tears. Roman hugged him a bit tighter. “Thomas never told them what Ms. Bean did, until now. I don’t… she hurt them, Roman. She hurt the kids - she hurt Janus - for no reason.”

“What?” Roman reeled back in shock - that had not been what he’d expected. 

“She wanted him in pain, and that’s why he’s had such a hard time finding a place. That’s probably why he ever went to live with his uncle in the first place, and it’s why his records weren’t complete until she was gone.” Logan said miserably. “Hell, they may not even be complete now - we don’t know what she did to him.”

“God,” Roman shook his head, eyes closed. “Logan - it’s… we’re okay. Things will be hard, but we’ll try to make it better. Things… they have to get better.” Roman’s voice broke, and he wasn’t sure if he even believed what he was saying himself.

Why had Janus’s life been so incredibly awful? He had never done a thing to deserve it, and yet he was hurt by those supposed to be keeping him safe.

Roman felt sick as he wondered exactly how scared the boy had been, asking for something as simple as a lullaby. 

“He’s so brave,” Roman whispered, burying his face in Logan’s chest.

They stood there for quite a while, in the dark kitchen, just holding each other. Both wondering how on earth they were supposed to make things right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bad person
> 
> Love you all!  
> -Coby


	9. Never Leave You All Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: PTSD, Panic attack, food mentions, anxiety, fear of abandonment, mentions of abuse, mentions of neglect, car crash, death mention, injury mention, angst.

When Janus woke up, he was confused. He always remembered at least one of the nightmares - and he always had nightmares. But he hadn’t. An experimental pinch to his arm and a look at the clock told him that, yes, he’d really slept all night without having a horrific dream. 

He had no idea what to think. What could be different? This was the same bed he’d been sleeping in for over a month, and the nightmares had never stopped before. 

Janus slipped out of bed, rubbing his eyes as he crossed to his dresser.

Had he started drinking warm milk before bed again? No… Logan was lactose intolerant, wasn’t he? And Janus was sure he hadn’t asked either of them for something like a glass of warm milk. It was still too soon - he didn’t want to seem… needy.

So what was it?

Janus pulled on a t-shirt, trying to remember the previous evening. It was hard - he didn’t have a great memory for things like that - and he hummed to himself to try and focus.

Janus froze, repeating the tune to himself.

That’s right.

Roman had sung to him last night, hadn’t he? He’d gone and asked Roman to sing, and he’d almost told Roman about his birth parents. He’d dreamt of Roman and Logan’s dancing, and he hadn’t had a nightmare.

No.

Janus shook his head.

No way.

He must have just forgotten the nightmare. He had to have had a nightmare. There was no way that Roman’s singing helped him that much. There was no way that something connected to…  _ them  _ could ever be used to describe Logan and Roman.

Janus hurriedly finished getting dressed, then combed his hair and shook the panicked thoughts away.

He’d had a nightmare.

He’d had to have had a nightmare.

The house was quiet. Janus frowned when he poked his head into the kitchen, finding it empty. Weird - Roman and Logan were usually in the kitchen when he woke up. Maybe he’d slept late - Logan was at the nursery and Roman was in his office.

Janus hurried down the hall, only to find Roman’s office was empty as well.

Panic started to rise up in Janus’s chest, and he re-checked the living room and kitchen before going upstairs and looking into the other bedroom.

Empty.

It was empty.

They were gone.

“No…” Janus closed the door, clamping his eyes shut. “No, they wouldn’t.” His voice was leaving again, his throat closing up in fear. They had to be somewhere. One of them had to be somewhere. He hurried down the stairs, heart-pounding, and frantically checked every room again.

No Roman.

No Logan.

They were gone.

Janus pressed a hand over his mouth, mind racing. They’d left him. They’d left him alone just like his parents had. Just like his uncle had. He couldn't believe it - they were different. They had to be different. They would never leave him alone. They couldn't.

“Please…” Janus choked out, turning and darting to the front door. He’d check the driveway. If they’d left, the car would be gone. They couldn't get too far without the car.

Janus ripped open the door, only to freeze when two heads turned to look at him.

“Up already, mi Tesoro?” Roman grinned. “It’s only six- Janus?”

Janus held back a sob, launching himself at Roman and hugging him around the waist. He was solid. Real. No dreams, no imaginations. He was here and he hadn’t left.

“Janus, it’s alright.” Roman gently put a hand on Janus’s back, rubbing circles. “Breathe for me, Hijo. There you are…”

“I-I didn’t know where you were.” Janus choked out despite himself. Roman knelt down, wrapping him in a gentle hug. Janus kept his eyes closed, not wanting to look at either of them. “I thought you left me - everyone always leaves me. I’m sorry… I was scared and I didn’t… I didn’t want…”

“Oh, we would never leave you.” Roman’s arms tightened slightly around him. “Never, Janus. You’re so important to us.”

“R-really?” Janus opened his eyes, meeting Logan’s gentle gaze from where the man stood a few feet away.

“So incredibly important,” Logan confirmed, adjusting his glasses slightly. “We’re still here, Janus. We aren’t like everyone else.”

“Oh…” Janus’s chest filled with guilt as he realized what he’d done. “Oh no…”

“Janus?” Roman asked worriedly as Janus started to sob again.

He didn’t want Roman and Logan to be like his parents. He’d just decided that this morning, and then he’d turned around and acted like they were the same people. Even though they’d never left Janus by himself longer than an hour or so, much less the days at a time like his parents would. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to!” Janus choked out, holding onto Roman tighter than ever. 

He hated this. He wanted to… he wanted Logan and Roman to be his real parents. But not like his birth parents. He wanted to call Roman ‘dad’ and Logan ‘pop’ and have them call him their son - but what would they think? They weren’t like Janus’s parents. That was the whole point.

“It’s perfectly alright.” Logan’s voice was as soothing as ever. “You woke earlier than usual and didn’t expect us to be outside. There was no reason for you to assume we were. Your experiences in life were reason enough to assume that we were gone, there is no reason to apologize.”

“But-”

“We’re all right here,” Roman promised. “Everything’s alright, Janus. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Yes, I have!”

“Mi Tesoro-”

“Listen to me!” Janus pulled away from Roman’s embrace, burying his face in his hands. 

“Janus, what-”

“I… I thought you were like them!” Janus sobbed. “They used to love me too, you know! They didn’t always leave me alone, and… and forget about me, and hit me! They would dance after dinner and my mom would hum songs for me to sleep! But you’re not like them!” Janus lifted his head, furious at himself. Roman and Logan stared at him. “You can’t be! I… I won’t… I won’t let you be like them!” 

“Okay…”

“You… you’re the first parents I actually like.” Janus’s shoulders fell and he sighed miserably. “Except them… I used to like them. I haven’t liked parents for a long time… I don’t want you to be the same…”

“Alright.” Janus looked up to see that Logan had taken Roman’s place, and now gently put his hands on Janus’s shoulders. “That’s alright, Janus. We would never leave you and never hurt you. If we do something you do not like, you can tell us. We want you to be happy.” Janus nodded, trying his best to take a few deep breaths.

“You… won’t leave me.” he clarified softly, mind spinning. They hadn’t. They’d been here. Both of them were saying they would never leave him alone like that.

“We won’t leave you,” Logan confirmed. 

And it occurred to Janus then that he believed it. He trusted Logan. He trusted Roman, too. They wouldn’t lie to him. The realization felt like a suffocating blanket had been pulled from around him, and he could finally breathe.

“Then I won’t leave you guys either.” Janus sighed, burying his face in Logan’s stomach, hugging him tightly. He closed his eyes, a deep content settling in as Logan returned the embrace. “I love you.”

* * *

Logan Prince was not a generally emotional man. However, there was no denying that today was a day where it was allowed for him to get choked up. The twelve-year-old boy who - for nearly two months - had struggled to even accept that he was even wanted, had suddenly turned some kind of corner.

Of course, Logan knew from experience that Janus would feel insecure again. Probably soon. That, of all the problems Janus had, was something Logan knew how to deal with. Roman had been the same way, and sometimes he still was, though it wasn’t often. That didn’t change what had happened - the way Janus finally seemed to believe them that he was loved unconditionally. The way Janus had told them he loved them in return.

“What one is your favorite?” Janus asked now, drawing Logan from his thoughts. He and Roman were seated around the coffee table, looking at Roman’s movie collection. Logan adjusted his glasses, leaning forward from his seat on the couch.

“I’m quite fond of educational films - but as for fiction, I’d probably choose Big Hero 6.” he murmured, voice still husky from the emotional morning. The events had caused Roman to declare a family movie day, and the name including family had made Janus sit up a bit straighter - to Logan’s amusement. 

“What one is that?”

“This!” Roman brandished the DVD case, handing it gently to Janus. “It’s about… well, it’s about a boy and a robot, searching for a villain who caused the boys brothers death.”

“Oh.” Janus looked at the cover for a moment. “Logan doesn’t like the prince movies as much as you do, then?” Roman laughed, and Logan flushed slightly.

“I perfectly enjoy them,” he protested. “You asked for my favorite, so I told you.”

“I’m not upset!” Janus’s eyes widened. “I was just talking - I’m sorry. They’re probably all good, Logan…”

“Ah, it’s okay.” Roman ruffled Janus’s hair. Logan smiled fondly at the two of them. “I tease Logan all the time - you’re allowed to as well.”

“You’re also allowed to make fun of Roman, in that case,” Logan smirked. Roman rolled his eyes.

“You’re the one that went to college for flowers.”

“Plants,” Logan said, rolling his eyes. “Agriculture. There is so much more to it than flowers- why do I even try? Why do I even try?”

“And trees!” Janus’s face lit up. “Right? We’ve still gotta pick a tree!”

“Yes.” Logan chuckled, smiling despite himself. He’d been smiling much more recently - after Janus entered his life. “Before the school year starts, I want you to help plant it.”

“Ugh, school.” Janus made a face.

“School isn’t that bad.” Logan protested lightly.

“Yeah, and you’re very smart mi, Tesoro.” Roman kissed Janus’s forehead. 

He’d been very ‘touchy-feely’ today. Logan made a note to hug Roman for at least three minutes when they had time.

“Are you two going to decide on a movie,” Logan finally laughed. “Or is this movie night going to become an organization night?”

“You’d like that.” Roman quipped, turning back to the coffee table.

“I’d also like a movie,” Logan muttered.

“Do you have any favorites?” Roman asked, looking to Janus. “I know you haven’t watched many before you came here, but you’ve got to have seen some.”

Janus was quiet for a moment before speaking.

“There’s this show…” he hesitated, glancing at Logan. Logan’s heart melted and he nodded gently. “About a girl and I guess she was a princess or whatever. She lost her memories, and had to go to Paris?”

“Anastasia!” Roman dove for another box, pulling the movie out with a cheer.

“I watched it a long time ago,” Janus shrugged in his self-conscious way. “I’m not sure. There was a creepy guy with a bat, though. The animal kind, not the baseball kind.”

“That’s the one!” Roman pumped a fist, walking on his knees over to the television. 

Logan smiled, moving to put the rest of the movies back in their respective places. Janus helped, humming a faintly familiar tune as he did so. Logan glanced at him, running it through his mind before placing it. The song Roman had been writing - the one he sang Janus to sleep with the night before. Janus glanced up and saw Logan watching, and Logan regretted it as soon as the humming stopped, and Janus ducked his head.

“Logan, popcorn!” Roman commanded playfully, kissing Logan’s cheek before darting to the lights.

“Alright, alright.” Logan rolled his eyes, getting up and going to the kitchen. 

He found a pack of microwave popcorn in the pantry and started popping it, then frowned when his phone buzzed from the counter. Both he and Roman had put them there for the night - as was their rule for movie nights.

But, the movie hadn’t quite started yet. And it was a phone call from Virgil. He’d been respectively distant recently, so he wouldn’t be calling unless it was important. Logan adjusted his glasses, picking it up.

“Hello?”

“Logan, oh god.” Virgil’s voice was choked, and Logan could tell he was panicking. “I’m so- I know you don’t want to hear from me, or Patton, but I need - oh god, Patton -”

“Breathe for me.” Logan straightened, an uneasy feeling creeping into his mind. “What happened? Just the facts, Virgil. Distance yourself.”

“I can’t!” Virgil sobbed. “There was an accident, Logan. P-Patton… his parents they… on the way back from the nursery…”

“Oh.” the unease changed to dread and Logan grabbed the counter. “Okay. what do you need from me?”

“I… I hate to do this.” Virgil stammered. “It’s still rocky with you, and it’s still awful with Roman, but Thomas…”

“Ah.”

“He can’t see Pat like this.” Virgil managed. “And Pat’s parents can’t watch him, cuz… god, Logan. Lauren’s gone. David’s in critical condition and Pat… I don’t even know…”

“We can watch him,” Logan said firmly. “Where is he?”

“He… he’s in the living room - I can’t go to Patton until I have…”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” Logan promised, turning to find himself face to face with Roman, shadowed by Janus. Guilt twinged at his mind.

“What happened?” Roman asked softly.

“An accident,” Logan said shortly as Virgil hung up. “Would you two be opposed to letting Thomas join the movie night?”

“Thomas?” Janus’s face brightened slightly from his worried frown. Logan was mainly watching Roman, though. He had not forgiven Virgil for what happened yet.

“Of course.” Roman smiled, and Logan knew it was genuine. It made sense. Roman of all people knew the difference between children and their parents.

“I’ll be right back.” Logan grabbed his keys, stuffed his feet into his shoes, and pressed a kiss to Roman’s lips. “Popcorn is almost done.” Roman nodded, and Logan hurried out - mind spinning.

He was still unhappy with Virgil’s outburst, but he’d come to terms with it. That had nothing to do with Patton or Thomas, however. And the news that Patton’s mother had passed was… troubling. Everyone knew how close Patton was to his mother.

“Logan, I’m so-” Logan silenced Virgil with a hug as soon as the door opened. He looked over his friend’s shoulder and saw ten-year-old Thomas in the hallway, already wearing a light jacket and his backpack.

“You do not need to apologize,” Logan said firmly. “Do you need a ride to the hospital?”

“I called a lyft,” Virgil whispered. “I can’t drive like this, and I can’t… you two go. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t want to.” Thomas murmured unhappily, but he walked around to join Logan anyway. “I want… to help.”

“Thomas, please-”

“You know your dad gets worried easily?” Logan asked, looking at Thomas. Thomas nodded. “Especially about people he cares for. Like you, and Patton.”

“Yes.”

“Well, he’ll be less worried if he knows where you are. And that you’ll have a bed and movies and food.” Logan said gently. Virgil buried his face in his hands. “Will you help him, and come stay at my house?”

“...okay.” Thomas nodded. He obviously didn’t like it, but he did seem more subdued than Logan had ever seen him. The boy hugged Virgil tightly, then turned and walked toward Logan’s waiting car.

“What… god, Logan… I can’t live without him. What if…”

“Five things.” Logan soothed, hands on Virgil’s shoulders. “Tell me five things you see.”

Virgil nodded, and Logan slowly took him through the exercise. By the time Logan departed with Thomas, he was considerably more grounded. But not much calmer.

The ride was silent for a few minutes.

This was worrying - Thomas was rarely silent. Virgil had mentioned the day before that he was subdued because of Janus, but this was… it made Logan uneasy all over again.

“Dad’s gonna be okay.” Thomas finally said, voice softer than Logan had ever heard it. “They both are. Dad’s gonna be calm, and daddy’s gonna be okay.” Logan wasn’t sure how to respond, but it seemed he didn’t need to. Because Thomas had hardly gotten the words out before starting to cry - nearly silently.

Logan didn’t believe in god, but he just might have prayed silently on that car drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not feeling great today cuz of stress but I hope you enjoyed the chapter!   
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	10. Until The Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I've been so /Tired/ this week and I dunno whyyyyyy RIP
> 
> Sorry for the late update!
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, anxiety, car crash, death mention, injury mention, hospitals, mentions of neglect, angst

“Did I tell you about the time,” Janus spoke softly, looking over at Thomas. “When I ran away and went on a quest with Indiana jones?” Thomas shook his head, silent. Logan and Roman exchanged glances in the front seat, and Janus idly realized they weren’t aware of this game. Ah, well he’d explain it later. Right now, Thomas needed a distraction.

“It was probably three years ago,” he fabricated lightly. “I hid in a man’s suitcase at an airport. It turns out he was Indiana Jones, and he was on a quest to South America to find a magical artifact.”

“What artifact?” Thomas asked softly, still staring ahead at the back of Logan’s seat.

“Oh, um,” Janus thought wildly for a moment. “It was a statue of a snake.” Thomas made a soft sound of acknowledgment, and Janus smiled. “Legend says that when the moon is 3/4ths full, and a shed snakeskin makes contact with the statue, it comes to life.”

“Gross.” 

“That’s not the grossest thing.” Janus grinned. “We had to wade through swamps, and there were flies and frogs, and leeches!” Thomas grimaced, though his eyes were still blankly staring ahead. But at least he was listening.

“The statue was in a secret cave guarded by… uh… marmosets.” Janus turned in his seat slightly, wishing Thomas would at least look at him. He understood why he wasn’t, of course, but it was still awful to see his friend like this. “But the secret was that marmosets are afraid of people with blonde hair. So I went first, and protected Indiana Jones from getting his eyes mauled out.”

“That’s… graphic, Hijo.” Roman laughed nervously.

“Oh, sorry.” Janus winced, remembering the man’s distaste for that. “Anyway, we got the artifact and brought it back to the states. It’s in a museum now, where everyone can see it. Then I got picked up by a police officer, and sent back to Ms. Bean.”

“Well,” Thomas finally tore his gaze from the seat and looked at Janus, timidly biting his lip. “Did I tell you about the time my foster parents were teachers at Hogwarts? I got to live there until it didn’t work out. Cuz I’m not a wizard.” he added, biting on a fingernail.

“Not yet.” Janus grinned, relieved that he’d finally gotten Thomas to join in. “what was it like?”

“It was awesome.” Thomas murmured. “It was a while ago, so I don’t remember a lot. But my parents were the charms teacher and the herbology teacher. That’s why I liked playing at the nursery so much when Patton’s…”

Thomas’s face crumpled and Janus winced. 

“We’re here,” Logan said gently as the car came to a stop. 

Thank goodness - Janus didn’t know what he’d do for another minute. Thomas scrambled out of the car, waiting impatiently for the rest of them. Janus tried to hurry for his sake, taking his hand as they had years ago on visitation days.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Thomas whispered to himself. Janus nodded absently - Thomas didn’t want him to respond. “Dad’s gonna be here and Daddy’ll be okay.”

By the time they reached Patton’s hospital room, Thomas was crying again. He grabbed Janus in a hug and buried his face in Janus’s chest, shaking his head.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” he chanted softly, shoulders shaking. Janus looked up at Logan and Roman, who both seemed to be at as much of a loss as he was.

Janus knew how upsetting this must be. Thomas’s biological parents had died when he was four - landing him in the foster system. They’d died in a car crash. This was… too similar. Janus swallowed thickly, returning Thomas’s hug.

The door opened, and Janus winced when he saw Virgil in the doorway, looking exhausted. Virgil. Right, Virgil didn’t like him. But he couldn't just push Thomas away, not when he was like this.

“Thomas.” Roman knelt, gently touching Thomas’s shoulder. “Your dad’s here, you wanna see him?” Thomas froze for just a moment, then whirled around and flung himself into Virgil’s arms. Janus stumbled but smiled in relief. He hadn’t frozen completely. That was good.

“It’s okay.” Virgil murmured. “Patton’s alright, Thomas. He’ll be okay. You wanna see him? He’s awake, buddy. He’s alright.”

Oh.

Janus’s shoulders sagged in relief and he hugged himself, only for Logan to wrap one arm around his shoulders. Oh, that was so much better than hugging himself. Thomas and Virgil disappeared into the room, and Logan guided them over to a row of chairs against the wall, where Roman had already slumped into one.

“Thomas…” Janus lowered his voice, avoiding their eyes. “He doesn’t do well with car accidents.”

“It’s alright,” Logan said. “He is allowed to react.”

“We always make up stories when we need distractions.” Janus finished, flushing slightly. “I never actually hid in a suitcase.” Roman chuckled softly.

“Good to know.”

Janus leaned against Logan’s shoulder, chewing moodily on his lip. Thomas had stayed over for two nights because Patton hadn’t been stable until early this morning. Janus didn’t know all the details, but he knew he’d needed surgery of some kind. Just the idea made him feel queasy. Janus didn’t mind blood, but the idea of someone else doing things inside his body while it was cut open? No thank you.

Janus shuffled awkwardly, glancing over at Roman. Silence had never bothered him this much - but Roman was always talking about something. Now, though, he just seemed upset. Thoughts of the argument wiggled into Janus’s head. Was Roman still mad at Virgil? Janus wasn’t sure if he could believe that or not - and Roman had agreed to let Thomas stay with them.

“You’re…” Janus hesitated, thinking over Logan’s words before repeating them. “You’re allowed to react.”

A beat of silence followed and he wondered if he’d even spoken aloud.

“Wh-what?” Roman laughed, sitting up a bit straighter and looking over at him.

“Logan said it first.” Janus shrugged, looking at the floor. “And he’s usually right about things, so it makes sense. You’re allowed to react…” worry struck him and Janus bit his lip, wondering if he’d crossed a boundary. Roman sighed.

“Ah, you’re both too smart for me,” he muttered, then said a few sentences in Spanish. Janus recognized a few words, most prominently ‘Hijo’ because Roman called him that sometimes. He’d told Janus it meant something along the lines of 'son'. “The past is the past, though. We’re friends…” his voice trailed off into a bilingual muttering again, but Janus had a faint idea of what he must be talking about.

The same thing Janus had been thinking about.

It struck Janus that they didn’t know he’d overheard the argument.

“Apologies,” Logan spoke up softly, adjusting his glasses. “We neglected to bring your crossword book, Janus. There’s not much for you to do here.”

“That’s okay.” Janus sighed, biting the inside of his cheek.

He had so much he wanted to tell them. Stuff he wanted to say. He knew this wasn’t the time or place for it, and it was driving him nuts. Because it was never the time or place. He could never just bring up… anything. His uncle, his parents, Ms. Bean. It upset them, and it upset him, and it made things feel bad.

That’s not what was bothering him at the moment, however. What was bothering him was what Thomas had said the day before when he mentioned therapy.

Thomas went to a therapist.

“You alright?” Roman asked gently. “One of us could take you home - hospitals are never very fun.” Janus was fairly sure Roman also had a fear of hospitals at this point.

“I changed my mind about therapy.” he blurted, slumping down in his chair, arms crossed tightly. “Logan suggested it and I… I changed my mind. It can’t be so bad if Thomas likes it.”

“Oh.” Roman sounded surprised. Janus glanced over at him, then Logan. “Well, I’m certainly glad to hear that. It can be very helpful.”

“Are you sure?” Logan asked with a frown. “I know you had negative experiences in the past, and-”

“It’ll be fine.” Janus smiled mischievously. Logan raised an eyebrow. “Cuz you’re going too.” 

Roman snorted, putting a hand over his mouth. Logan’s mouth fell open slightly, and he blinked a few times in surprise.

“You said you just never got around to it, so we can both go and see if you like it.” Janus reasoned - though he’d already thought about it after Thomas fell asleep the night before. “And I won’t have to be scared, cuz you’ll be there.”

“That’s adorable,” Roman whispered. Logan elbowed him, but Janus could see him smiling.

“I suppose that’s reasonable.” Logan held out his hand and Janus shook it. 

“Now we’ll both be healthier.” he grinned.

“It’ll take a lot of therapy to get Logan into a healthy lifestyle.” Roman teased.

“Ah yes, I’m certainly not healthy enough now.” Logan rolled his eyes.

“Health is a construct anyway,” Janus said, trying his best to replicate the imitation Thomas had done of Virgil the night before. Roman laughed out loud that time, and Logan smiled appreciatively. “That wasn’t supposed to be funny. It was supposed to be edgy.”

“You’re teaching the kid well.” Janus’s head shot up when Virgil’s weary voice greeted them. He stood a few feet away, arms folded tightly like he was hugging himself.

“Ah, Virgil.” Logan stood up. “How is he?”

“He’ll live,” Virgil mumbled. “Gosh, that didn’t sound very optimistic. He’ll be okay. There weren’t any complications, he’ll just be off his feet for a week or so.”

“That’s good,” Roman said, though he hadn’t turned his head as Janus and Logan had. He was still looking toward Janus.

Yeah, he was still mad at Virgil.

“Look,” Virgil’s voice broke slightly. “Thank you, guys… I know things aren’t great between us, and it’s mostly my fault, but I don’t know what we would have done without you. There was no reason for you to help, and-”

“Ai…” Roman groaned loudly and rolled his eyes, muttering a few words in Spanish under his breath. He dramatically stood up, turning to face Virgil with his hands on his hips. “Of course we had a reason, hombre estupido, we’re friends! Amigos! Uh… Logan, how do you say friends in more languages? I only know two.”

“I know the same as you do.” Logan chuckled.

“Buddies!” Roman threw a hand in the air. Janus smiled, though he wasn’t sure what was about to happen. “We’re friends! And yeah, I’m a little ticked off at you still, but you’ve apologized, and everyone makes mistakes, and we’ll definitely talk about it when small ears aren’t present.”

“Roman-”

“And if I don’t stop talking I’ll start rambling,” Roman ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “But the point is, we will always be here for you. Whether you like it or not.” he paused. “But if you ever say something like that about anyone I care about again, I might be here for you and it won’t be for a good reason, so-”

“Roman!” Logan protested. Janus smiled, looking down at his knees.

“What?”

“The point is,” Virgil waved his hands, laughing lightly. “I appreciate it. We all do. You guys… you’re all great.” Janus glanced up only to freeze when Virgil met his eyes guiltily. “The key to sounding edgy,” he added. “Is to grimace while you talk.”

“Oh, great, just make him emo why don’t you?” Roman cried dramatically.

“It’s not his fault,” Janus said, doing his best to mimic Virgil’s dramatic scowl. “Society did this.”

“Good lord,” Roman clutched his chest. Janus smiled, noting Logan’s amused expression.

“Anyway, you guys wanna see Patton? If we leave him and Thomas alone long enough they’ll probably break out of the hospital.” Virgil gestured toward the door, meeting Janus’s eyes once again. This time, Janus smiled. And he was glad to note the relief that shone in Virgil’s eyes.

Maybe Virgil didn’t hate him, after all.

* * *

“I love you,” Roman mumbled, cuddling deeper into Logan’s chest. Logan laughed softly, running his hands through Roman’s hair. “I’m serious, don’t laugh.”

“I just thought it was funny,” Logan said. “Because I love you as well.”

“Thank god.” Roman smiled against Logan’s pajama shirt. “I’d still be a bumbling enchilada man without you.”

“So YouTuber was your backup career?” Logan chuckled, and this time Roman joined him.

“Yes. It was always my dream to walk around giving people enchiladas.” he nodded, arms snaking around Logan’s waist to try and pull them closer. Logan grunted slightly.

“Roman, whether you like it or not, we’re humans. We cannot fuse like the characters from Steven Universe.” 

“We can try.” Roman pouted. “Not hurting you, right?”

“No, I’m perfectly comfortable.” Logan kissed his head and Roman smiled again. “And while I am enjoying this greatly, I do want to talk with you. Will you be able to carry a conversation like this?” Roman scoffed.

“Of course. What’s on your mind, mi amor?”

“The past two nights have kept me from bringing it up,” Logan sighed, rubbing circles on Roman’s back. “But they’ve also given me more reason to discuss it. Do you remember what exactly Janus said when he asked you to sing to him?”

“Oh.” Roman opened his eyes, thinking back. The kid had been nervous - he always was. And Roman had noticed him redirect his words a few times. “He couldn't sleep, and he was about to say something else, but stopped himself and repeated the fact he couldn't sleep. Why?”

“He reminded me of you,” Logan said softly. Roman frowned, not sure what to say. So, he stayed silent. “When we first started dating. You were very closed off. More so than now.”

“Sorry.” Roman hugged Logan tighter.

“I don’t mind, I know you,” Logan promised. “You’re taking care of yourself now. I’m referring to your fear of intimacy, that first year or so. Any kind of close relationship. That’s Janus.”

“Of course it is.” Roman scowled. “He’s… they left him, Logan. They left him alone.”

“And they also danced.” Logan murmured. “And hummed him to sleep.” Roman nodded silently again. “Everything is connected, I’m afraid. And it took you quite a while to untangle your own web.”

“Yeah.” Roman sighed, finally rolling away and stretching. He already missed the warmth of his husband so close to him. “He’ll get there, Lo. Sooner than me. When I was twelve… I didn’t have anyone. I didn’t have anyone until I met you and Patton and Virgil. I aged out of the system, Janus won’t. He can still be a kid.” 

“That’s true.” Logan gently took Roman’s hand, wrapping their fingers together. “He was humming your song, to himself. He seemed to feel guilty when I noticed.”

“Yeah.” Roman rubbed his eyes. “It’s like… it’s like you said. Everything’s connected. He obviously likes music, but it reminds him of his parents, and he doesn’t like his parents. But it reminds him of us, and he likes us. He’s twelve. There’s not much space in Janus’s world to separate it all. Like… board games.” Roman grimaced. “I still can’t stand board games. They had so many board games in that waiting room. But I like playing board games with you. Does that mean you’re just like everyone else who played board games with me and inevitably rejected me? Obviously not. But that’s what this is with Janus. Therapy will help, and he’ll understand it more.”

“That is a good comparison,” Logan noted.

“And he’s made a lot of progress already,” Roman added. “Wish I could’ve met you when I was twelve, and adaptable.”

“You’ve made progress as well.” Logan protested, squeezing Roman’s hand.

“I hope so.” Roman laughed, looking over with a smile.

“But what can we do?” Logan finally asked helplessly. Roman sighed, the smile sliding from his face. “I would never want to remind Janus of someone he dislikes, but we know nearly nothing about anyone.”

“Ah, here you go again.” Roman sighed. “Feeling all bad about things you can’t change.”

“Roman-”

“I know.” Roman pressed a quick kiss to Logan’s lips. “We’ve just got to give him time. And you’ve been doing well already - just let him know he’s loved. That we’re here for him. The rest will, unfortunately, come with time.”

“You’re right, once again.” Logan sighed. “I went through all of this before, but it still…”

“You’re a good person.” Roman shrugged. “And that’s why I love you.”

“You get sappy when you’re sleep-deprived,” Logan complained, smiling. 

“I’m always happy.” Roman scoffed, cuddling back into Logan’s chest. “Now hush, you’re the one who keeps going off about healthy sleep cycles.” Logan chuckled.

“Goodnight, then.” Roman smushed his face into Logan’s chest before replying.

“Still love you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeeeeeeee  
> That's it. That's all I have to say.  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	11. How To Live Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newwwwww angsty chapter >:3
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, nightmare mention, food mention, implied past abuse, panic attack, selective mutism, past toxic therapist, and just general angst and feels
> 
> enjoy!

Janus gasped, eyes flying open. It took him a moment to understand where he was - but that only confused him more. He was in his bed, in his room, at Logan and Roman’s house. He was safe. He knew he was safe. He already felt better. He could use a hug, but he wasn’t terrified.

Yet he’d had a nightmare - one of the bad ones. He hadn’t had one of the bad ones since he first moved in.

He’d had a nightmare… but he wasn’t scared. He just wanted...

Janus sat up, rubbing his eyes as he looked at the clock. Oh, it was early. Really early. Despite that, he slipped out of bed and to the door, poking his head out. The house was dark - which made sense. He could hear snoring behind Roman and Logan’s door - but he wasn’t sure who it was.

Janus bit his lip, hand resting on the knob. A thrill of fear raced through him.

What was he doing? Was a hug really important enough to wake up Logan and Roman? What if they’d hate him?

No, Logan had promised they’d always love him. They’d never leave him.

That didn’t stop tears from welling up in Janus’s eyes when he knocked as lightly as possible on the door, tensing in preparation to be yelled at.

The snores came to an abrupt halt, and he heard one of them fumbling around. Then a pause, and he couldn't help but knock once more.

“Janus?” Roman opened the door, kneeling so he could see Janus’s face. “Mi Tesoro, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“I…” Janus looked away guiltily. “I just… had a nightmare.” it sounded stupid and his face flamed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have woken you up. I’ll go back to bed, I-”

“Hey now,” Roman put his hands on Janus’s shoulders and Janus looked up in surprise. “It’s okay. It’s okay that you woke me up. I want you to wake me up if you need me.”

“Wh- really?” Janus stared at him, tears fading as quickly as they’d come.

“Of course.” Roman smiled. “D’you wanna talk about it? Or d’you need a hug? Your wish is my command.” Janus couldn't help but giggle sleepily, stepping forward into Roman’s arms.

“I don’t wanna think about it,” he mumbled.

“Hug it is, then.” Roman held him tightly, humming softly. Janus’s heart ached at the similar memories, but he didn’t say anything. “Want to sleep with me and Lo? We can make room for a cuddle-buddy.”

“No.” Janus swallowed nervously, though he knew by now that Roman and Logan would never hurt him like that. “No, I can go to my room. I’m okay.”

“I’ll tuck you back in.” Roman kissed the top of his head, then stood up. Janus grabbed his hand, following him back to his room. “Do you want me to sing? Or tell you a story?”

Janus frowned, rubbing his eyes. He wanted Roman to sing, but he knew that would just make him think about his parents again. 

“Tell me…” Janus frowned thoughtfully, climbing back into his bed. “Tell me why you had enchiladas in the rain.”

“Really?” Roman laughed, pulling the desk chair over. “It’s a boring story. I know better ones.” Janus shook his head, grinning mischievously. Roman smiled. “Alright. Lay down, this is the story of the enchiladas. Only Logan knows this story.”

Janus pulled his blanket up, resting his hands on his stomach. Roman chuckled.

“Back in college, I made enchiladas every Friday.” Roman started. “And I brought them to various shelters and crisis centers - uh, do you know what those are?”

“Like homeless shelters,” Janus said softly, glancing over at him. “And… the place you go to if you hurt yourself. Right? Some of the big kids went to one.”

“Yeah.” Roman rubbed his eyes. “Anyway, my car wouldn’t start so I went to the bus stop. And I found Logan there - he’d had a really bad day. I gave him enchiladas, and he fell in love with me.”

“After he yelled at you.”

“Yes.” Roman laughed. “The end.”

Janus watched Roman stand up, stomach twisting. He didn’t want to be alone.

“Who taught you to make enchiladas?” he blurted out, sitting up. Roman looked at him, surprised.

“What?”

“You said they were a family recipe.” Janus shrugged, messing with his blanket. Roman sighed softly, sitting back down and rubbing his eyes. Janus bit his lip nervously. Was Roman okay?

“They’re a family recipe,” Roman said slowly. “Because they remind me of Logan, and you, and everyone I care about. I just like to joke about it, even though I taught myself how to make them when I was in college.”

“Oh.” Janus watched Roman anxiously. He seemed upset about something, but Janus couldn't imagine what. “Okay.” 

“You should sleep, Hijo.” Roman stood up again, kissing Janus’s forehead. Janus smiled, recalling what he’d learned that meant. “We’ll talk in the morning, yeah?”

“Okay.” Janus lay down, watching Roman go.

“Sweet dreams,” Roman said from the doorway. Janus closed his eyes, biting his lip for a moment before responding.

“Gnite, dad.”

Oh, man.

He hadn’t said that in years… but he’d wanted to for weeks. Roman didn’t say anything, but Janus heard his breaths change slightly before he closed the door. He wouldn’t be upset, right? After all, he called Janus his son a lot. Not in English, but that didn’t make it different, right?

Janus opened his eyes when he heard Roman’s muffled voice from down the hall. He couldn't make out any words, but he could tell that Roman was happy. Janus grinned, rolling over and burying his face in his pillow.

Hopefully, Logan wasn’t upset that he called Roman dad first.

* * *

Logan wasn’t sure about this. Sure, he’d agreed for Janus’s sake. And Roman had been on his back about therapy for a while. Now, though, it was an actual thing he had to do.

“If he’s not nice we can leave, right?” Janus asked, tugging on Logan’s hand. Logan glanced at him, pushing his own worries to the side.

“Of course,” Logan promised. “This is just the intake appointment, anyway.”

“What’s an… intake appointment?” Janus asked, opening the notebook he’d taken to carrying. Logan loved the way Janus was obsessed with words and their meanings.

“It’s just so you can get to know your therapist, and see if he’s right for you.” Logan adjusted his glasses. 

“Oh.” Janus frowned. “I’ve never done that before.”

“I’ll be here,” Logan promised. Janus smiled.

“Janus?” Logan looked over at the person speaking, standing in the doorway. “Oh, and you’re Logan, right?” the therapist lifted his sunglasses, walking over. “Hey, little man.”

“Hi.” Janus glanced at Logan. “This is Logan!” he tugged on Logan’s hand again and grinned. “He’s my dad.” Logan’s chest swelled, but he tried his best not to get choked up.

“Well, it’s great to meet you both. I’m Remy.” He turned, gesturing for them to follow. “Let’s get this pow-wow started.”

Logan wasn’t sure about this.

“So, tell me about you,” Remy said once they’d taken seats in his office. “What’s up with Janus Prince?” 

“Uhh…” Logan glanced down at Janus as he kicked his legs, staring at the floor. “I’m twelve-”

“Ah, I already know all that!” Remy waved a hand, leaning forward. “I’ll go first. I’m a man of many talents, including harmonica and kazoo. And I have a passion for coffee.”

“I can’t drink coffee,” Janus said. Logan laughed softly. “Logan does, though.”

“Well, it’s not very good for kids.” Remy shrugged. “What do you like to do, gurl?”

“Uh… I like watching Roman’s videos.” Janus said. “And learning words.”

“Ah, and who is Roman?” 

“He’s my other dad!” Janus rolled his eyes, and Logan would have chuckled if he wasn’t so focused on Remy’s reaction. They lived in a community that was generally accepting, but there was always the chance that someone would react poorly to their relationship.

“Oh, that’s right,” Remy turned and shuffled through some papers. “They adopted you recently, huh?”

“Yeah.” Janus’s voice softened and he looked back at the floor. “Well, they’re gonna. Once I’ve lived here for six months. That’s the law.”

“True.” Remy chuckled. Logan squeezed Janus’s hand and Janus looked up, smiling. It wasn’t his true smile, but it still made Logan’s heart light up. “Well, have you ever done therapy before, Janus?” 

“Kind of.” Janus shrugged half-heartedly. “But he wasn’t very nice.”

“Lucky for you, I’m super nice.” Remy winked. “So you know the basics, then? I’m a person you can talk to and I won’t tell anyone unless it’s three situations.” Logan watched Janus, whose face was a mask of surprise. “If someone’s hurting you, if you’re gonna hurt someone else, or if you’re gonna hurt yourself. Anything else, and it’s just between us.”

“That’s not what the other therapist said.” Janus protested. “This is supposed to make me better, right? It’s supposed to make me stop getting angry, and confused. It’s supposed to fix me.”

“You’re not broken,” Logan said softly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“I guess not…” Janus sighed, shoulders slumping.

“If you don’t think you’re broken, why’d you decide to come?” Remy asked. Logan’s head snapped up in surprise. “If that’s what you thought this was for, I mean.”

“...Thomas said he liked going to therapy.” Janus said softly - almost too quiet to hear. 

“And who is Thomas?”

“My best friend.” Janus glanced at Logan before continuing. “He was adopted, too. By some of Logan and Roman’s friends. We knew each other at the home, too.”

“Sounds good.” Remy smiled, leaning forward slightly. “Well, I’m not your old therapist. I’m Remy, and we can talk about anything at all.”

Logan watched, fascinated, as Janus’s face shifted from his baffled expression to one of pure delight.

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

“Let’s talk about what the best kind of tree would be.”

* * *

“Did I tell you about the time I met the Ninja Turtles?” Thomas asked from his seat on a branch above Janus’s head. Janus looked up, shaking his head. “It was awesome. I lived in the sewers with them for a few weeks, and they taught me how to be a ninja!”

“Yeah right.” Janus laughed, eyeing the tree nervously as Thomas continued upward. “How high are you gonna go?”

“Hm?” Thomas looked down, seeming surprised. “You’re not climbing? I thought you followed me. I can reach the top! Come on, you can see a bird nest I found.”

Janus hesitated, looking up at the tree anxiously. 

“How do I get up there?” he finally relented, grabbing the lowest branch.

“You never climbed a tree?” Thomas asked, eyes widening. He dropped down to a lower branch and Janus gasped, visions of his friend tumbling to the ground flashing through his head. “Awe, it’s not scary! I’ve done it tons of times! It’s fine!”

“Okay, okay.” Janus rolled his eyes. 

“Just pull yourself up, like this.” Thomas grabbed another branch and hauled himself up, looking back down at Janus with a lopsided grin.

“Got it.” Janus copied him, carefully making his way toward the branches Thomas was sitting on. He felt nervous and sick, but Thomas said it was fine. 

“Just a bit up here,” Thomas climbed higher, where the branches were thinner and Janus grimaced.

“Are you sure-” he glanced down and froze. He was… very high. He could fall and die or Thomas could get hurt and no one would know because they’d both fall and Roman and Logan would find them at dinnertime and they’d be upset and-

“Janus?” Janus looked over at Thomas, who had climbed back down to his level. “Are you okay?” 

Janus opened his mouth to speak but found that it wasn’t working again. Why did this always happen when he got scared? It was starting to get annoying. Instead, he just shook his head, grabbing the branches tightly.

“Okay…” Thomas bit his lip, looking toward the ground and then back at Janus. “You wanna get down? We can play something else.”

Janus nodded, swallowing to try and get his voice back. It didn’t work.

“Alright, just follow me and do what I do,” Thomas said cheerfully, carefully stepping onto lower branches. “It’s easy, just focus on where you’re stepping.” Janus watched him for a moment, then forced himself to follow, gasping every time he stepped further down.

And then he was on the ground.

Janus sighed in relief, sitting on the grass and burying his face in his hands.

“...Janus?” Thomas sat next to him, touching his shoulder. “You didn’t have to climb if you’re scared of heights.”

Janus frowned. Was he scared of heights? Apparently. Did Thomas feel bad? Janus glanced up, wincing at his friends' guilty expression. But his voice wouldn’t work to tell Thomas it was okay. Why wasn’t his voice working? It hadn’t stopped for this long in months! What if it never came back? What if he could never talk again? He liked talking! He wanted to talk to Thomas and Logan and Roman and Remy, and even Patton and Virgil.

“Janus, are you okay?” Thomas asked worriedly, voice rising an octave. 

Janus grimaced, but now his mouth wouldn’t even let him open it to try and talk. He just whimpered, burying his face in his arms. 

“I’m gonna go get your dad,” Thomas said, standing up.

Janus heard him walk away, but couldn't get himself to stand up and follow. He blinked back tears as he tried to get his voice to work. What was he going to do?

“He just won’t talk and he looks scared.” Thomas’s voice said as footsteps approached. “I never saw Janus scared before, and I didn’t know he was afraid of heights. I didn’t mean to make him upset, I promise!”

“It’s not your fault.” Logan’s voice soothed. Janus felt better hearing it, but he still couldn't talk. “Janus?” 

Logan gently lifted Janus’s chin so their eyes met. Janus stared at him, wishing he could explain what was going on. Logan looked so worried, and so did Thomas. He was making them upset, gosh, why was he like this? 

“Breath,” Logan said. “Just breathe, Janus. It’s alright. Let’s head back to the house. Dinner’s almost ready, anyway.”

Janus stood on trembling legs, gripping Logan’s hand like a lifeline. He took deep breaths like Logan had said, and it made his thoughts stop racing, but his mouth still felt like it was stuck shut. He didn’t understand - this didn’t usually happen. He’d have a hard time speaking, but this was crazy! Sure, he hadn’t been that scared about dying in a while, was that it? Janus had no idea, and he hated it.

“The kiddo alright?” Patton asked worriedly when they arrived in the kitchen. 

Janus looked away, staring at the floor. Seeing Patton’s cast and bandages made him feel worse. What if he’d fallen? What if Thomas had fallen? What if they’d had to go to the hospital? Or what if they’d died? 

“Janus?” Logan prompted again, kneeling to look in his eyes. Janus tried to answer, he really tried, but he just couldn't talk.

“He won’t talk!” Thomas cried. Janus shrunk in on himself, tears welling up in his eyes again.

“He’s non-verbal.” Roman realized aloud, leaving his place at the stove to kneel in front of Janus. Janus scowled. What did that mean? ‘Non-verbal’? He’d heard it used in the home before, about kids who were upset. “Hey, Hijo, it’s alright, yeah? You know you’re safe here - you’re in the kitchen.”

Janus nodded, a relieved smile crossing his face. He brushed tears away, releasing Logan’s hand to hug Roman around the neck. Roman rubbed his back soothingly.

“You can’t talk right now, but that’s okay. It just happens to people sometimes.” something in Roman’s voice sounded sad, or wistful. The same way he’d sounded when talking about the so-called ‘family recipe’. “Has this ever happened before?”

Janus nodded again, hesitantly. Roman patted his shoulders, pulling back to see Janus’s face.

“When you’re sad? Or scared?” 

Janus hesitated. He was sad a lot of the time, and it didn’t happen then. Only when he got scared. He held up two fingers in an attempt to explain.

“Scared?” Roman smiled, rubbing the tears from Janus’s face. Janus nodded. “I knew someone who had the same thing happen to him when he was a kid, y’know. We were really close, and it’s okay.”

Janus smiled, rubbing his eyes, and nodded again. Roman was right. He was fine. Everyone was here, and they were all okay. 

He was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm Roman's mind is elsewhere... wonder where? lol You'll find out next chapterrrrr YEE
> 
> Sorry. I'm tired and its been a long day.
> 
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	12. The One Who Took Your Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of y'all totally called this. Ah well, that's what foreshadowing is supposed to do anyway.  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter! It was one of my favorites to write!! <3
> 
> Warnings: Panic attack, PTSD, self-harm (he done punched a wall again), mentions of past death, mentions of past suicide, food mentions, etc.
> 
> Enjoyyyy!

“Are you sure you can’t homeschool me?” Janus asked, staring out the window of the car. “I’ll be good, I promise!”

“I’m sorry, Janus,” Logan said softly. “We can’t. But you’re going to the same school as Thomas, doesn’t that help?”

“I guess.” Janus sighed, slouching in his seat.

“Oh, cheer up mi Tesoro!” Roman turned around and beamed at him. “School isn’t for two more weeks.”

“So why do we have to go school shopping?” Janus countered, folding his arms.

“So you’ll be ready when school does start.” Roman reached back and ruffled his hair. Janus smiled despite himself, looking away again. “Don’t worry, we’ve still got time to hang out.”

“Can we get cheeseburgers for lunch?” Janus asked.

“Only if you let us see your smile!” Roman laughed, turning back to face forward.

“Fine.” Janus sighed, blowing hair out of his face. It’s not like he hated the idea of school, he just really didn’t want to go to school. He was two years older than Thomas, so they wouldn’t be in the same class, and he didn’t know anyone else. And he wasn’t good at making friends.

“What if my voice stops working at school?” Janus asked, leaning forward to touch Roman’s shoulder. “I don’t know sign language, what am I supposed to do?”

“We’ll talk to your teacher,” Logan said. “They’ll understand.”

“...what if I get a disease that makes me allergic to everything?” Janus tried, recalling the story he’d read a few years ago. “Will I still have to go to school?”

“If that happens, no.” Logan laughed softly as he pulled into the mall parking lot.

“What if the school burns down?” Janus asked, grabbing Roman’s hand as they walked into the mall. “Will I get to skip the year?”

“You’ll go to a different building,” Roman said. Janus sighed, shoulders falling. “Why don’t you want to go to school?”

“I just don’t like school.” Janus lied, kicking the ground as he walked. “What if I clone myself, and my clone goes to school?”

“Even if you could, you wouldn’t be the one learning.” Logan pointed out. “Then you’d both have to go to school.”

“Oh yeah.” Janus nodded. He hadn’t thought about that. “Fine, I guess I’ll go. But don’t expect me to enjoy it.”

“We won’t.” Roman chuckled. “But enough about that, let’s talk about clothes! Do you want to get some new ones for school?”

“Maybe some that aren’t yellow.” Janus looked around when they entered the clothing store. He hated clothing stores, they made him nervous. “I thought we were just getting, like, a backpack and notebooks though.”

“Well, we’re getting those too.” Roman halted, crouching to meet Janus’s eyes. Janus frowned at him. “You alright? You’re getting fidgety again.”

“...I don’t like these places.” Janus muttered, staring at the floor. “Clothing places.”

“Oh.” Roman sounded surprised, but he squeezed Janus’s hand gently. “Alright. Why don’t I look at some stuff here and get you some different colored shirts, and you and Logan go get some school supplies?”

Janus glanced at Logan, who was watching him with the same level of concern. They didn’t think he was stupid for not liking clothing stores? That was new.

“Alright.” Janus took a breath, letting go of Roman’s hand.

“I’ll meet you guys in the food court.” Roman ruffled his hair and stood up, disappearing into the racks of clothing.

Janus couldn't help but be relieved when they left the store, heading instead to one only for backpacks. Malls were weird places.

“Sorry,” he said to Logan as they walked.

“Why?” Logan asked, and Janus looked up at him quizzically. Logan was watching him, an eyebrow raised. “If you’re uncomfortable in a certain environment, we’d never force you to go there.”

“Like school?” Janus asked hopefully.

“Janus,” Logan laughed. “It’s the law that you have to go to school. Until we adopt you, you have to be enrolled in a public school. Afterward, we might be able to homeschool you if we work it out. But for now, you have to go.”

“Oh.” Janus hadn’t thought about that. It made sense, though. But it did confuse him because his Uncle had never let him leave the house at all, let alone go to school. Maybe the law was different because he was related? 

“What kind of backpack do you like?” Logan asked, inspecting one of the plain black ones. “You won’t need a very big one, for now, you could probably get one with cartoons on it if you like.”

“Uh…” Janus let go of Logan’s hand, wandering to look at the different bags. 

There were… a lot. Most were the same, just with different fabric. The ones with weird designs made him dizzy, but the ones with cartoons looked childish. The plain colored ones were alright, and he liked the yellow one, but he had no idea what the kids at school would be like. Did he care? He had a feeling he should.

Eventually, Janus settled on getting a galaxy-patterned one. He turned around to show Logan, only to find he was alone.

Janus swallowed, gripping the backpack tighter. Logan wouldn’t leave him. He’d promised. He knew Logan wouldn’t leave him. He was probably just out of sight behind the shelves. Yeah, of course, that was it.

“You okay?” Janus gasped when someone put a hand on his shoulder. He spun away, dropping the bag. An older gentleman peered down at him, eyes a bright blue. 

Janus stepped back, heart pounding. Images flashed through his mind, sensations of hands gripping his arms and the sight of life fading from eyes that exact shade.

He had to get out of here.

“Hey, are you-” 

Janus spun around, sprinting blindly from the store as he fought to control his breathing. His throat was tight, and he knew he couldn't talk again even if he’d tried. Remy had talked with him about the ‘non-verbal’ thing and explained how to deal with it when it happened.

But that was when he was with Roman and Logan - right now he was alone.

Janus stumbled, scraping his elbows on the tile when he caught himself. It hurt, but he ignored it and shot to his feet, running until he found himself even more isolated than before.

The hallway ended - which should have been expected. The stores were empty, unused. Janus fought to catch his breath, then spun around and punched the brick beside him. The pain was sharp and real, and it stopped the memories and thoughts racing through his mind, so he did it again. And again and again and-

“Whoa, take it easy there!” a familiar voice cried, hands stopping Janus from hurting himself more. Janus barely glimpsed Roman’s face before hugged the man’s waist, holding back sobs. “Oh… uh, you okay?”

Wait a second… that wasn’t right. That wasn’t Roman’s voice.

Janus’s eyes widened in horror and he reeled back, shaking as he saw the face that, at a first glance, was Roman. But it wasn’t. He had more freckles, a mustache, and a white streak in his hair. That, and he wasn’t dressed anything at all like Roman was.

The stranger stepped back, holding up his hands carefully as he knelt in front of Janus.

“Hey, I’m not gonna hurt cha.” he smiled, revealing a chip on his front tooth that reminded Janus of Thomas’s. “Just didn’t want you to hurt your hands, see? Starting to bleed, you must be strong.” 

Janus looked down, realizing in dismay that the stranger was right. Oh, great. He’d done it again.

“I’m Remus,” The stranger said, voice softer than ever. “Who are you?” 

Janus froze, throat seeming to close up even more. He hadn’t thought about what might happen if he was alone with a stranger and this happened. He hadn’t asked Remy, or Logan, or Roman, and he had no idea what to do. Remus’s eyes creased in concern and he tilted his head. 

“Did I scare ya?” he whispered remorsefully. “I didn’t mean to, little guy. Cross my heart and hope to die.”

Janus shook his head, reaching a trembling hand up to his throat to try and explain. To his surprise, the same look of dawning comprehension Roman had worn when he realized appeared on Remus’s face.

“Oh, can't talk right now.” he nodded, pulling out a phone. “Alright, that’s fine. Can ya type? Wanna tell me your name or your parent’s phone number?”

Janus accepted the phone, sitting carefully against the wall next to Remus. He was calming, for some reason. The way he just accepted the situation and didn’t panic, and he understood what was happening. He wrote his name, using Logan and Roman’s last name instead of his legal one.

“Alright, awesome. Are your parents here with you?” Remus asked, chewing on his fingernail. Janus nodded, worry and guilt rising up inside him once again. “D’you know where they are? Or one of their phone numbers?”

Janus bit his lip, mind still buzzing from fear and what was happening.

“It's okay if you don’t. Not your fault.” Remus offered helpfully, calming Janus’s mind enough that he could remember Logan’s phone number. 

He typed it out, handing the phone to Remus before hugging his knees to his chest, burying his face in them.

“Awesome, I’ll call them and tell ‘em where you are. Want me to stay with you?” Janus nodded, and he heard Remus dialing the number. “Hey! Janus Prince is your son, right?” Janus tugged on his hair, trying to keep himself from crying. “He’s okay, just can’t speak. Kinda rattled, but seems to be alright. We’re over in the empty section of the mall near the food court. Sounds like a plan, see ya soon!”

Janus looked up when Remus put his phone down.

“Now, just breathe, yeah? Your dads are on their way.” he patted Janus’s shoulder gently. “Seemed pretty worried about ya, y’know.” Janus just looked at him, eyes skating over the incredibly familiar structure of his face.

He looked just like Roman.

“Janus!”

Janus jumped, looking away from Remus when he heard Logan’s voice. Roman was with him, and they rushed over while Remus scooted a few feet away to give them space.

“Oh, your hands.” Logan gently inspected them, while Roman spoke in rapid worried Spanish, combing back Janus’s hair and kissing his forehead. Janus melted into Logan’s embrace as he cleaned the blood from Janus’s hands with a tissue. Roman looked away, turning to Remus.

“Thank you so much!” He cried dramatically, throwing his hands in the air. “I-” Janus watched curiously as his eyes widened and his hands fell to his sides. Remus matched his shocked expression.

“Roman?” the man whispered, shocked. “Roman?”

* * *

It had been a long day. Logan still wasn’t really sure what had happened. One moment, Janus was a few feet away looking at backpacks. The next, he was running as fast as his legs would carry him and vanishing into the crowds. He’d been immensely relieved when he picked up the unknown number, after finding Roman and explaining what happened.

Janus was safe. Things were fine.

Or… something.

Logan stared, baffled, as Roman and this stranger flew into each other's arms, Roman’s shoulders starting to shake with sobs.

What on earth?

He glanced at Janus, who was watching with his bright green eyes focused, calculating in a way Logan had rarely seen on the young face.

“You jerk!” Roman said after a moment, shoving away from the man. Logan got his first good look and realized the stranger was nearly identical to his husband.

Did… Roman would have told him if he had a brother. Roman told him everything. Right?

“Roman-”

“You said you’d find me! You said we’d-” 

Roman was cut off when Janus lunged from Logan’s arms and hugged him, burying his face in Roman’s shirt. Logan bit his lip, looking at the man - Roman’s brother? 

“Oh, I’m so sorry Hijo.” Roman soothed, completely focused on Janus once again. “I’m not upset, darling, I love you. We’re okay, yeah? Breathing and together and we’re okay.”

“Thank you for helping him,” Logan said to the man, holding out a hand.

“Oh, yeah of course!” The stranger's face lit up and he shook Logan’s hand enthusiastically. “I’m Remus, by the way.” Roman and Remus. Amusing. Logan looked at Roman, who stared back with an apologetic expression on his face.

“It’s a long story…” he said softly, running his fingers through Janus’s hair.

“In any case,” Logan adjusted his glasses. “We’re grateful you were able to help Janus locate us.”

“Oh, of course!” Remus’s eyes widened. “I have the same problem, really. It doesn’t happen a lot anymore, but when I was a kid I went non-verbal all the time. It’s scary, especially when you’re alone.”

“Are you feeling any better, Janus?” Logan asked, looking down at the boy’s tear-streaked face. Janus nodded, opening his mouth only to close it again, hugging Roman tighter.

“You…” Roman hesitated, taking a deep breath. Logan watched worriedly. Roman was… frazzled. That much was obvious. He was trying hard to keep himself together. Logan hated seeing him like that. “Are you busy, Remus? We can… we need to talk. And it’s lunchtime, we promised Janus we’d get cheeseburgers.”

Janus nodded, letting Roman go and sitting back to rub his face.

“Do… you want me to join you?” Remus asked hesitantly. “I mean… I understand that you're mad at me, and stuff.”

“I want you to.” Roman insisted, meeting Logan’s gaze. Logan offered a thin smile, getting to his feet and helping Janus up as well.

“Cheeseburgers it is, then!” Remus agreed, clambering up and dusting himself off. “And I’d love to get to know your little munchkin more, Ro! Never thought about you getting a kid.”

“You didn’t think about a lot of things.” Roman laughed lightly. Logan took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Roman smiled, returning the gesture. “Ready for lunch, mi Tesoro?”

Janus grinned, nodding vigorously. Logan couldn't help but worry.

Why had Janus run off? And what had caused him to get so scared he punched the wall and lost his voice again? It had to have been something big, as he only stopped speaking when he was very scared.

“Oh, right,” Roman remembered as they entered the food court. “Uh, Logan… this is my brother. Remus, this is my husband Logan.”

“I figured!” Remus laughed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “Good to meet ya, Logan! Glad he had someone!”

“We’ll certainly talk more later.” Logan agreed, glancing to where Janus was watching them, obviously listening carefully. “But I wouldn’t mind - and I’m sure Janus agrees - a small explanation? I wasn’t aware…”

“Yeah.” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Let’s… get food.” Janus nodded, tugging Logan toward the JCW’s. Logan smiled despite himself, following.

Once they were settled at a table, cheeseburgers, and fries in front of them, Roman spoke again.

“Janus,” he hesitated, and Janus looked at him expectantly. “You didn’t really know this, but when I was a kid, I was… Remus and I were in foster care, as well.”

Janus stared, cheeseburger forgotten.

“I didn’t really know how to bring it up, and it didn’t really matter till now.” Roman shrugged. “But, yeah. We got separated when we were like… nine? Maybe ten.” Remus shrugged, munching on some fries. “It’s a long, complicated story about that. Basically, we never knew what happened to each other.”

“Till now!” Remus piped up. “Turns out my brother’s got himself a hot husband and a cute kid!”

Janus giggled softly, looking at the table.

“Anyway, I just…” Roman looked at Logan guiltily. “I’m sorry I never told you. But I had no idea where… I tried to find you.” he turned to Remus accusingly. Remus grimaced. “You know that, right? As soon as I was on my own, I tried to find you but it was like looking for a ghost.”

“Ah, yeah, uh…”

“Details are unimportant.” Logan cleared his throat, glancing at Janus as he grew anxious at the tension again. “Remus, do you know what happened today?”

“Not much.” Remus shrugged. “I just didn’t want little J.D. to hurt his hands too bad, and then I realized what was up and helped out. And here we are.”

“Here we are,” Roman repeated, staring at the table as he found Logan’s hand again and squeezed it. Logan’s heart ached with worry, but he didn’t know what he could do but silently comfort his husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo yeah! Thoughts? Roman's really having a hard time keeping the past in the past, isn't he?  
> Not to worry! This fic has a happy, if slightly open ending, for everyone involved (except Ms. Bean. She's still unemployed.)  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	13. Brokenness Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter... its a lot. UwU
> 
> Warnings: PTSD, past abuse, mentions of death, past suicide, anxiety, panic attacks, some fluff in there with the angst, food mentions, missing persons, and angst!
> 
> Enjoy!!

Honestly, the afternoon was a bit of a blur. After lunch, Roman got his brother's contact information and made him promise to respond when Roman texted him. Then, they finished their shopping and went home - where the three of them watched movies.

Now, Janus was asleep. And Roman had no reason to hold back the emotional breakdown swirling around inside him.

“Roman,” Logan spoke softly, running his hands through Roman’s hair. Roman took a shaky breath, cuddling further into Logan’s chest. Logan laughed softly. “Please talk to me, dearest.”

What was he to say? How could he tell Logan that, for years, he hadn’t mentioned he had a brother? It was ridiculous. It really was. But acknowledging Remus’s existence would have meant Roman had to acknowledge the fact that his brother was most likely dead.

And now he wasn’t dead.

What was he supposed to do? Or say? 

“I love you.” Logan pressed a kiss to Roman’s head. 

That was the last straw, and Roman burst into sobs, covering his mouth so he didn’t wake Janus up. Logan held him a bit tighter, and Roman could feel him shaking slightly as well, undoubtedly trying to keep his composure so he could comfort Roman.

“I’m sorry.” Roman choked out, looking at Logan desperately. “I-I should have… I never…”

“I’m not angry, Roman,” Logan promised. “I’m not upset. I’m just worried and confused. But I’d never be angry with you.”

“Re-Re-Remus…” Roman took a shuddering breath and pulled from Logan’s arms, wringing his hands. “We… you heard the simple version. But… no one…” he hiccoughed, desperately trying to calm himself. “No one wants twins, Logan. No one wants annoying twins who barely know English. We both… we both knew that. They told us that. I…”

“You’re alright.” Logan soothed, taking one of Roman’s hands again, gently. Roman nodded, rubbing his eyes again.

“We promised we’d find each other, Logan. And when I turned eighteen… he was missing. A missing person. Do you know… I thought he died or killed himself, or something awful had happened.” Roman buried his face in his hands. “That’s why I always brought… he loved enchiladas. That’s why I went to shelters every weekend and I was just…”

Roman dissolved again, hugging Logan desperately. The idea of his brother not only existing - but being alive - was too much to handle. What had happened? Why hadn’t Remus found him? Why did nothing make sense?

“D-Dads?”

Roman gasped, turning to see Janus standing in the doorway, eyes wide and anxious. At least he could talk now, though. He still hadn’t been able to by the time he fell asleep. Oh, damnit Roman must have woken him up.

“Are you alright, Janus?” Logan asked, gently removing himself from Roman’s grip. Roman sat back, following Logan to where Janus stood.

“...yeah.” Janus looked at the floor, voice quavering. “A-are… are you okay?” he looked up and met Roman’s gaze. Roman winced, rubbing the tears from his face in an attempt to hide it.

“I’m alright, mi Tesoro.” he laughed sadly, shaking his head. “Just…”

“Remus is your brother?” Janus asked, tilting his head slightly, shoulders hunching.

“Yeah,” Roman nodded, running a hand through his hair. “My brother.”

“So he’s an Uncle,” Janus said, voice softer than ever. Roman glanced at Logan, who pursed his lips. They didn’t know a lot about what Janus’s uncle had done, only that he’d been neglectful and committed suicide.

“Janus?” Logan reached out, and Roman was relieved when Janus accepted the hug, still watching Roman over Logan’s shoulder.

“D’you… you like Remus.” Janus said slowly. “He’s… good?”

“I…” Roman hesitated, unsure of himself. “It’s a lot, Hijo. I don’t know where he’s been for a long time. But I really do want to think he’s good.”

“Okay.” Janus frowned thoughtfully, eyes drifting to the ceiling and walls, then over at Logan, who was still hugging him tightly. Roman smiled. “Dad? You can stop hugging me if you want to.”

“Ah,” Logan sat back, adjusting his glasses sheepishly. “Apologies, Janus. It has been…”

“A long day.” Janus rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“No, darling, you have nothing to apologize for!” Roman shook his head, ruffling Janus’s hair.

“I ran away,” Janus said softly, shoulders shaking again. “And I worried you, and…”

“It ended alright, though.” Roman insisted.

“You can always talk to us, Janus,” Logan said. “We won’t ever be upset at you for getting scared.”

“...promise?” Janus looked up, eyes suddenly determined, furious.

“Promise.” Logan nodded, and Roman followed suit.

“...his eyes were blue,” Janus said after a moment. His gaze was still forward, but it was slightly glazed, and his brow was furrowed. “Not like Patton's eyes. They were gray and blue.” Roman glanced at Logan, who looked as confused as Roman felt.

“Janus?”

“My uncle,” Janus said, sitting heavily on the floor of the doorway, staring at the floor with the same expression on his face. “His eyes were blue. And gray. They scared me.”

“That’s alright, mi amor,” Roman said gently, not sure how to reply. “You… you’re safe here. You know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Janus nodded. “I didn’t mean to run away… but I saw eyes like that. At the mall.”

Ohhh. Roman looked to Logan, who was watching Janus carefully.

“And I ran away, even though I knew it wasn’t my uncle,” Janus buried his face in his hands. “Cuz they made me remember.”

“That’s alright,” Logan said firmly, putting a hand on Janus’s shoulder. “You’re allowed to feel, Janus.”

“So’s Roman,” Janus muttered, glancing up at Roman. Roman winced. “I know grown-ups cry. I’m almost a grown-up already, and I cry all the time. Y’don’t have to pretend…” he hesitated. “If you don’t like your brother.”

“Janus…” Roman’s voice broke and he sighed, looking at Logan helplessly. Logan shrugged, mouth quirked thoughtfully. “I don’t know how I feel,” Roman said, wrapping an arm around Janus’s shoulders. “About Remus, at least. I know I love you.” he poked Janus’s stomach and Janus giggled softly. “And I love Logan.” he poked Logan with his free hand. “And I love Patton and Virgil and Thomas.”

“And Roman,” Janus added, poking Roman’s nose. Roman smiled, tears welling up in his eyes again.

“And Roman.” he agreed, hugging Janus tighter. “And that’s all I gotta know right now.”

* * *

“So the eyes reminded you of your uncle?” Remy asked gently, leaning forward on his elbows. Janus nodded, kicking one leg anxiously. “D’you know why it upset you so much?”

“My uncle wasn’t very nice,” Janus mumbled. He stared at the floor, unable to keep remembering the sight of his uncle’s life fading. Unable to feel sad at all, after everything his uncle had done to him. “He… his friends weren’t nice either.”

“Okay,” Remy smiled encouragingly. “Is there anything else you can tell me? I want to help you, little dude.”

“I don’t really know.” Janus sighed. “He wouldn’t let me do anything, and he always made me wear the same things. And Logan says that it's against the law for me not to go to school, but he never let me leave the house at all…” Janus frowned uncertainly. “But I also tried to run away a lot, so maybe it was my fault.”

“Hmm, I don’t think so.” Remy tapped his chin thoughtfully. “After all, the law is the law. You were supposed to go to school and he didn’t let you. Why did you try to run away?”

“Cuz…” Janus winced, picking at the couch below him. “He hurt me. It was my fault, though. I’m not good at family, and-”

“Whoa there, Janus.” Remy held up a hand and Janus frowned, chewing on his lip. “Who said you aren’t good at family? Cuz it seems to me that you’ve got two dads that care about you a whole stinking lot.”

“I…” Janus sighed, squirming as he tried to find a way to explain it. “I was always bad, and mean, and I made them take me back. It was my fault every time, and sometimes I didn't even know it! I’m just bad at being in a family. And when my Uncle said he’d let me live with him, I wasn’t good at being in his family either. I dunno why, I just…”

“You’re good at being in a family,” Remy said softly. Janus frowned at him. “You’re you, Janus. Yeah, you get angry and scared sometimes. So does everyone else.”

“But I’m… bad.” Janus sighed, burying his face in his hands. “And I hurt Roman and Logan’s feelings, and I don’t wanna go to school, and I don’t…”

“You’ve got a lot going on, bud,” Remy said sympathetically. “We don’t have to talk about your uncle today, if-”

“Yes, we do!” Janus’s head shot up and he scowled. Remy stared in surprise. 

“Why is it so important today then?”

“Cuz…” Janus thought back to the man who’d helped him with the panic attack. Remus. Roman’s brother. Janus’s uncle. “In the mall, I ran away.”

“Yeah.”

“I couldn't talk, and I was angry and I punched the wall again.” Janus rubbed his scabbed knuckles guiltily. Remy nodded. “Somebody stopped me and I thought he was Roman. He looked like Roman and he sounded like Roman, so I let him stop me. But he wasn’t Roman, he was someone I didn’t know.”

“Did he hurt you?” Remy asked, brow furrowing.

“No!” Janus scowled. “He helped me. He said it was okay if I didn’t talk, and he helped me find Roman and Logan.”

“What does this have to do with your uncle, kiddo?”

“The man was Roman’s brother,” Janus said softly, staring at the floor. “Did you know Roman was in foster care, too? He told me. He and Remus lost each other… and Remus was there in the mall.”

“Ah.” Remy nodded slowly. “So Remus is your new Uncle?”

“He’s not…” Janus grimaced, pulling his legs up onto the couch and hugging them. “He’s not like my Uncle. Roman and Logan aren’t like my parents. But I want them to be my family.”

“That’s okay, Janus,” Remy promised. “It’s a hard thing, and you’ve gone through a lot. So you want to talk to me about your Uncle so that you can handle having Remus?”

“I guess.” Janus shrugged. “I just never talked about him before, and if I don’t talk about it, I’ll just think about it. And I don’t wanna think about it.”

“Well, I can’t promise you’ll stop thinking about it,” Remy said slowly. “But I’m willing to talk to you about it, okay?”

“He’s dead now.” Janus reminded. “So you don’t have to call the police about what he did, right? Cuz they can’t arrest him when he’s dead?”

“If it’s bad, I’ll have to put it on your file. And help you tell Logan and Roman,” Remy shrugged. “But I don’t think the police will have to be involved.” 

“Okay.” Janus sighed, staring down at the floor. The memories he fought so hard to forget welled to the surface again, and this time his throat didn’t close up. He was safe here, and Remy wasn’t going to tell anyone but Roman and Logan. And that was fine. 

So he told Remy about his Uncle. He told Remy about the green shirt, and the couch, and the closet. He told Remy about his Uncle’s friends, and Remy asked a few questions that Janus wasn’t sure how to answer.

“I don’t know who they are,” he said softly, still looking resolutely at the floor. “I never saw them before or after. But they hurt me, and… and I don’t…”

“Hey, you’re doing okay,” Remy promised. “We can be done if you want.” Janus shook his head, taking a deep breath. He wanted to talk about his Uncle - something specific. But it needed perspective. He had to tell Remy everything if he told Remy anything.

“My Uncle’s dead now,” Janus said. Remy nodded. “He killed himself. When the police got there, they asked if I saw. I lied.” he hated lies. They were so scary and annoying and made everything more confusing. “He wanted me to see. He said it was my fault, but I’m sure it wasn’t, but maybe it was, and-”

“It wasn’t your fault, I promise.” Remy soothed. Janus nodded, blinking back tears. His throat was getting tighter, and he wouldn’t be able to talk in a few minutes.

“His eyes were blue and gray.” Janus finished, wiping his eyes. “And they scared me. But they were scariest then, cuz he stared at me and then he was dead and… and…” 

How could he describe the way they’d just faded? Lifeless and lightless and emotionless? Like a picture, or a glass sculpture. 

Oh, great. He’d stopped talking, and now he couldn't. 

Janus buried his face in his arms, holding back sobs as he tried to compose himself. Why? Why was he so messed up? Why did everything have to go so wrong for years and years and years?

“You’re okay, little dude.” Remy soothed, drawing Janus’s focus back to the room he was in. He looked up, blinking rapidly to try and study Remy’s face. “We can be done talking right now, you need time to deal with everything. Do you wanna leave now, or draw for a few minutes till our session is over?”

Janus sniffled, wiping tears from his face, holding up a single finger with his other hand. Remy nodded, retrieving a few sheets of printer paper and a pack of crayons. Janus managed to move to sit at the table instead of on the couch.

They sat in silence for the remainder of the session - though it really wasn’t Janus’s fault he couldn't talk. He doodled, not really caring much about it as he wasn’t good at drawing anyway.

“Is it okay if I tell Logan the basics of what you said?” Remy asked as they put away the crayons. “I want him and Roman to know you’re going through some things. They can help you if they know.”

Janus hesitated, staring at his page of doodles. He nodded slowly after a moment, carefully folding the paper and slipping it into his pocket. Logan and Roman would find out eventually, anyway. He was tired of lies and secrets.

He pretended to be oblivious as he sat in the waiting room, a few yards away from where Remy stood talking quietly to Logan. It was probably a good thing Logan was here today because he was better at staying calm. Roman was louder, not that Janus minded. He just didn’t want to deal with a lot of emotions in public, and Logan was probably the same.

“Ready to go?” 

Logan held out a hand and Janus took it, nodding and waving goodbye to Remy. He and Logan walked out to the car, silent until they’d started driving home.

“Remy said you two had a rough session,” Logan said softly. “You talked about some pretty scary things.” Janus nodded, looking out the window. “It’s okay. Everything will be alright, Janus. Please remember that you can come to me and Roman for anything. Hugs, talks, anything.”

Janus nodded again, thoughts drifting to Roman and his brother - who he’d been talking to while he and Logan were out today. He hoped they were okay, and that they’d feel better. Maybe having a nice uncle would help him feel better about his bad one.

“Do you want to get ice cream on the way home?” Logan suggested. Janus’s head swiveled around and he beamed, nodding vigorously. Logan laughed, pulling off into a drive-through. “They have chocolate, vanilla, strawberry, and mixed,” Logan said, holding up a finger for each one he listed. Janus held up three fingers, surprised that a fast food place had his favorite. They usually just had chocolate or vanilla, and sometimes only vanilla!

Logan ordered a strawberry cone for Janus and a vanilla milkshake for himself, chuckling when Janus attacked the cone excitedly.

He really hoped Remy and Logan were right, and that he’d be okay. Because Janus really just wanted to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? You get to see how Roman and Remus's talk went in the next chapter! 
> 
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	14. Let Me Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mostly fluff! Just cuz they deserve fluff by now, y'know?
> 
> Warnings: foster care, mentions of addiction/drug abuse, food mentions, angst, PTSD, sickening fluff, etc.
> 
> Enjoy!

Roman had always hated silence. It was daunting, scary, suffocating. But right now, he had no idea how to fill the silence that hung heavy over the table he shared with the brother he’d assumed was dead. 

To be fair, Remus seemed just as awkward and anxious, stirring his drink absently while glancing between Roman, the ceiling, the floor, and the window.

“Fifteen years, Remus.” Roman finally choked out, bringing Remus’s eyes back to him. Remus winced guiltily. “I hadn’t known anything about where you were for fifteen years, and-”

“To be fair, eight of those weren’t my fault.” Remus pointed out softly. 

“I mean, yeah, but that still leaves seven. I was searching for you actively for at least three of those.” Roman shook his head. “What the heck happened?”

“What didn’t happen?” Remus sighed unhappily. “You know how I was, Ro. The most infuriating little twerp the world ever knew, right? A miracle anyone adopted me at all. Lemme guess, it took you six months before you were?”

Roman winced, thinking back to the years and years he tried his best, only to age out with nothing to his name but enchiladas and a family who barely cared.

“I aged out,” he said shortly, shaking his head. Remus’s eyes widened and he sat a bit straighter.

“Oh, shit, Ro, I-”

“That’s not important.” Roman snapped. “What happened? Why were you a missing person, Remus? Why didn’t you try to find me? I thought you were dead!”

“I uh…” Remus frowned, tugging on his hair. Roman couldn't help but smile fondly. He’d done that all their lives. “I ran away when I was seventeen. Originally, I planned to find you, but…” Roman raised an eyebrow. Remus sighed. “I dunno, I felt like shit. It hadn’t worked out for us to be brothers before we were adults, right? Why would you wanna be brothers when we were?”

“Wh- of course, I would!” Roman snapped.

“Not only that, but I was in with some… not great people.” Remus grimaced. “They helped me stay under the radar - a missing person - until they got busted and the cops found me and took me in. At that point, I was pretty fucked up, and I knew you’d been looking for me cuz someone mentioned it…”

“When was this?” Roman asked, burying his face in his hands. 

“Like, four-ish years ago.” Remus sighed. “Took me two years to get clean and outta rehab. By then, I still felt like shit and didn’t know how I’d approach you after five years of you thinking I was missing.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Roman sighed, shoulders slumping. “But I’m still… pissed off. I wish you had found me when we said we would, but we can’t change that now.”

“Unfortunately.” Remus made a face, then smiled sheepishly at him. “But you’ve done pretty good, Brobro. A husband and a kid? What else have you accomplished?”

“Not much.” Roman chuckled. “Compared to your whole story you just spilled - which I do want more details on, by the way - I haven’t done much. I’ve made a bunch of enchiladas, met a cute guy in the rain, started a youtube channel, helped my husband start a flower shop…”

“Your husband sells flowers?” Remus chuckled.

“Okay, it’s a garden supply center.” Roman shrugged. “But there’s a lot of flowers.”

“And that doesn’t sound like nothing, you know,” Remus added, kicking him under the table. Roman scowled, kicking him back. “I’m real sorry I wasn’t around, though. I…”

“Hey.” Roman interrupted. Remus looked over at him. “Shut up.”

“Rude.”

“You’re not allowed to be self-deprecating.” Roman declared, glancing at his watch and wincing. “Logan and Janus are gonna be home around now. I’ve gotta watch Janus so Lo can get to the garden center…” he hesitated, glancing to Remus who looked back curiously. “You busy? I wouldn’t mind letting you near my family now that we’ve talked a bit.”

“You sure?” Remus looked skeptical. “It’s been fifteen years, Hermano. I could be a psychopath.”

“Nothing would have changed, in that case.” Roman chuckled, getting to his feet. “You coming or not?”

“Yeah, yeah, I wanna get to know your kid!” Remus scrambled after him, elbowing Roman lightly as they left the small cafe. “Just tell me what’ll freak him out, will ya?”

“That’s a great question.” Roman frowned. “Don’t lie to him, first of all. If he thinks someone lied to him… it’s not great.”

“Check.”

“He’s afraid of heights, too.” Roman shrugged. “The rest of it is pretty self-explanatory. Treat him like a person, etc. don’t be a dick. Think you can handle that?”

“For you? Absolutely!” Remus promised, getting into the passenger seat as Roman started the car. 

“Alright, just let me check in with Lo before we get there.” He pulled out his phone, hitting Logan’s contact before backing out of the parking space.

After a few moments, Logan answered.

“Hello, dearest. Still out with Remus?”

“I’m on my way back,” Roman said. “How do you think Janus would feel about Remus hanging out? And how would you feel about that?”

“Hm.” Logan hesitated and Roman’s spirits sank. “I could ask, I suppose. He had a rather difficult session with Remy today, so I’m not sure.” Roman waited for a moment as he heard Logan talking to Janus, and he replied after some silence. “He says he’d like that, and I’m not against it if you’re willing to have him around us. I know that worried you.”

“Yeah, we talked some stuff out.” Roman shrugged. “We’ll be there in like, five minutes.”

“Everything Gucci?” Remus asked once they’d said their goodbyes and hung up. Roman chuckled, nodding.

“Yeah. It sounds like Janus’s nonverbal right now, he had a rough time at therapy, but he said he’d be okay with having you around.”

“He’s such a cute little monster!” Remus gushed, clapping excitedly. Roman snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I know that’s like… a term of endearment for ya,” he said slowly as he pulled into the long driveway. “But he’s been told by a lot of people that he’s a bad person. So maybe…”

“Oh, sorry!” Remus nodded, holding up his hands. “Only positivity, I gotcha!”

“Alright.” Roman rolled his eyes slightly, amused. It may not be the same as when they were kids, but it was nice to see his brother again.

* * *

Janus looked sideways over at Remus, who was sitting at the table talking to Roman about something. He was still uneasy about the idea of calling him ‘Uncle’... even though he’d talked about it with Remy just earlier today.

Well, he hadn’t really talked about Remus too much. But he didn’t know a lot about him, except that he was nice and he’d helped Janus at the mall.

He sighed softly, looking back down at the word puzzle he was working on. Logan had gotten him a new book after he finished the old one, and these were harder to understand. He reached for the dictionary, flipping through quickly as he searched for the word in his head. It was on the tip of his tongue, he just… huh.

The pages stopped when Janus pulled the book apart, reading more carefully. This dictionary was a new version - instead of the outdated one that caused Janus to freak out - but he hadn’t looked for those words again. 

Yet here was something he hadn’t heard of before.

**Mx.** [ **noun (2)** ](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/noun)

**\ primarily a written form ; sometimes read as məks, ˈmiks, ˈməks, ˌem-ˈeks \**

**variants: US Mx. or British Mx**

**Definition of Mx. (Entry 2 of 2)**

**—used as a gender-neutral title of courtesy**

**The word "Mx" was first suggested in the late-1970s as a feminist word for those who didn't want their gender to be revealed in their title, and there are many men and women who use Mx for similar reasons today. However, the title has also become popular among those who identify as** [ **non-binary** ](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/nonbinary) **—though there are no official figures, non-binary people make up around 0.4% of the population, according to an Equality and Human Rights Commission survey of 10,000 people in the UK...**

He glanced toward Roman and Remus again, and they were still talking casually while Roman started making dinner. Logan would be home soon, then. He could always wait to share his discovery until then, but…

Janus glanced back at the page, grinning as he ran his fingers across the words.

He grabbed the book, being sure not to lose his place as he hefted it over to the kitchen table, dropping it with a slam that made him wince. Neither adult seemed to mind, however. 

“Whatcha up to, Hijo?” Roman turned from the counter, eyebrow raised.

Janus waved him over, tracing the definition with his fingertip, and Roman beamed.

“Oh, Logan got you the new dictionary didn’t he?” He ruffled Janus's hair. “Yeah, some people who aren’t a man or a woman use that instead of Mr. Or Mrs. Or Ms.” 

Huh. Janus smiled, thinking it over.

Mx. Janus Prince. Mx. Prince. Mx. Janus.

He liked that more than he’d ever admit.

“A dictionary?” Remus chuckled, leaning back. “You and Logie sure are nerds, huh?”

Janus frowned, glancing up at him, but Remus didn’t have the usual sneer that kids had when they called him a nerd. And Roman did call Logan a nerd a lot, and Logan seemed to be proud of that. So he nodded, sticking the bookmark in the page and slamming the dictionary shut.

“Speaking of Logan,” Roman said as he turned back to the counter. “He should have been back here by now. You wanna run to the nursery and make sure he didn’t lose track of time, Janus?”

Janus nodded, hopping off his chair and giving Roman a thumbs up. He grabbed his shoes hurriedly and got onto the paths, breathing the smell of plants and dirt with a smile. 

Sure enough, Logan was still in the shop at the register, writing something in one of the many inventory books. Janus climbed onto the counter, waving a hand between him and the book, and Logan looked up.

“Oh, Janus. What time is it?” he glanced at his watch and winced. “Roman sent you for me, I assume?” Janus nodded, closing the binder on Logan’s hand. Logan laughed, pulling it away. “Alright, alright- get off the counter! You could fall, Janus. I already told you that.”

Janus rolled his eyes and slid off, taking Logan’s hand once Logan had collected his bag.

“Is Remus staying for dinner?” Logan asked as they walked back. Janus nodded. “How are you feeling?” Thumbs up. He really needed to learn sign language or something. This was annoying. “Are you sure?” Logan watched him with his eyebrows furrowed and Janus nodded, clearing his throat in annoyance and finally managing a whisper.

“Yeah. Sorry. I can usually talk before now…”

“You had a long day.” Logan ruffled his hair and sighed as they arrived in the backyard, the sound of Roman and Remus laughing coming from the open back door to the kitchen.

“Wanna show you this.” Janus tugged him to the table, opening the dictionary again before gesturing to his discovery. “Look.”

“Hm,” Logan bent down, nodding slightly. “Yes, I’m glad I found one of these to get for us. It’s much more recent than anything I had before. And I’m happy to see you’re continuing research on your own.”

“If I learn on my own do I haveta go to school?” Janus tried, though he already knew the answer. Logan smirked.

“I’m afraid so.”

“School isn’t that bad,” Roman promised, slipping the enchiladas into the oven. “You lost track of time, didn’t you mi amor?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Logan chuckled, pecking a kiss on his lips. “I’ll be right down, just putting my bag in the office.”

The office, Janus had learned, was not Roman’s office. Logan had a separate one because Roman’s was too chaotic.

“Wanna put the dictionary someplace else for dinner?” Roman asked, grabbing plates from the cupboard. Janus nodded, jumping down and heaving the book off the table, carrying it back to the coffee table where his puzzle book and pencils were still sitting.

“Do you like enchiladas?” Janus asked, forcing himself to look at Remus when he spoke. Remus’s face lit up and he nodded, tapping on the table like Thomas always did when he was happy or excited or nervous.

“They’re my favorite food!” He declared. “Who'da thought my bro would know how to make them?”

“They’re why Logan fell in love with him,” Janus informed him.

“What, that’s the only reason?” Remus chuckled.

“Also my amazing looks,” Roman added, striking a pose as Logan walked back in.

“Mostly the enchiladas.” Logan teased, poking Roman’s stomach where his shirt had lifted up. Roman yelped, laughing lightly.

Remus said something, but it was fast and Janus only recognized it as Spanish because of how often Roman spoke in it. He frowned when Roman and Logan laughed.

“What’d you say?” he asked, poking Remus in the shoulder. “I don’t know Spanish, that’s not fair!”

“I said-”

“Whoa, hey!” Roman reached over, covering Remus’s mouth. “He’s twelve, Rem!”

“Remus was being inappropriate,” Logan said at Janus’s confused look. “Let him go, Roman.” Roman stepped back, lifting his hands up, and Remus laughed lightly.

“Sorry, mi Cielito. I’m not around kids very often.”

“What does that mean?” Janus frowned at the new nickname. He knew what the ones Roman used meant, but this one he’d never heard before.

“Hm?”

“Mi Cielito…” Janus frowned as he struggled to pronounce it, but Remus just smiled wider.

“It means ‘my little sky’,” Roman explained. “Remus uses it the same way I use mi, Tesoro.”

“Oh.” Janus nodded, trying his best to file the information away. “Okay.” 

“I should have guessed you were both overly dramatic.” Logan chuckled. Both Remus and Roman gasped in mock offense at the same time and Janus couldn't help but laugh, burying his face in his hands to stifle it.

“Are you guys identical?” Janus asked once he managed to calm himself, looking up at Roman and his brother. Sure, Remus had scars on his face and a mustache, but other than that… they looked a lot the same.

“Supposedly, yes.” Roman peeked into the oven before turning and leaning on the counter. “But as you can see, I’m more handsome.”

“Wow, thanks.” Remus laughed, running a hand through his hair to make it stand up. “But yeah, we looked exactly the same when we were kids. We probably still could if Roman grew a mustache.”

“No thanks.” Roman laughed.

“Why not?” Janus asked, still looking between the two brothers.

“Logan only likes soft smooth kisses.”

“Gross!” Janus complained when the two of them kissed lightly.

“What, this?” Roman kissed his husband again and Janus groaned, sliding down in his chair. “We just love each other, Janus. What’s wrong with that?”

“I’m never gonna fall in love,” Janus muttered, slipping from his chair to underneath the table before crawling out and facing them, hands on his hips. “I’m gonna live in the mountains by myself until I die.”

“Can’t we visit?” Logan asked, ruffling his hair. Janus frowned, thinking it over.

“Only if you bring enchiladas.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Roman laughed, leaning on the counter. “What about Thomas? Can he visit?”

“Only if he wants.” Janus shrugged, returning to his seat at the table. “He’s got his own life, dad. Geez.”

“Okay, okay, sorry I asked.”

“Remus can visit, too.” Janus decided, looking sideways over at him. “But only if he walks on his hands the whole time.”

“Ah, that’s easy!” Remus scoffed. “I’ll show you after we eat, yeah? Probably outside so I don’t break anything.”

“Wh- you can really walk on your hands?”

“Guess you better wait and find out, J.D.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter left! It's also a pretty fluffy one lmao
> 
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


	15. Seems So Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: School, bullies (nothing too bad), food mentions, bruise, etc.
> 
> Enjoy

“What if the school explodes?” Janus asked, scowling out the window as they drove toward Thomas’s house to pick him up. “What if the power goes out and the doors automatically lock us all inside? What if-”

“If that happens, I’ll rescue you,” Roman promised. “But it probably won’t, mi Tesoro. You’ll be perfectly fine.”

“But…” Janus frowned, trying to think up a scenario that would make Roman let him stay home. “What if… uh… I get kidnapped by a supervillain?”

“Janus.”

“Okay, okay.” Janus sighed, slumping down slightly in his seat. “I know it’s the law, I’ll go.” 

“After school, Virgil’s taking you and Thomas to our place to plant your tree.” Roman reminded him. Janus nodded, feeling slightly more cheerful that he had something to look forward to.

But he still really didn’t like going to school.

Thomas and Virgil joined them, and Janus was glad for the distraction of talking to his friend as they drove the rest of the way to school. 

“You’ll be okay, Hijo,” Roman promised, wrapping Janus in a hug. “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Janus sighed, looking warily at the school.

“You two meet by the front doors after school so I can find you,” Virgil added, ruffling Thomas’s hair. “Okay?”

“Okay!” Thomas cheered, reaching for Janus’s hand. “Come on! The first day of school is the best!”

“If you say so.” Janus chuckled, waving a final goodbye to Roman as he followed his friend inside. 

He’d gone on a tour with Roman and Logan and met his teacher a week ago, but he still felt like the entire place was new and unfamiliar. Thomas stopped outside the fourth-grade classrooms and let go of his hand, hugging him before stepping back.

“We have the same lunch, so I’ll find you okay?” he beamed, and Janus couldn't help but smile back. “Patton packed me extra cookies, so make sure you find a place for us to sit so I can share!”

“Okay.” Janus nodded, watching unhappily as his friend entered a classroom, immediately starting to talk to other students. Thomas always was better at making friends than he was. 

He sighed, turning and making his way to the sixth-grade hall. Next year he’d be in the middle school, without Thomas. He had to find a way to do this without freaking out. Hopefully, the people here would be nice. 

The classroom was just like it had been a week earlier, except a lot louder and a lot more crowded. Janus had always hated how many students were in each class, but he found his desk and sat down, pulling out his puzzle book to distract himself from the chaos.

“Your name is Janis?” someone stood in front of his desk a few moments later and Janus winced at the mispronunciation. “I thought that was a girl's name!”

“It’s… Janus.” Janus said softly, glancing up at the other student. “Like the roman god of duality.”

“Your parents are nerds, then?” the student laughed, shoving their hands in their pockets. “Are you a nerd too?”

“Yeah.” Janus shrugged. “What’s your name again?”

“None of your business, Nerd.” the kid chuckled turning away and going to join a group of loud students on the other side of the room. 

Janus frowned after them, confusion and anxiety filling his mind. He hadn’t thought that was too bad an interaction… was it? That student didn’t use the word ‘nerd’ like Logan and Roman did. They acted like it was a bad thing.

Well, there was nothing Janus could do about that now. He just had to suffer through the rest of the day.

And suffer he did, until the first short recess break. He was gonna miss recess once he started middle school.

As always, Janus avoided the playground and found a place to sit under a tree with his puzzle book. He almost believed he’d make it through the first break without anyone being mean to him when a soccer ball hit him in the head.

“Ow!” Janus fell sideways, the book and pencil falling to the grass beside him. 

“Oh, sorry.” the voice was unfamiliar. The tone… not so much. Janus was well versed in the language of playground bullies at this point, and the group of kids standing around him was most definitely not sorry.

“What’s this, a diary?” one of them scooped up the puzzle book and Janus scowled, getting to his feet.

“It’s not a diary, and it’s not yours,” he muttered, holding out a hand. “Give it back.”

“You’re a nerd!” the kid laughed, flipping to the front cover. “Is this your name? Janice Prince? Are you some kind of queer?”

“It’s pronounced Janus.” Janus’s head shot up at the voice that interrupted them as the student from his class shoved into the circle, snatching the book away. “It’s a thing from mythology. Bugger off, ya weirdos.” 

Janus stood uneasily as the others - who he now recognized as students from the other sixth grade and one of the fifth-grade classes - dispersed. The student shoved his puzzle book into Janus’s hands.

“Thanks…?”

“Yeah.”

They stood there for a few minutes, staring at each other.

“Um… why did you help me?” Janus finally asked, brushing dirt from the pages and retrieving his pencil.

“I dunno, nerd. Can’t a guy help a guy out?” the other groaned, kicking the dirt. “Those guys are more rude than I am, anyway. Nothing wrong with being queer even if you were.”

“Oh.” Janus blinked a few times in surprise, shoulders falling. “Uh, okay.”

“What, you think I’m wrong?” Janus shrunk back when the student held up a fist, eyes narrowed.

“N-no!” Janus frantically shook his head. “Of… no of course not! I-I just… I… my dads are uh… queer? That means, uh, gay… right?”

“Kinda.” the fist fell and the student studied Janus once again. “A lotta people use it as an insult… sorry.”

“Um… what’s your name?” Janus tried again and the student smiled ruefully. 

“Pryce.” he folded his arms. “And this doesn’t mean we’re friends, nerd. Got that?”

“Uh…”

“Good. Take it easy.”

Janus stared in confusion as Pryce walked away, rejoining his friends at the basketball hoop nearby.

School was really really weird.

* * *

Before the day began, Janus had been pretty sure he’d hate it.

Now, after school, while he sat in Virgil’s car next to Thomas, Janus was a hundred percent positive that school was the worst thing ever.

He missed Roman. He missed Logan. He missed being able to know they were right in the next room, or a five minute walk away at the garden center. He hated being away from them for so long and he knew if he told anyone it would just sound clingy and stupid. He was twelve years old! He should be able to handle this.

“Alright, munchkins. We’re here.” Virgil parked in front of the garden center and Janus scrambled out of the car, not even waiting to thank Virgil for the ride before he located Logan inside, working on paperwork at the front counter.

“Dad!” Janus threw himself forward and grabbed onto Logan’s legs, letting out a sigh of relief. Logan jolted in surprise, then chuckled.

“How was school?”

“It sucks,” Janus muttered, gripping Logan’s leg tighter. Logan gently took his shoulders, pulling him back so he could kneel and properly hug him. Janus buried his face in Logan’s chest, humming contentedly.

“You alright?” Logan asked gently, running his fingers through Janus’s hair. Janus nodded, then shrugged.

“Missed you,” he mumbled, hoping that Logan didn’t understand. If he did, he didn’t say anything about it.

“Roman’s on his way over here, we’re planting your new tree. Remember?” Logan pulled Janus back and smiled. Janus nodded, mimicking the gesture as well as he could. “We can talk about school later, alright?”

“Okay.” Janus sighed, nodding as Thomas and Virgil joined them.

“The kid’s fast,” Virgil complained in amusement. “Where’s Patt?”

“The breakroom, sitting down for a minute.” Logan gestured behind him to the employee only door. 

“Thanks.” Virgil took Thomas’s hand and they went to the breakroom, where Janus could hear Thomas chattering excitedly about the school day. How was he so happy all the time?

“Wait- what happened?” Logan leaned back, gently tilting Janus’s head to the side. Janus winced, remembering the soccer ball that had, apparently, left a bruise. “Janus?”

“I got hit with a soccer ball at recess.” He shrugged. “It’s okay, dad. It doesn’t hurt.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Janus nodded. “Nobody hurt me.”

“Alright.” Logan stood up, filing away the paperwork he’d been doing when they arrived. “Roman should be here in just a second, do you want to go meet him?”

“Uh…” Janus hesitated, unsure of how he felt leaving Logan again after missing him all day. But he missed Roman, too… and Logan was just going to be right here.

“We’ll both go,” Logan said, holding out a hand. Janus grinned, taking it and pulling Logan toward the door. Logan laughed lightly, following a few steps behind.

Roman was already emerging from the trees at the edge of the garden center and he beamed, waving when he spotted Janus and Logan.

“Ah, my two favorite people!” He cried, scooping Janus into a hug as soon as he could reach. “How was school, Mi Tesoro? Are you hurt? What-”

“Just a soccer ball.” Janus rolled his eyes. “Calm down, I’m okay.”

“I’m always calm!”

“Ah, of course. This is Roman we’re talking about.” Logan rolled his eyes and Janus giggled. 

“Oh hush, I’m busy hugging my favorite person.” 

“I thought Logan was your favorite.” Janus wiggled out of Roman’s hands and stood next to him, hands on his hips.

“Ah, you’re both my favorite. I can’t choose.” Roman waved a hand. “Where’s Vee and Thomathy? We’re supposed to be planting a tree today, remember?”

“They’re on the way, love.” Logan chuckled. “There’s no rush.” Roman pouted and Janus glanced between them quizzically. They were acting weird… but not in a bad way.

Ah well, it probably wasn’t important.

Right?

* * *

“I must say, I think you picked the perfect tree!” Roman said, sitting at the picnic table next to Janus, handing him a lemonade. Janus beamed. “It looks like it’s always belonged here, doesn’t it?”

“I guess.” Janus shrugged, looking over to where Logan was finishing up the tree stakes to keep it from leaning to one side. “It’s smaller than I expected.”

“It’ll grow, Hijo.” Roman ruffled his hair. “We can’t move and plant a giant old tree, can we?”

“I guess not.” Janus sighed, taking a sip of his lemonade. Thomas and his parents had just left - and the adults were still acting kinda weird. Though, adults always acted weird.

“There you two are.” Logan joined them, kissing Roman’s head and ruffling Janus’s hair. “You didn’t tell him without me, did you?”

“Wh- of course not!” Roman sputtered. Janus frowned in confusion. “I’m offended you think I’d do that!”

“Tell me what?” Janus asked, anxiety creeping into his stomach. Were they sending him back? That couldn't be it… right? They’d said they wouldn’t, but…

“Nothing bad, mi Tesoro, I promise.” Roman hugged him gently. “Do you know how long you’ve lived with us?”

“Uh…” Janus frowned, counting back in his head. “Like… five months? Almost?”

“Ah, you’re so smart.” Roman beamed. Janus flushed slightly, ducking his head.

“What are you guys gonna tell me?” he asked worriedly, biting his lip. 

“Stop beating around the bush, Roman, you’re stressing us both out,” Logan complained playfully, putting a hand on Janus’s shoulder. “The social services office has cleared Roman and I for adoption. Specifically, adopting you. We can schedule it for a month from now.”

Janus froze, hand slipping from the glass of lemonade in front of him, and he stared at Logan, then Roman. Both beamed back at him - Roman obviously trying hard to stay quiet.

“Really?” Janus breathed, a smile working across his face in spite of himself. “Y-You mean it?”

“Of course, mi Tesoro.” Roman wrapped him in a tight hug, laughing lightly. “You’re going to be a Prince now, Janus. On paper and everything!”

“Are you sure?” Janus stared at Logan, who smiled sadly at the question.

“I’ve been sure since I first met you, Janus.” He promised. Janus blinked back tears, returning Roman’s hug and burying his face in the dirty T-shirt Roman was still wearing. 

"I wanna be your family." He mumbled into Roman's chest. Roman laughed lightly, ruffling his hair.

"You already are."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to have a fun energetic end note for this story... but I feel like complete shit today and I still wanted to post. So, I hope y'all enjoyed the ending! Let me know if you're interested in seeing more from this universe (no promises, tho)  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? I started writing this AGES AGO and I'm so glad I didn't start posting it until after the name reveal lmaoooo I had another name as a placeholder and I'm so glad I know Janus's real name now that I've finished this particular fic.  
> I know angsty adopting fanfiction is super common in our fandom, but I just really freaking love them!!!! So!!!! Yeah!!!!  
> Any questions about this AU you can send to my writing blog on Tumblr (@cobywritesfics) or even just my main (@cobythinks) and I'll gladly answer them there, and I might even doodle some character designs if you want!  
> Thanks for reading, lemme know what you think!  
> Love you all,  
> -Coby


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